5 Things I Love About Co-Sleeping

You could say also that where infants sleep reflects the parents emotional needs as well as possibly childrearing goals or philosophies. There is no one way to arrange your baby's sleep, before you retire for the night and how well one approach works is, as always, determined by factors pertinent to each family depending on what parents want, hope for, and see as reflecting the kind of relationship they want to share with each other and with their infants and other children. -- Dr. James McKenna

We are a co-sleeping family. We arrived at this choice because it was the best way for my son to sleep, which meant I got more sleep, which ultimately meant my husband got more sleep because if I didn't sleep, then no one would. Though it's not the sleeping arrangement we anticipated when we first got pregnant, I have grown to love it.  Even if you don't co-sleep every night or all night, I bet you can agree that any moments your child snoozes in bed can be rewarding.  Don't get me wrong, I could just as easily come up with five things that drive me nuts (getting kicked in the head, losing all personal sleeping space, being woken to nurse, having to be quiet in my own bedroom, and not getting uninterrupted sleep...whoa, those came quickly), but still, night parenting in this fashion really has some amazing elements:

Never having to get out of bed.  I never get out of bed.  Maybe to go to the bathroom (isn't aging wonderful?), but never to parent.  With my son right there next to me, I can easily help him back to sleep, prop him up to breathe better when he's sick, or cover him with the blanket he refuses to keep on even though he's cold.

Listening to the sounds of sleep.  Ok, maybe not the snoring of a stuffed-up toddler on those occasional nights of illness, but when my son is sleeping he's very amusing.  For starters, my son talks in his sleep.  Every now and then he'll yell out random demands ("I want book!") and never wake.  I'm actually giggling at 2 am sometimes.  Additionally, there's just all those cute noises that accompany a sleeping toddler: soft breathing, little sighs, and the occasional moan of contentment.  I love all of it.

Being reached for.  Most of the time, unless teething pains or other events occur, my son just needs to know I'm there to fall back asleep.  He'll reach out his little arm, rest it on me, and then gently fall back into the oblivion.  It's a brief moment, but a wonderful connection all the same.  And, yes, I am ignoring the times a gentle reach becomes a smack in the face.

Never having to worry.  Since my son was born, I've always known how his breathing sounds and whether or not it's stable.  I never worry that he'll wake up fighting for air (like I've heard croup can do) and I won't be there.  If he's sick, I usually know before he does.  In the same way that he knows he's safe because I'm there, so do I.

Stealing kisses.  Watching my son sleeping soundly and peaceful often overwhelms me with love in the middle of the night.  I lean over and kiss him softly on the forehead so as not to wake him.  Sometimes the joys of being a mother are astounding.


What do you love about the family bed?

When Are You Going To Stop Breastfeeding?

"So, when do you plan on weaning him?"

I hear this question a lot.  Occasionally it feels like judgement, but most of the time it just feels like curiosity.  People are always imagining how they might feel if they were in your situation, and wondering how you feel about it too.  Honestly?  I have no idea.

If you asked me this question nearly two years ago, I would have emphatically told you that I would breastfeed for the first year, certainly, but after that I really couldn't imagine I'd go any further...maybe, I would.  If you asked me this question a year ago, I would have told you probably until a year and a half, but I really can't see myself breastfeeding past 18 months.  If you asked me this question six months ago, I would have told you that we'd gear up to wean in the next few months because I really can't see myself breastfeeding past two.

In five weeks, my son will turn two years old.  As of yet, we are not weaning.  As you can see, all those previous statements are solely from my perspective.  The reality is, there's a very clear answer to the question, and it has nothing to do with me:

"Ask him."

When I began this parenting journey, I had one clear path in mind: I was going to follow my child, wherever that might lead.  I think, so far, one thing I can attest to is that I have.  I was not aware when I made this Montessori oath to myself, that my child's path would always take us places much less travelled.  From the first month (day one, really), everything about him was different than many of my friends' children.  You couldn't put him down (ever, seriously, not even in the hospital), he quickly refused all forms of bottle or pacifier, and he was very, very, fussy.  Breastfeeding has always been his greatest comfort.  For a child who is so easily panicked, breastfeeding is the easiest method of relaxation.

