Candles: Holiday Explorations of Self-Restraint

A toddler? Handling a lit candle???

I know, you must think I'm crazy. Most people would. But, with the arrival of the holiday season and plummeting temperatures, my son is continuously exposed to fire. Lit fireplaces and candles litter the landscape of our friends, family, and our home. It's a teachable moment just waiting to happen.

In the Montessori classroom, we give children a lesson in how to handle dangerous objects. Knives, scissors, even pencils, need to be handled a certain way with care so that we don't hurt ourselves. In the environment, we only allow smaller, less dangerous versions of these objects, but we expose the children to them all the same.
Enter fire. With all this exposure to fire, I can see my son's curiosity peeked. Now, my son, in particular, is a cautious child and he understands the concept of hot. As a result of this understanding, he has demonstrated some self restraint in not touching things he knows to be hot. For this reason, understanding his already demonstrated capabilities, I decided that I could support his curiosity of candles.

My son asked me to light the candle, so I thought, why not use the moment to help him understand how to operate safely around fire using a very small amount of fire. I explained that it was hot and could burn ("ouch, boo boo!), but that if he touched the base on the outside, the candle could be moved carefully. I also showed him how to blow out the candle which became an exciting activity. He would try to blow it out and when he succeeded, I lit the candle again (with a lighter which we have explained is "danger" and only Mommy and Daddy can touch). Sometimes he would get frustrated and ask me to assist, but most of the time, he was in love with trying to blow the candle out.

The great thing about exploring something dangerous like fire is that it not only teaches the child safety, but it is an exercise in self-restraint. I would never leave my son alone with a candle; even with his cautious nature, I still see his hand drawn to the flame and have to remind him. But every moment I'm not reminding him and he remembers to control himself is a huge gain for the development of self control and, ultimately, self-discipline.

Even the act of blowing out the candle requires self-restraint, as he can not get too close to the candle with his face. It also allows him to develop the skills require to direct air directionally and with enough force. In the same way that blowing bubbles can help with language development, blowing out a candle helps children develop control over inhaling and exhaling which supports appropriate speech development (speech is the result of controlled breath coupled with appropriate sounds).

I love discovering activities that excite my son while allowing him to develop skills. While this activity requires complete supervision, it gives us something to do together, adding a social aspect with turn taking, expressing excitement when it blows out and disappointment when it doesn't, and enjoying each others company.

The Magic Of The Montessori Classroom

Working part time as the Parent Learning Coordinator for the Montessori school my son attends (twice a week) has been a wonderful experience.  It's helped me dive back into philosophy and work closely with parents in a way that always enriches my own parenting experience.  But, sometimes, I feel out of touch, I feel confused, or I feel thrown off by trying to make all the right choices, or decide if Montessori even has all the answers (or which answers I feel are most important).

Today, however, I was reminded of why I fell in love with Montessori.  I decided to spend a little time of my morning in the primary classrooms at the school.  As quiet as can be, I took my place in a little chair in part of the room to just sit and observe.  I let the peace wash over me.

If you've never sat in a Montessori classroom,  I highly recommend it.  It is magical.  Not because the children tend to be quieter, and not because the environment is in any way perfect.  It is magical because the children are free to follow their own intellectual and social desires.  I watched children plucking work off the shelf and quietly taking it to a table, quickly absorbing themselves in an activity.  I watched a child wash a chair with such effort and focus that it made me smile.  I watched another little boy get confused about his Triangle Box and begin looking for a way to solve his problem and figure out what to do next.  I watched other children looking to engage with friends, chatting, making funny faces, and laughing.  In a room full of activity, I felt calm.

If you have never sat and observed in a Montessori classroom, I recommend that you do.  If you are a Montessorian who has been out of the classroom for a while, I highly recommend a brief return.  For the former, I think it will amaze you, and for the latter, I know it will set your soul right.

My favorite thing about the Montessori classroom is that it is full of individuals.  Every child is so uniquely different, and here, you can really see it.  You can see it in their choices, their actions, and their desires.  The room goes in a million different directions because there are so many different ways to go.  It is a room full of possibilities.

What's your favorite thing about the Montessori classroom?

A Thanksgiving Art Project

I had intended to let my little guy paint a pumpkin on Halloween, but with all the excitement of carving Jack-O-Lanterns and baking holiday cookies, we forgot. So I thought this year, I would bring the left over pumpkin to my in-laws' house and let him paint it to decorate the Thanksgiving table. Upon hearing this, my mother-in-law bought extra pumpkins and it became a family art project.

This turned out to be a much more wonderful idea than I anticipated. Everyone painted a pumpkin the day before Thanksgiving and, the next afternoon, six beautiful pumpkins decorated our table. It was fun to watch everyone approach the project in a different way and they were all so excited by the outcome. We certainly have a new holiday tradition.




















I think open-ended projects like this makes for the best kind of art endeavors for children. There is no perfect outcome or expectation and the creative possibilities are endless. To make this project work for a toddler, we used water-based, washable Crayola paints and gave each color its own brush so we didn't have to worry about mixing colors or washing the brush after each use.

This year, I am thankful for family and opportunities to come together and share experiences, explore creativity, laugh and have fun.

Maybe this Christmas we'll paint ornaments. Anyone have another simple and open-ended idea?

Kid's Music I Can Actually Stand...

Let's face it, kids music has always been the bane of most adults' existence.  It's corny or irritating.  There's that question: why let them listen to that when they can listen to real music.

But they like it.

A LOT.

The development of music is like any other process in childhood development.  Children have to start with the fundamentals and they have to be able to relate to the music.  That doesn't mean they can't enjoy adult music, but they also love children's music.  Which unfortunately, can make a car ride unbearable.  Unless you find music you actually like!

Ok, ok, I know that's all relative.  If you read this post and you're not a parent, you'll probably think I'm insane for even using the word like.  But, it's not much different that the reality that when you become a parent, you actually enjoy the choo-choo train ride around the mall food court.  Go figure.

Still, I can't listen to just any kids music.  So, in my search for songs I could stand, I really did discover music that I enjoy.  Well, relatively speaking.  Hey, it's catchy.  And yes, you will find my husband and I randomly bursting out in song to "Willy Was A Whale."  I said it was catchy.  Anyways, here are a few artists I've come to enjoy.  But be careful...you might end up breaking out into song in the middle of the grocery store.  Oh, wait, I did that before I had kids...

