I've been noticing that when I yawn, my eight month old son does not yawn in response. I tested it. I yawned over and over, but nothing. Even writing this I've yawned (have you yawned yet?), but nothing from my little guy. And so, it got me thinking about empathy.
I wasn't sure how I knew yawning was related to empathy so I went and did a little research to confirm. We don't really know why people yawn, other than scientists agree that it is a form of reflex on the part of the respiratory system. It is not something that we control. But, what we do know is that the desire to yawn when others do is triggered by empathetic mechanisms. Yawning, in general, is involuntary, but yawning when others yawn is empathy.
This post isn't about yawning though. Yawning only triggered my realization. What I really began to think about: empathy. And my son doesn't have a lick of it.
He's not alone. People just aren't born with it. We're all little mini sociopaths when we start out, focused on our selves and having little regard of others. The difference between babies and sociopaths, however, is that babies just really haven't developed the concept of others just yet. They have an inherent need to focus on themselves given all that they have to learn. And while we are born with specific temperaments and genetics, we are born as social blank slates. Empathy has to be developed.
While babies have to develop empathy, the foundation for it exists as they grow. They develop abilities that put them on the path to empathy. They attain these foundational abilities without teaching, but through social interaction. First, to develop empathy, babies must develop a sense that other people exist and also have emotions, just as they do. They learn to recognize facial expressions and associate emotions with those expressions. They first learn that everyone is the same as them.
But, then, babies must come to the realization that these other people have feelings that can be different from theirs. Only then can they begin to develop empathetic responses. But this takes quite a bit of time. A two month old may respond to a smile, but that isn't empathy, it's more of an understanding, a knowledge of emotions that is developing. I read a post once where a mother reported that her nine month old would cry out and get upset when she screamed in pain. She wondered if it was empathy, but I think it was more likely her child getting upset at a sudden loud noise. My son gets very upset when I sneeze or cough, but I think he's more upset at the noise than concerned for my health. Children respond to emotions at a very young age, but the response is not empathy. Empathy, rather, is the ability to understand someone else's emotions and, in a sense, vicariously experience them yourself.
It's a process that comes with understanding the social nature of people and it takes time. A friend of mine once expressed to me her frustration when her daughter (barely two years of age) hits another child and the other child's parent reacts angrily, taking their child away. I can understand her frustration.
Empathy is essential to the concept of hitting. We don't hit because we don't want to hurt others. Empathy allows us to feel another person's pain and ultimately choose not to inflict it. People (babies and adults alike) who hit lack a certain empathy for the person they are hitting. With young children, this is because they haven't developed it (and I'd argue those adults failed to develop empathy properly as well). With very young children, couple lack of empathy with a lack of impulse control and a limited ability to communicate (which also take time to develop) and it's not surprising that they hit when frustrated or upset. It's something to remember before choosing to punish your own child or express anger toward's someone else's.
I'm not saying that hitting is excused by this lack of empathy development. What I am saying is that when we consider children's behaviors, we must consider where they are developmentally. It is our job to aid in this development. It is our job to assist in the development of empathy and social awareness, as well as provide examples of how to communicate and resolve problems.
Punishment is never an effective route for combatting these kinds of behaviors. For starters, very young children fail to understand their social interactions. The nine month old that hit my son a few months back was not trying to hurt him because in no way could she understand that he would be caused pain. A two year old is not in much different of a boat, although is getting closer to empathetic responses. So the reaction must be in the form of explanation. First, we recognize the child's problem or frustration and give them the necessary language for the response (eg. give me that toy back, please). We can also consequence the action. Perhaps have the child return the toy and explain that hitting hurts and we use our words.
If your child cannot stop hitting, removal from the situation with the statement "you may not play if you are going to hit and hurt people" may become necessary. This final consequence is for the sake of safety and teaching social parameters. But it must come along with all the other explanations. The problem with punishment rather than education is that it teaches children to omit a behavior out of fear of parental reaction rather than develop a social, empathetic conscience. The latter is far more beneficial to the child and society.
Your child may not understand everything you say, but over time, the message will sink in. It is the combination of the natural social development coupled with social education from the parent that allows a child to develop empathy and respond accordingly. And it's a process during which a child may not always get it right.
So, I'm aware that my little guy has no empathy. And I'm aware that the development of everything from gentle touch to sharing to playing with others to problem solving will require my assistance. I'm up for the challenge, but it reminds me of one more thing. Because I am able and have developed the ability, I must empathize with him and all children through these phases of their development.
No comments:
Post a Comment