The First Days Of School: A Clean Break Can Break Your Heart

Separation Anxiety.  It's the worst.  I don't know who had it harder on the second day of my son's Toddler Montessori experience: me or him?

Clearly he had it rough; he cried for a half hour during the morning, grabbing the gate of the playground with his little hands and screaming like a banshee (oh, this kid could break glass!).  But, me, oh, poor me.  I had to listen; trapped up in my little room at the school working on parent education and listening to the screaming!  And did I mention that I had a window to the playground?  All I could do was watch.  And listen!  The agony I tell you, sheer agony.  Eventually he settled, but later he burst into tears again screaming my name again (oh no, did he hear my voice down the hall?).  Could it get any worse?

Having been a Montessori teacher and now a parent, this is a very new and eye-opening experience for me.  I remember during the first days of the school year, it was always the criers that challenged me.  A child's unending screams can actually feel annoying to any adult and while I tried to remain as sensitive outwardly as I could, it was hard not to feel frustrated with the tears (so, of course, I ended up with a crier!).  I knew this child would be ok.  I knew crying would not kill him.  I knew crying was simply the communication of his fears and frustration, and eventually it would get better; it always does.  But as a parent, everything changes.  The cry of any child is heart breaking; from your own, the heart break is maddening.  As a mother, every impulse screams "help your child!!!"  It's built in; it's part of evolution. You can't change the reaction, nor should you.  Only a parent can understand the feeling (had I only known what they were going through when I taught!).  It makes the moments and events when your child has to face the world on his own all that much harder.

The truth is, it is harder on us than them, and that's important to remember.  They will be okay.  This is an experience for them, a very new and confusing one, and it makes sense that they would feel insecure.  Crying is an expression of that insecurity and not severe distress.  It's communication, and one parents can easily understand because they are feeling it too.  But it doesn't mean that something is wrong.  It just means that we need to take the time to adjust and let them adjust.  We need to have a little faith.

How do you have faith and help your child through it?

Make a clean break.  When you drop your child off, whether it be at the classroom or in the car line, it's got to be quick and seamless.  Prepare your child before the break, maybe have a hug or snuggle session at home.  Goodbye rituals are very helpful.  But when you reach school it should be nothing more than a quick hug, "I'll be back after you work and play," and be on your way.  Look back with smiles and waves, but keep walking (or driving).  If you are hesitant or if you look worried it will lend credence to your child's fears.  If you linger, you will prolong the frustration of the transition.  Consider it like a bandage, rip it off quickly yet compassionately.  Then you are free to cry in your car.

Understand your child's tears.  Part of making this experience easier on yourself (which ultimately helps your child with the transition) is to know that your child's tears are an attempt at communication.  They are a valid communication but it does not mean that their fears are validated.  We can understand their tears and communicate that understanding ("I know you are worried but I will return soon") and still reflect the idea that there is no need to worry with our body language and tone.

Give your child something to look forward to.  Before you leave your child in the morning, talk about something you might do when you pick your child up (if your child is old enough to understand) so that they have something to think about doing after school.

Trust your child's teachers.  I know this one can be hard.  They don't know your child; they don't love your child, yet.  But, they will.  They will learn to know and love your child.  The key here is to choose a school setting that is aligned with your beliefs; find people who think about education in a thoughtful manner.  Teachers know the ropes, I can tell you this from personal experience, and they know that children acclimate at different rates.  They know your child will acclimate and how to help them engage in order to do this.

Know you and your child are not alone.  Your child is not the only one going through this difficult transition.  Even if he or she is the only one crying, it doesn't mean that he or she is the only one that feels that way.  Children are different and express things differently, but that doesn't mean they aren't having similar experiences or emotions.  This is a sensitive time and it is impacting everyone.

Understand that happiness comes with engagement.  As your child becomes more comfortable, your child will begin to engage, and as that process happens your child will develop happiness in his or her environment.  You may not see it for a while, sometimes children are perfectly happy at school but fall apart around their parents because their emotions come to the surface.  Just because your child cries on the way to school does not mean that your child will not enjoy himself or herself once there.  I've had many students cry and then have a wonderful time throughout the morning.  I've had those same children's parents express worry that their child is not happy because they haven't see it or heard it from their child.  But I have.  When your child is with you, he is thinking about leaving you.  His tears are not about school but about separation.  But once he's engaged in school activities, he's very likely to find happiness and enjoy himself.

Discuss things your child engages with at school.  Find out from your child's teachers what he or she did enjoy at school and remind your child of those things when you are home or on the way to school.

Believe in the power of independence.  When children learn that they can do things on their own, they begin to have faith in themselves.  Separation is the beginning of the child's journey towards self reliance and this is a key factor in happiness in life.  Your child's self discoveries will unlock a world of potential.

Separation is hard.  Separation is scary.  But it is the necessary beginning to a world of possibilities.  That's something I try to remember when my heart is breaking.