RALPH'S WORLD

I love this guy.  His music is funny.  The album shown here, At The Bottom Of The Sea, I bought in full, mostly for the Coffee Song.  However, I have gone and bought other songs from his other albums.  At The Bottom Of The Sea is still my favorite though and I highly recommend it!  His music is quite folky and upbeat, which I like.  He's also just silly which is great, too.

ROBBIE SCHAEFER

A member of the popular band, Eddie From Ohio, Robbie is a wonderful children's entertainer.  I only wish he had more kids CDs than just Songs For Kids Like Us.  This was the first album I discovered that my son and I both loved.  He wore us out on it.  I think we've listened to it a thousand times.  It's still great though!  Very folky as well.  He also has a wonderful music outreach organization called One Voice focused on promoting peace and cultural awareness among children through music and media.

JUSTIN ROBERTS

So far I have purchased the album Yellow Bus, although I intend to explore more if I can stop my son from listening to the song Yellow Bus over and over and over and over and over (you see where I am going with this?).  My favorite song is Thought It Was A Monster, however.  To each his own.  Another folky and upbeat singer, I highly recommend you check out his albums?

SING ALONG WITH PUTAMAYO

I just love this CD and so does every kid I have ever met.  Unfortunately, it's not available on ITunes, but you can purchase the CD from Putamayo's site.  Once you've hear Banana Phone, you'll be hooked.  And there's a gorgeous rendition of You Are My Sunshine.  On that note, all of Putamayo's kids CDs are pretty wonderful.  I have a special love for Folk Playground and World Playground.

Those are my discoveries so far.  Anyone else have kids CDs they actually enjoy?  I'd love to find more!!

UPDATE (2/10/13):

Pandora's Children's Indie Station is changing my life!  I'm loving the music on this channel and it introduces me to all sorts of new artists. 

Love The Rhythm Train: Dick Van Dyke, the Chili Pepper's Chad Smith, Leslie Bixler, need I say more! 

Our Kitchen Tower Has Arrived!!

I've been feeling like a failing Montessori parent, as my child has no kitchen tower so that I may bring him up to counter height and begin letting him help in the kitchen (sure we've been cooking and baking at the kitchen table, but it hardly lets him be a part of daily activities).  But, my kitchen is smaller than a parking space, so my desires for a kitchen tower have long conflicted with my desires to be able to turn around.  I will refrain from complaining about my storage issues...

But now, my kitchen and my parenting ego need not fear!  The GuideCraft Kitchen Helper has come to my rescue!

It took some researching to find a tower that would suit my needs and my budget.  There are a number of amazing towers out there.  The Learning Tower and Fun Pod are generally the most popular:    

       

They are a bit costly, upwards of $200, but they are well made and sturdy.  They are also big, and I had nowhere to put one.  I need sturdy and space-saving.  So, luckily, I came across TWO kitchen towers that fold.  One Step Ahead makes one that folds.  But after reading reviews, I learned that you have to remove a screw and replace a screw every time you want to fold it up.  That's just not convenient for something my son wants to use frequently.

The GuideCraft became the best solution.  It folds up easily (although the feet at the bottom keep it a little wide, but that's the price of safety).  It does have a removable screw in the platform, but you don't need it in place to keep the whole thing together and sturdy (you might only need it in place if your toddler insisted on lifting up the platform and this was a problem for you).  The tower from One Step Ahead might be the same, but I'm not certain, so I went with the GuideCraft.  The price wasn't much cheaper than the popular brands (at full price it's more than $170) but I found it on Amazon at 30% off, so it didn't end up too pricey after all.  Some of the reviews on Amazon reported a lack of quality (...did not meet expectations...) but I'm not sure what people were expecting because I have found it to be very sturdy.

My son LOVES it.  He'd spend all day in it, hanging out at the counter.  Sometimes I put water in bowls and let him play in the sink.  Today he helped me make dinner (give the kid a mortar and pestle and he's thrilled).  Then again, while I cooked this evening, I put on his favorite music and he just danced in it.

Just Like Mommy and Daddy

A little Mini-Me, that's what I have.

It never fails to amaze me how much my son wants to do everything his parents do.  He wants to sit the way I do, he wants to hold what I'm holding, drink out of my cup; all of the kinds of things he will one day refuse to do in his attempts to be, I'm sure, anything but like his father and I.  Enter my husband's insane theory that he should become an alcoholic when our son becomes a teenager so that our son will do the opposite.  That nonsense aside, and giant bridge to cross when we come to it, for now, everything my son does begins as but an echo of what we do.

That's a lot of pressure.  "No, no, Mommy said ship...shiiiPPPPP."  I swear, that's what I said.

It's also frustrating at times.  At 18 months old, he may want to hold a glass, but there's going to be water all over the floor.  And he may want to sit on the adult's chair, but then he's trying to climb up on the table like it's Mount Everest and attack the chandelier.  These outcomes can often make any parent want to refrain her children from attempting the actions.

And then I remember what Dr. Montessori said: "The task of the educator lies in seeing that the child does not confound good with immobility and evil with activity."  We parents are but life-long educators, are we not?  Our children's actions to be like us are merely reflections of their desires to understand the world and become independent.  A desire that is key to future success and happiness.  When we stifle it, we discourage children from actions that fulfill a very positive desire.  So, the question becomes: instead of preventing our children from doing things, how do we support our children's attempts to mimic us despite the frustrating outcomes?

For me, it has been about remembering that every outcome is another opportunity to show my son how I would do it.  So, not only have I supported his endeavors by not restraining them, I am also showing him the boundaries of those behaviors by letting him know what is acceptable and what is not, as well as precisely how it's done.  It's still frustrating at times because it often creates more work, but my job as a parent is to guide him, not limit him.  I also try to remember that supporting his independence will ultimately create less work for me.  I always try to stop and think "how can I let him do this in a way that will help him be more successful with it?"

