Breastfeeding in America has begun to shift, slowly, and I am grateful to see the change. At one point, in this country, it was very difficult for women to breastfeed comfortably in public or without pressure to switch to formula. Now, thankfully, the American Academy of Pediatrics at least recommends breastfeeding for 12 months, or longer as long as mutually desirable for mother or baby. Breastfeeding my son for the first year was very comfortable and I felt very supported. Rarely did I come across looks in public and no one ever gave me advice to wean. I felt that my decision was very respected and my efforts for my son were validated and encouraged.
And then he turned one. Slowly, I have noticed, questions have begun to arise. People I know, people I don't know, all wondering: so, when are you going to wean him? They have many different reasons for the question, I imagine. Some of them wish to have me return to a more free life (my son still nurses to sleep and is dependent upon me in this manner, refusing all forms of bottles and pacifiers, so I cannot be apart from him at night). Others seem to have a cultural aversion to the idea of breastfeeding a toddler. I often hear: "if they can ask for it, you know it's time to stop." While breastfeeding an infant is supported by most people (that I know, at least), breastfeeding a toddler feels way more controversial.
I included the above image from Time magazine because I think it's a great example of how our culture has a difficult time with the idea of Toddler breastfeeding. The extreme of this image (placing the child on a chair and making him appear much older) seems like a perfect example of an article that attempted to document the positive shift towards tolerance of breastfeeding, but then purposefully published a picture that would make people uncomfortable and unsupportive. It seemed the reaction made people very uncomfortable with the child's age even though the child on the cover of the magazine is three years old and this is a pretty normal phenomenon in most of the world. I've noticed that many people seem to think that if you let them keep breastfeeding, they won't stop until the elementary years. Truthfully, we all probably know someone somewhere who did allow such a thing to happen, but I truly believe that is an extreme rarity. On average, in the world, children given free access to breastfeeding usually naturally wean themselves between 2 and 4. It is rare for a child to continue to breastfeed by choice past this age. Most people that I know who continued breastfeeding had children that gave it up by the age of three.
There is also a belief that mothers who continue to breastfeed are doing so for their own needs and not the needs of their child. And while there may be a rare few of those mothers out there, most mothers I know only continue to breastfeed because of their child's own need. If the child chooses to wean, many of us might gladly give it up! If you've ever breastfed a toddler, you'll know that it can be a frustrating experience at times, full of demands, acrobatics, and often, inconvenience.
So, while breastfeeding is gaining in support, most of us who continue through the second year are met with some resistance. Whether it's cultural or personal, it doesn't matter, either way, it can make you question yourself. And Mommy Doubt is the worst. Especially when it would be so much easier to think of yourself above all. So, I listen, and I research, and what I have found is that not a single person has said something that gave me a good reason to wean my son. And by good reason, I mean one that is best for his development. Yes, it would be fun for me to be a little more free and go out occasionally in the night time...but is that really worth forcing my son to fall asleep on his own or wean when he's not ready? Yes, he can ask for it and his timing frustrates me occasionally...but that just means that he can communicate a need and it actually makes my life easier in the long run because I'm not trying to interpret a cry. The ability to voice a need should not make any need go away.
Instead, I look at the research, and the research tells me that what I am doing is good for him. The World Health Organization recommends at least 24 months of breastfeeding. According to KellyMom.com, there are a number of benefits to continued breastfeeding into toddlerhood, including nutrition, immunity and prevention of illness, cognitive achievement and intellectual development, mental and social development, and positive impact on mother's health. My son eats full meals throughout the day and mostly now breastfeeds for comfort (like many children seek from bottles or pacifiers) and as a component of his nutrition. He can be picky about what he eats sometimes, but because he's breastfeeding, I never have to worry about his nutrition because I know the rest is made up through my milk.
When I combine all that information with the averages of cultures around the world, I realize that my decision to follow my son is not one that needs to be judged. While it may not be touted by many Montessorians, some of whom believe in focusing on weaning as a road to independence, I choose to see it as following the child and supporting his natural independence when he chooses to be ready for that. And while it may not be the choice for everyone (or necessary for all children), I realize that it's the right choice for my family. And it's a choice I can reevaluate as time goes on, as long as I'm always thinking about what's best for my child. And that helps me survive the judgment.
Thank you for your beautiful post. You put words to how I feel.
ReplyDelete