I've found that my efforts are increasingly less frustrating when I have set up a properly prepared environment.  If I have things in his environment that help support his attempts, while minimizing failure, the outcomes are far easier to deal with.  For example, we have small cups for my son to drink out of.  As he gains in skill, he sometimes uses bigger cups like ours.  But, if there's a spill, I keep cloths on a shelf handy (for him) and I show him how to clean up the water.  My son also has his own duster, swiffer, and mini spray bottle for "helping" while I am cleaning (although, I won't lie, he always wants to trade).  Child-sized tools that are the same as the adult's are an excellent way to support these amazing endeavors are children are embarking upon.  For Small Hands (partnered with Montessori Services) is a great place to find these things online, although I keep an eye out whenever I am shopping to find anything that my son could use more easily that the adult version.

Here he is doing amazing "grown-up" things:

(walking the dog...not recommended for any dog, but ours is very well trained)

(he mostly ends up dusting the dog)

(picking the leaves off rosemary while I chopped vegetables)

(sitting on a railing because that's what Mommy was doing)

So goes my son's journey to be just like my husband and I.  It also reminds me that I have to think about everything that I do.  Because, he is definitely going to follow suit.  I am the model for which all of his behavior follows.

Yup, that IS a lot of pressure.  (I swear, I said SHIP).

Homemade Slow Cooker Applesauce!

One of the greatest activities for a toddler is cooking in the kitchen!  It's a great way to practice fine motor skills, to see how simple things can be turned into complex things, and well, it's just yummy all around.  And what better to make than apple sauce...in the slow cooker!

It all started with a trip to the apple orchard....

My little guy had a wonderful time picking apples from the tree and ground, loading them into the buckets and running through the orchard trees.  Crooked Run Orchard in Virginia is beautiful with SO many different kinds of apples.  We ended up with so many apples that even after sharing them with a friend, we definitely needed to do something with them.  So, with my son's (and my) love for pure and simple applesauce, his first big cooking event was inevitable!

I am a firm believer in purity when it comes to cooking, particularly when it comes to applesauce.  The fruit has enough sugar on it's own and great taste, so we didn't really need to add anything!  We started with ten apples (of varying types which adds to better and more interesting flavor in the applesauce) which filled exactly 1 quart jar in the end.


First, I peeled the apples while he napped (18 month olds are impatient I've learned), but I saved one to peel in front of him so he could see the whole process.  When he is a little older (2.5 to 3, depending on his skill level at the time), I will find a small peeler and let him help.


On our kitchen table, I set up cutting boards for each of us.  He also had tongs and his own small bowl to place the apples that he cut into them.  He also had a small little knife for cutting.


Honestly, I wasn't happy with this knife.  It was harder for him to use at this age (a year older and he would have been fine).  I know a wavy vegetable chopper would have been much better, but I could only find one online and it didn't arrive in time.  So we made do.  In the end, I think he ate more than he cut anyway!


After he cut the apples, he used the tongs to move them to the little bowl at his side.  Smaller tongs would have been better too, but he's pretty skilled at this and so these worked out.  I'd recommend small light tongs for a beginner.


After all the apples we cut into 1 inch pieces, we put our apples together and he used a spoon to transfer the apples to the slow cooker bowl.


We placed the bowl into the slow cooker and he helped me put the lid on.  You don't need water or anything really, the apples have so much natural sugar and juice.  I did end up adding less than 1 tsp of brown sugar to the whole batch because I was worried the apples needed a trigger to carmelize...but next time, I plan on doing without the sugar as well.  If you like cinnamon in your applesauce, you could add a few cinnamon sticks into the slow cooker as well.  I set the slow cooker on low for overnight (it was 3 pm at the time and I set it so it would finish after we woke up, so it ended up being 17 hours).  Stirring the apples occasionally is a good idea, too.


Afterwards, we had a snack of applesauce I had on hand, just so there would be some conclusion for him as to what happened (since it wouldn't be until the morning that he'd see the final product).


The next morning I scooped these lovely caramelized and mushy apples into a bowl.  They smelled amazing!


My son mashed them up with a potato masher and voila, we had applesauce!  It didn't take much mashing at all.  If you like it chunky you wouldn't have to mash it, and if you like it super smooth, I recommend a hand blender to finish the deal.


The final product was YUMMY!!  From now on, I'm making all our applesauce this way.  It's fantastic and healthy.  I was also amazed at how my son connected this whole process.  Days later, when he sees the slow cooker he points at it and says "apples" :).

I'm excited to try more recipes!

The First Days Of School: A Clean Break Can Break Your Heart

Separation Anxiety.  It's the worst.  I don't know who had it harder on the second day of my son's Toddler Montessori experience: me or him?

Clearly he had it rough; he cried for a half hour during the morning, grabbing the gate of the playground with his little hands and screaming like a banshee (oh, this kid could break glass!).  But, me, oh, poor me.  I had to listen; trapped up in my little room at the school working on parent education and listening to the screaming!  And did I mention that I had a window to the playground?  All I could do was watch.  And listen!  The agony I tell you, sheer agony.  Eventually he settled, but later he burst into tears again screaming my name again (oh no, did he hear my voice down the hall?).  Could it get any worse?

Having been a Montessori teacher and now a parent, this is a very new and eye-opening experience for me.  I remember during the first days of the school year, it was always the criers that challenged me.  A child's unending screams can actually feel annoying to any adult and while I tried to remain as sensitive outwardly as I could, it was hard not to feel frustrated with the tears (so, of course, I ended up with a crier!).  I knew this child would be ok.  I knew crying would not kill him.  I knew crying was simply the communication of his fears and frustration, and eventually it would get better; it always does.  But as a parent, everything changes.  The cry of any child is heart breaking; from your own, the heart break is maddening.  As a mother, every impulse screams "help your child!!!"  It's built in; it's part of evolution. You can't change the reaction, nor should you.  Only a parent can understand the feeling (had I only known what they were going through when I taught!).  It makes the moments and events when your child has to face the world on his own all that much harder.

The truth is, it is harder on us than them, and that's important to remember.  They will be okay.  This is an experience for them, a very new and confusing one, and it makes sense that they would feel insecure.  Crying is an expression of that insecurity and not severe distress.  It's communication, and one parents can easily understand because they are feeling it too.  But it doesn't mean that something is wrong.  It just means that we need to take the time to adjust and let them adjust.  We need to have a little faith.

How do you have faith and help your child through it?

Make a clean break.  When you drop your child off, whether it be at the classroom or in the car line, it's got to be quick and seamless.  Prepare your child before the break, maybe have a hug or snuggle session at home.  Goodbye rituals are very helpful.  But when you reach school it should be nothing more than a quick hug, "I'll be back after you work and play," and be on your way.  Look back with smiles and waves, but keep walking (or driving).  If you are hesitant or if you look worried it will lend credence to your child's fears.  If you linger, you will prolong the frustration of the transition.  Consider it like a bandage, rip it off quickly yet compassionately.  Then you are free to cry in your car.

Understand your child's tears.  Part of making this experience easier on yourself (which ultimately helps your child with the transition) is to know that your child's tears are an attempt at communication.  They are a valid communication but it does not mean that their fears are validated.  We can understand their tears and communicate that understanding ("I know you are worried but I will return soon") and still reflect the idea that there is no need to worry with our body language and tone.

Give your child something to look forward to.  Before you leave your child in the morning, talk about something you might do when you pick your child up (if your child is old enough to understand) so that they have something to think about doing after school.

Trust your child's teachers.  I know this one can be hard.  They don't know your child; they don't love your child, yet.  But, they will.  They will learn to know and love your child.  The key here is to choose a school setting that is aligned with your beliefs; find people who think about education in a thoughtful manner.  Teachers know the ropes, I can tell you this from personal experience, and they know that children acclimate at different rates.  They know your child will acclimate and how to help them engage in order to do this.

Know you and your child are not alone.  Your child is not the only one going through this difficult transition.  Even if he or she is the only one crying, it doesn't mean that he or she is the only one that feels that way.  Children are different and express things differently, but that doesn't mean they aren't having similar experiences or emotions.  This is a sensitive time and it is impacting everyone.

Understand that happiness comes with engagement.  As your child becomes more comfortable, your child will begin to engage, and as that process happens your child will develop happiness in his or her environment.  You may not see it for a while, sometimes children are perfectly happy at school but fall apart around their parents because their emotions come to the surface.  Just because your child cries on the way to school does not mean that your child will not enjoy himself or herself once there.  I've had many students cry and then have a wonderful time throughout the morning.  I've had those same children's parents express worry that their child is not happy because they haven't see it or heard it from their child.  But I have.  When your child is with you, he is thinking about leaving you.  His tears are not about school but about separation.  But once he's engaged in school activities, he's very likely to find happiness and enjoy himself.

Discuss things your child engages with at school.  Find out from your child's teachers what he or she did enjoy at school and remind your child of those things when you are home or on the way to school.

Believe in the power of independence.  When children learn that they can do things on their own, they begin to have faith in themselves.  Separation is the beginning of the child's journey towards self reliance and this is a key factor in happiness in life.  Your child's self discoveries will unlock a world of potential.

Separation is hard.  Separation is scary.  But it is the necessary beginning to a world of possibilities.  That's something I try to remember when my heart is breaking.

The Secret of Childhood

It's my son's first day of Montessori. He is attending a two day/ half day toddler program while I work at the school providing parent education. He has never been under the care of anyone other than family, so it is a truly brand new experience!

I have always been on the other side of this equation; I've been the teacher welcoming the children, telling the parents not to worry. Never did I realize how much of an impact it makes upon a parent: the worry, the separation anxiety, the concern. I am lucky, I know my son's teacher well; I have known her a long time, spoken philosophy with her, worked alongside her. And I'm right down the hall. Still, I battle the anxiety.

But at my deepest level, I am excited for him, so excited. As I sent him off, it made me reflect on the secret of childhood. Dr. Montessori often referred to what she called the secret of childhood (she even made it the title of one of her books), illuminating the idea that every child is a unique being with his own destiny. Every child has his own capabilities and desires that will unfold over time. Only by watching and following this child, loving and respecting who he his, cultivating his independence, and encouraging his internal drive, will we ever become aware of his secret. Only when he becomes who he is meant to be will the secret be revealed. Sometimes parents want to outline their children's lives, but the truth is, only the child's reality will become the child's life. Only by giving our child freedom to develop and guidance without imposition can we hope they will become the best versions of themselves.

My son has begun his independent journey. The Montessori environment will give him his first taste of developing himself away from his family, discovering who he is on his own. I am excited to see what choices he will make, what passions he will hold, and what the secret of his childhood will define.

On Children
-Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

A Bug's Life: Cultivating Respect

For any life to be important, every life must be important. It's the cornerstone of community and consciousness that we remember that everyone and everything has value.  Every creature plays a role in nature and we are all interdependent upon each other.  How we as parents, teachers, and adults, treat all living things becomes the lens through which our children see nature, see the world, and see themselves.  Remembering and reflecting on the anniversary of 9/11 today, I am reminded how very important cultivating respect for life truly is.

Dr. Montessori wrote: ‘Since it has been seen to be necessary to give so much to the child, let us give him a vision of the whole universe. The universe is an imposing reality, and an answer to all questions. We shall walk together on this path of life, for all things are part of the universe, and are connected with each other to form one whole unity. This idea helps the mind of the child to become fixed, to stop wandering in an aimless quest for knowledge. He is satisfied, having found the universal center of himself with all things’ (Clio 1989 p 5 – 6).  She believed deeply in the concept of cosmic education, that the stories of the natural world and its history strengthen the child's connection with the natural, physical, and social world.  While Cosmic Education lies at the heart of the Montessori Elementary Curriculum, it's ideas are important for children of all ages.  Respect for nature is as important a part of respect for society as any other thing we can teach our children.

Sometimes it so easy to forget that every interaction we have teaches our children something.  Mistakenly swatting at a fly or stomping on an ant means so much more to a child than it does to us.  But every time we perpetuate the idea of insects, or any creature for that matter, as an invader to be put to death, we show our children that not all living things have value.  But, they do!  Spiders may be creepy and crawly but they devour other insects and are part of an important ecological system.  So are snakes, rodents, and many other "intruders."  While we may wish to remove the invaders, how we choose to do so will impact our children's respect for nature.  Rescuing and releasing cultivates sensitivity while killing cultivates disconnection and insensitivity.  Respect for a bug's life will teach your child respect for all life.  And that translates so much farther than we realize.  It translates into respect for differences between people and understanding that all creatures and all people have something to give and something wholesome and good about them.  It cultivates peace, and we need a little more of that in the world.

When my son and I go out into the world, we look for all the little creatures and we try to connect.  I'll be honest, deep down, I fight some of my own fears sometimes.  I hide those fears because there is no need for my son to learn to be afraid of any creature.  Rather, he must learn to respect all that those creatures are capable of.  When we encounter a bug's life, we stop to ponder it, we stop to consider it, and then we let it go about its business.  In this time fraught with the tendency of the human race to disconnect themselves from more and more, I want my son to know nature and to love it.

(can you see the leaf bug in these photos?)

Unwanted Toddler Behaviors: Ignore! Ignore! Redirect!

I've been smacked in the face and bitten.  I've been run from.  I've seen toys thrown maniacally across the room.  The common denominator in these behaviors?  My son.  The other common denominator?  Laughter.   My son can commit the most atrocious offenses and his only reaction to any of them is to cackle like he's just had the best time of his life.  Here I am trying to guide him in the ways of the world and he's behaving like a prison inmate!  Can you feel me losing my mind?

These behaviors have been arising over the past month or so.  They are not atypical of a toddler; quite the opposite.  If you have a toddler and you don't know what I am talking about, consider yourself very lucky.  The rest of you toddler parents are probably nursing a wound (either toddler-inflicted or from banging your head against a wall!).  I see these behaviors in children all around me; some direct their unwanted behaviors at other children while many simply save them for mom and dad.  If your toddler is behaving in this manner, please know, you are not alone!  And neither is your child.  At this age, children have no ability to understand social cues, emotional cues, and understand appropriate behaviors.  They are at the perfect age to start learning, but they lack the ability to reason why they need to learn them.  They operate at a level of action and reaction.  They are gathering information.  And they are gathering it from you.

I have had a lot of conversations with parents who feel compelled to extinguish these behaviors (as they should).  But many people fail to understand the root cause of these behaviors, and so they often choose methods of confronting the behavior that can fail or frustrate.   There's usually a lot of panic involved.  And, it's fair to panic, because the idea of having a ten year old that still bites or a twenty year old that still hits is an unpleasant one.  We all know that we need to DEAL with these behaviors, right?

Our mistake often lies in that very notion: dealing with the behavior.  We make the mistake in believing that the child's behavior must be corrected or it will continue, so we attend to it.   But toddlers don't have the same kind of abstract thought that adults have; they don't reason or make conclusions in the same way.  Instead, they look for reactions, and what they want is interaction.  They want interaction with objects, to see how the world operates, and they want interactions with people.  They want attention, and that desire is rooted in their need for guidance and comfort.  So toddlers will experiment. Sometimes they choose behaviors that fall in line with what is socially acceptable, and other times they don't.  What matters to the child is not the behavior, but what happens when they do that behavior.  And one thing children quickly learn is that when they choose certain behaviors, they get a quick response.  Unfortunately, those are usually the unwanted ones.  In the professional world, we call this negative attention seeking.  What it means is that a child will trend towards those behaviors that get attention, even if that attention is negative.  Because, in their minds, attention is attention, no matter how it happens or what it looks like. 

For example, my son will often bite me when I'm not paying attention to him because there is absolutely NO way you can ignore a biting toddler...right?  Unfortunately, any natural reaction I can have to biting is the wrong one, because it's a reaction.  When I attend to the behavior, it increases.  It doesn't matter if I scream out and try to demonstrate that I am hurt, or if I pick him up and place him away from me, or if I leave the room.  It's all a reaction to him, and he thinks they are all hysterical.  Toddlers finding humor in these reactions is pretty normal.  It's not that they are insensitive...well, wait, yes, they are insensitive.  They haven't yet developed empathy and so they don't understand your emotions no matter how much you express them.  My son doesn't understand my anger or pain, he just sees my face react in twisted agony, and apparently my son loves funny faces.  

So, what do we do?  First, we ignore.  We do not attend to behaviors that we don't want our children to do, unless of course they are dangerous and require immediate intervention.  But even then, we should intervene with less attention.  We may tell the child "no," but engaging in a big explanation about it is just more attention and we are actually patterning the child to continue to the behavior rather than extinguishing it.  Instead, we need to then redirect the child.  We need to find something the child can do positively and then give that behavior all the attention in the world.  We must turn a negative attention seeking behavior into a positive attention seeking behavior.  By teaching our children what they can and should do, we help them develop a pattern of appropriate behaviors.  When my son bites, I must teach him to kiss or blow raspberries on my arm.  When he wants to hit, my husband and I raise our hands and let him do high fives (my husband's brilliant idea!).  And when he wants to throw his toys everywhere, I help him engage in something he can do with me instead (hey, come help me take clothes out of the laundry basket or Swiffer the floors!) or direct him to something he can throw like a ball.

We also must look at ourselves.  If our children continuously engage in negative behaviors, it can mean that they need more attention from us.  It may also mean that we need to give them attention when they do something positive rather than when they do something negative.  Dr. Montessori once wrote that "The things [a child] sees are not just remembered; they form a part of his soul.”  It is in the things that we show our children how to do, rather than what not to do, that help them become conscientious and contributing members of society.

Quotable Montessori

I'm always inspired by the words of Dr. Montessori.  I thought I'd share a thought of hers each Friday :)

"We cannot know the consequences of suppressing a child's spontaneity when he is just beginning to be active. We may even suffocate life itself. That humanity which is revealed in all its intellectual splendor during the sweet and tender age of childhood should be respected with a kind of religious veneration. It is like the sun which appears at dawn or a flower just beginning to bloom. Education cannot be effective unless it helps a child to open up himself to life.”

-- Maria Montessori


(photo from FreeDigitalPhotos.net )

Playing with Dust: The Sensitive Period for Small Things

I was watching my son play with a small speck of dust on the floor today, and it reminded me of one of the most noticeable sensitive periods in children.  The sensitive period for small objects begins to appear around the age of one (or earlier/later depending on the child).  Children at this age become fixated on small objects and drawn to small details (their brains are hardwired to do so!).  Little rocks (like my son is picking up in the picture above), little objects, little pieces of dirt, they all hold a special fascination for the very young child; a fascination they will keep for the next for the next few years (if your child is four, he or she may be doing the same thing!).    My son can spend a fair amount of time pushing around and interacting with something I never would have even noticed.  He can quickly point out the discrepancies in what you may have thought was a very clean environment.  

The development of this sensitive period is the brain’s way of understanding and observing the little things that make up the world; things that adults often overlook because their brains are focused on the big picture.  For a child to ever understand the big picture, they must first deconstruct that picture down to the very smallest levels of minutia.  They must discover all the little pieces that comprise that picture. This attention to detail also contributes to the physical development of the young child.  To interact with these small objects, they must develop highly skilled coordinations of the body and hand, such as hand-eye coordination, dexterity, development of the pincer grip, and control of fine movement.  These interactions become an interplay in their minds between the discoveries of the world and the mastery of their physical abilities. 

Children at this age need time and patience from adults to encourage them to explore these little things.  It's a difficult endeavor to support, considering when they first become fascinated with these small objects, they also want to put them in their mouths.  It's difficult for adults to allow this level of exploration to happen when it can be dangerous.  When my son was younger and in the stage of putting everything into his mouth, I tried to balance letting him explore with keeping him safe.  I would let him interact with the object and only intervene when I saw his hand start towards his mouth ("out of the mouth" I would say as I pushed his hand and the object away from his mouth).  It meant I had to be vigilant, but it also meant I wasn't stifling his developmental explorations.  Now that he's older, sometimes things head towards the mouth but he hesitates and I am able to remind him to keep the object out of his mouth before he does.  

My favorite thing about this sensitive period is the impact that it can have on the adults around the child.  It’s a gift for adults to take time to remember to appreciate all those little things.  Sometimes we are so focused on the big picture, only the child's unique fascinations can remind of us of all the beautiful components of the world.

The Learn N' Turn!

I just bought this product the other day and I love it already.  My son has been showing a lot of interest in using utensils.  If I forget to give him one, he demands mine.  So, now, I always make sure to include the necessary utensils with his table setting.  However, I noticed that it's very hard for him to get the angle correct with both the spoon and the fork.  The straight line of the utensils does not allow for him to use them with any sort of ease and he gets frustrated easily.  To solve the problem, I searched the internet.  Quickly, I found the Learn N'Turn.

The Learn N' Turn is a children's utensil that allows you to clip in a fork or spoon attachment that can change angles, so not only can it assist your child with using the utensil, but as they gain in their ability you can increase the challenge until they are able to use a typical utensil.  I love the idea.  It's just a great way to help a child be successful and encourage their development of skill, as well as interest to learn that skill.

My son still needs some help getting things on the fork.  Sometimes he gets confused between the action of spooning versus the action of forking (I need to create some practical life activities for the shelf so he can practice!).  Often, I help guide his hand with the fork so that he can get something on it.

He has no problem finding his mouth, though!

This device is a fantastic idea for toddlers!  I'm not completely thrilled that it's plastic, but it is at least BPA-free.  It comes in many different colors.  I was able to purchase mine on Amazon, but you can also buy it directly from LC Pals.  For replacement parts you have to go directly to Learn N' Turn's site.

Another step on the road to independence!!

Post-Vaccination Fears and Rehabilitation

I am stressed.

My son had the MMR vaccination a week ago (on it's own and without any others) and, let's face it, no matter what you believe or don't believe, it's a scary experience.  Especially a week later when you get reactions like a fever and diarrhea (which he has).  It's terrifying to know that something you allowed to enter your child's bloodstream is now making him sick.  If you go on the internet to see what other experiences mother's have, you may find your fears alleviated, or you may find them completely ramped up.  For this reason, I never recommend going on the internet for information if you're the kind of person who believes everything that you read; you really have to be able to rationally except that not everything is true, fact-based, or statistically significant.  You have to be able to look for multiple sources to confirm information.  And, honestly, even when you know all that...it won't make you any less anxious.

What am I afraid of?  All of it...Autism, metal toxicity, vaccination damage, etc.  And while I personally believe that vaccinations do not have a causal relationship to Autism, I do believe that it's possible they make some contribution to the problem.  This isn't an anti-vaccination post or a post about vaccinations and Autism, however.  I take no official stance on the matter of vaccinations...I believe it's a personal decision every family has to make.  Yes, we are a vaccinating family (for now), but I never know if I'm doing the "right" thing.  The reality is, when choosing to vaccinate or not, you are choosing between the lesser of two evils, but you have no real confirmation of which one is the lesser evil.  Non-vaccinating leaves your child and others open to disease, while vaccinating leaves your child vulnerable to a large number of metals and toxins. There are so many opinions in both camps as to which is worse.  In the end, it's everyone-for-themselves when making that decision.  And even when you choose to vaccinate but spread them out or omit some (as we do), it doesn't make you feel any better about your decision.  I've read so much information on both sides of the debate and nothing makes me feel any closer to making a decision I can live with.  I have a hard tim trusting the allopathic medical community, and an even harder time feeling that many of the vaccinations that we give now (if I follow the CDC schedule to the letter, my son will have 5 times more vaccinations than I did) have more to do with drug company lobbying than real risk.  And so, I (and I bet many other parents) end up stressed.

So, I make the decisions I can make when it comes to vaccinating and I assume the risk and doubt my decisions.  However, there is one thing I can do.  One power I have left in this frustrating debate is that I can help my child process the vaccinations and rehabilitate his body in the aftermath.  These are the remedies I have begun using:

• Vitamins:  I'm not the biggest fan of vitamins, particularly synthetic ones.  Normally, I would choose foods that would up the vitamin levels, but for now we are going with vitamins that are sourced from "whole foods" because my son is also teething and refusing the foods I need him to eat.  I eat the foods and take the vitamins and he gets the vitamins through my breastmilk.  Each vaccination can deplete certain vitamin stores and certain vitamins can help the body process the vaccination.  For the MMR, I know that it depletes stores of Vitamin A and B6, so I have been taking those.  I have also read many studies about how Vitamin A helps the body process measles in the gut, and so I started my son on it before he even received the shot.  Vitamin C is another great vitamin to include in your regime as it helps boost immunity.  

• Probiotics:  The issues that surround vaccinations and, often, the MMR often center around the gut.  Vaccinations like the MMR include an antibiotic agent that kill good bacteria responsible for supporting the immune system to rid the body of disease (oh, the irony!).  By heavily dosing my son with probiotics before and after his injection, I can help his body replenish this much needed bacteria.  Not only will it replenish lost bacteria, but it boosts the immune system and aids in detoxing.  I already give him a probiotic daily and have simply increased the dose during this process.

• Chiropractor:  I've increased my son's visits to weekly until he's though processing the vaccination and it"s reaction in order to help his body communicate.

• Elderberry Syrup:  Elderberry helps fight viruses and support the immune system.  I already give this to my son daily, but I increased the amount during the vaccination process just as I would if he had gotten sick naturally  

• Clay Baths:  Chelation is the process of removing metal toxins from the body.  Vaccinations are full of metals and children are also exposed to an abundance of metals in the very chemical environment we have created around them.  There are internal chelation liquids for children, but I have chosen not to use those since I really don't know much about them and don't want to add anything more into my son's system.  Instead, I found a clay bath for children that draws out metal toxins.

Being proactive makes me feel better about this whole process.  I have to remember to control what I can and be vigilant about what I can't.  

How do you deal with the fears?  How do you help your child's body recuperate?

Practical Life: Being Ready For When They Are!

At sixteen months old, my son is on the move and entirely interested in getting his body going.  With the freedom of movement, it's becoming easier to see what he wants to do, what he wants to get into, and ultimately, what he wants to learn!  If it's in plain sight, I'll know if he's interested.  When I give him freedom to explore, I learn so much about his capabilities that I never realized and it reminds me of how fast children develop.  Sometimes there are experiences and interactions that I must let him have and sometimes there are experiences I must support him through.  Occasionally, there are things I need to prevent him from experiencing or keep out of his reach for safety's sake.  It's can be difficult to maintain that delicate balance of allowing, supporting, and preventing experiences; difficult to remember how to orchestrate the environment safely without being controlling.

Sometimes we forget or fail to realize that a child may be interested and ready for something long before we decide they are ready to be introduced to it.  We forget to give children opportunities and exposure to things that they might start to show interest in, or we become so worried about the messes and the clean up or safety that we avoid giving them those opportunities.  Hey, parents are only human.   The flaw can be that in our desire to keep our children "safe" or our environment "clean," we run the risk of our children missing opportunities to learn independence and skills.  When those opportunities are given at the moment children show interest in them, magical things can happen.  Children learn that we have faith in their abilities, that they can achieve things even when they are difficult, and that they can be confident in their choices.  Sometimes the smallest things have the biggest ramifications.

So how do we know when they are ready?  They show us; we just have to be prepared for the moment!  In Montessori classrooms, we give children the opportunity to learn practical life (as we call it) skills by making sure there are activities they can show interest in.  We teach children Care of the Environment and Care of Self by giving them the materials to participate in these kinds of activities.  In my house, I have begun to set up baskets of these kinds of materials for my son.  He has only occasionally shown interest in these things, but I know that by putting them out, the opportunity is there for his interest to be triggered!

First I put out a basket of things for him to care for himself.  I included a small brush and comb, a tiny toothbrush that fits on his finger, and a wash cloth for wiping his face.  These things are in a basket in front of a mirror so that he can look at himself as he cares for himself.  Some families put these things on small tables and set up a sort-of vanity, but we don't have the space for that, so I set out a small carpet square he can sit on in front of the mirror.

Next I set out a small basket of cleaning things, so that he can mimic me in activities when he is interested.  He has his own floor sweeper with dustpan, a Swiffer mop, an extra Swiffer sheet for dusting, and a towel for cleaning up things like spills.

I am beginning to build ways for my son to have more access to his eating and drinking supplies and choice over snacks.  For now, I always make sure to give him a small cup with water and a utensil.  Over time I would give him the exposure and see the reaction.  At first I gave him a small cup and he'd stick his hands in it so I would take it away and try again later.  One day, he started drinking from it.  We have always given him utensils to "play" with, and then one day he began trying to eat with it and began requesting one if he didn't have one!  In order to help him with the process I discovered the Learn N' Turn which is making using a utensil much easier for him (it allows you to change the angle as the child's ability progresses):

Sometimes there's spilling; sometimes there's breaking.  It happens.  But every instance is a learning opportunity.  The more we provide children with things to participate in the care of themselves and the home, the more connected they become to that process of care.  And we have to remember to support and prepare for those opportunities, even if it does get a little messy :)

Toddler Breastfeeding: Surviving the Judgement

Breastfeeding in America has begun to shift, slowly, and I am grateful to see the change.  At one point, in this country, it was very difficult for women to breastfeed comfortably in public or without pressure to switch to formula.  Now, thankfully, the American Academy of Pediatrics at least recommends breastfeeding for 12 months, or longer as long as mutually desirable for mother or baby.  Breastfeeding my son for the first year was very comfortable and I felt very supported.  Rarely did I come across looks in public and no one ever gave me advice to wean.  I felt that my decision was very respected and  my efforts for my son were validated and encouraged.

And then he turned one.  Slowly, I have noticed, questions have begun to arise.  People I know, people I don't know, all wondering: so, when are you going to wean him?  They have many different reasons for the question, I imagine.  Some of them wish to have me return to a more free life (my son still nurses to sleep and is dependent upon me in this manner, refusing all forms of bottles and pacifiers, so I cannot be apart from him at night).  Others seem to have a cultural aversion to the idea of breastfeeding a toddler.  I often hear: "if they can ask for it, you know it's time to stop."  While breastfeeding an infant is supported by most people (that I know, at least), breastfeeding a toddler feels way more controversial.

I included the above image from Time magazine because I think it's a great example of how our culture has a difficult time with the idea of Toddler breastfeeding.  The extreme of this image (placing the child on a chair and making him appear much older) seems like a perfect example of an article that attempted to document the positive shift towards tolerance of breastfeeding, but then purposefully published a picture that would make people uncomfortable and unsupportive.  It seemed the reaction made people very uncomfortable with the child's age even though the child on the cover of the magazine is three years old and this is a pretty normal phenomenon in most of the world.  I've noticed that many people seem to think that if you let them keep breastfeeding, they won't stop until the elementary years.  Truthfully, we all probably know someone somewhere who did allow such a thing to happen, but I truly believe that is an extreme rarity.  On average, in the world, children given free access to breastfeeding usually naturally wean themselves between 2 and 4.  It is rare for a child to continue to breastfeed by choice past this age.  Most people that I know who continued breastfeeding had children that gave it up by the age of three.  

There is also a belief that mothers who continue to breastfeed are doing so for their own needs and not the needs of their child.  And while there may be a rare few of those mothers out there, most mothers I know only continue to breastfeed because of their child's own need.  If the child chooses to wean, many of us might gladly give it up!  If you've ever breastfed a toddler, you'll know that it can be a frustrating experience at times, full of demands, acrobatics, and often, inconvenience.

So, while breastfeeding is gaining in support, most of us who continue through the second year are met with some resistance.  Whether it's cultural or personal, it doesn't matter, either way, it can make you question yourself.  And Mommy Doubt is the worst.  Especially when it would be so much easier to think of yourself above all.  So, I listen, and I research, and what I have found is that not a single person has said something that gave me a good reason to wean my son.  And by good reason, I mean one that is best for his development.  Yes, it would be fun for me to be a little more free and go out occasionally in the night time...but is that really worth forcing my son to fall asleep on his own or wean when he's not ready?  Yes, he can ask for it and his timing frustrates me occasionally...but that just means that he can communicate a need and it actually makes my life easier in the long run because I'm not trying to interpret a cry.  The ability to voice a need should not make any need go away.  

Instead, I look at the research, and the research tells me that what I am doing is good for him.  The World Health Organization recommends at least 24 months of breastfeeding.  According to KellyMom.com, there are a number of benefits to continued breastfeeding into toddlerhood, including nutrition, immunity and prevention of illness, cognitive achievement and intellectual development, mental and social development, and positive impact on mother's health.  My son eats full meals throughout the day and mostly now breastfeeds for comfort (like many children seek from bottles or pacifiers) and as a component of his nutrition.  He can be picky about what he eats sometimes, but because he's breastfeeding, I never have to worry about his nutrition because I know the rest is made up through my milk.

When I combine all that information with the averages of cultures around the world, I realize that my decision to follow my son is not one that needs to be judged.  While it may not be touted by many Montessorians, some of whom believe in focusing on weaning as a road to independence, I choose to see it as following the child and supporting his natural independence when he chooses to be ready for that.  And while it may not be the choice for everyone (or necessary for all children), I realize that it's the right choice for my family.  And it's a choice I can reevaluate as time goes on, as long as I'm always thinking about what's best for my child.  And that helps me survive the judgment.

Taking Time For The "Little" Walk

We all know the value of walks for our children.  Getting outdoors, breathing the fresh air, exploring senses, and getting exercise are all wonderful benefits for both adults and children.  However, for the toddler especially, taking a walk can be a tiring experience and adults often find that children cannot walk very far.  So, instead, we contain children in strollers or carriers and go on our way.  We take the child for a walk, but he never walks.

Dr. Montessori, in Education for a New World (p.46-47), wrote: "At the age of two years, the child has a need for walking that most psychologists fail to consider.  He can walk for a mile or even two, and if part of it is up-hill, so much the better, for he loves to go up; the difficult points in the walk are the interesting ones.  But adults have to realize what walking means to the child; the idea that he cannot walk comes from the fact that they expect him to walk at their rate, and when he cannot, from the shortness of his legs, keep up, they pick him up and carry him to get the quicker to their goal.  But the child does not want to get anywhere; he just wants to walk, and to help him truly the adult must follow the child, and not expect him to keep up."  She wrote that "the child has his own laws of growth, and if we want to help him grow, we must follow him instead of imposing ourselves on him."  Instead of walking where we want to go or walking to get somewhere, children should walk "guided by attraction, and here education can help the child by introducing him to the colours, the shapes and forms of leaves, and the habits of insects, animals and birds...All these give point to his interest when he goes out and the more he learns, the more he walks."


In my attempt to capitalize on Montessori's wisdom, my son and I take what I like to call "little" walks. We often walk for a long time, sometimes an hour or more, but we may hardly go more than a few blocks.  We do not walk with any purpose other than walking and we go wherever my son's interests take us.  I do not make him follow any intended course, and when I do need him to follow a certain direction, I bait him using his interests.  I may point out a leaf down the path we need to go, or show him and animal, and he runs in that direction not because of my decision but because there is more to learn and discover!

On our little walks we find wonderful things.  We may find a bug and watch how it moves or stop and consider the movements of a squirrel or a bird.  My son likes to explore different terrains and trying to walk over them, "off-roading" as I like to call it.  Sometimes he finds a new place to explore, or a door to open and close.

Sometimes he chooses to bring his Y- Bike outdoors and explore new terrains that way.

Often, my son will stop and pick up rocks and move them around the environment over and over, for a long time.

Because he loves to pick things up, and in my desire to help him find something to do with those things rather than put them in his mouth, we bring a small bag or bucket for him to carry and collect things.  This works great as he is very much in that "load and tote phase"discussed by Alissa Marquess at Creative With Kids.  Such an elemental part of development to let kids explore and feel the weight of the items they discover, and giving them purpose or direction.  

I am not in control of our walks, he is.  I only assert myself when he wants to go into the road (which he is not allowed) or I use the tricks I mentioned before to help direct him down certain paths.  How long we walk, how far we go, and how long that takes is all up to him.  And the most amazing part of it is that it allows ME to reconnect with nature and find opportunities to share my knowledge with him.  Instead of walking along and not being able to see his little face in a stroller or a carrier, I can instead share the world with him, and that's the best part.

So, the next time you go for a walk, let your kid take control and see where you end up!!