I am not a cry-it-out parent, I am a follow-the-child parent.  When I say that, I don't mean my child never cries.  When he has a tantrum, he cries.  When we both get frustrated, he cries.  No still means no in our household, but my job is to mitigate the situation and help him through it.  Yes, he can't run with the scissors, but it doesn't mean it's the end of the world, I show him another way that can make him happy.  Our life is not a war, battles do not need to be won and fought.  We have to work together.

That said, self-weaning truly feels like the best way to follow my son.  I don't want this bond to break and this solace to end by force.  But, I'm not going to lie, it worries me a lot.  It's another reality of walking a path and not being able to see around the bend.  It's all an act of faith.  But it's hard, because while he loves it and is not ready to give it up, I can feel that I am closer to giving it up.  There are moments when we are out and about or I am doing something and breastfeeding is not what I would like to shift my attention to.  I can't breastfeed forever!

On the other hand, breastfeeding still has some amazing advantages that I almost feel sorry for other mothers at times (and please know I say that without judgment, there are many moments these same moms may feel sorry for me getting kicked in the face during a round of toddler breastfeeding acrobatics) who cannot or no longer breastfeed.  Children of the unconscious absorbent mind, the first three years of life, are still very much infants and they are ultimately reactive rather than purposeful.  There's no reasoning with a child of this age.  Breastfeeding a toddler can often making those tired falling-apart moments calmer, teething a little easier, and illness a little more comforted (not to mention I know he's getting my antibodies to help him fight said illness).  I never have to worry about my son's nutrition because if he's not eating the green vegetables on his plate this week, at least I am and so he's going to get some of it anyway.  When his recent ear infection flared and garlic-mullein drops were only getting us so far (don't make me mention the failed course of amoxicillin I refused to repeat), it was after the introduction of garlic pills into my diet that he stopped grabbing his ear.  Wind my son up on an airplane, and breastfeeding can still calm him back down, facilitate sleep, and prevent that ear pressure from building up.  When I remind myself of all these things, I certainly don't feel pressed to force him to stop; in fact, it makes me glad that we still can and do breastfeed.

I think a lot of my thoughts about weaning are more driven by the undertone of societal pressure, that there are people who think I should stop (although, I know I am fortunate that no one ever says anything like this to me).  The other times it's because breastfeeding a toddler is NOT easy.  It is frequently inconvenient, occasionally uncomfortable, and often a damper on any hope of a social life (my son is still far more comforted by me than anyone else because I can breastfeed him; and he nurses to sleep, still unable to fall asleep without it).  These days, when my son wants to breastfeed, I will come up with some other ideas that he might like also (are you hungry and need food; are you bored and need help finding an activity; are you thirsty?).  But when all else fails, I do not deny him and truthfully, I don't want to.  I want this part of our relationship to finish its course because he's ready, and I know, one day not too long from now, he will be (KellyMom will tell you that the average child self-weans not long from now).  We are already nursing much less than ever before, and I continue to show him there are many other ways to get comfort and his needs met, but as long as it's important to him, it's important to me.

When I worry that self-weaning will never happen or take much longer than I am comfortable with, worrying that I will ultimately have to force it when it gets too much, I search the internet and am comforted by the stories of other mothers.  Stories like those of Dirty Diaper Laundry, Melissa (found on KellyMom), The Parent Vortex, and the truly awesome Mayim Bialik (also here), remind me that I am not alone, I am not making crazy choices, I have options, and I can follow my heart (and my child).  The life of breastfeeding a toddler can feel very lonely, at least for me, and it's the stories of amazing women who stand up for their choices that make me proud to stand up for mine.  

And so, when people ask me when we are going to wean, for now I will tell them: "ask him."  Because it's his needs that tell me where to go.

{{ If you have a wonderful extended breastfeeding story (or any breastfeeding story at all), please share with me!! }}

My Absence: The Hard Times of Parenting

I haven't written in quite a while.  I'm not sure if it's winter blues or the life-sucking nature of a toddler in the throws of a sensitive period for order (a nice, Montessori way of saying the "terrible twos"), but I've been lacking the passion for sharing my parenting discoveries.  I think ultimately, I felt the need to unplug a little.  I'm amazed by mommy bloggers who are able to make the time to write, share, and keep up an audience.  I'm amazed by mommies who hold down jobs and come home to screaming kids, refusal to get in the bath, refusal to leave the bath, and just down right refusal for anything.

I'm writing again because it's time to pull myself up by the bootstraps.  But, this post is not going to be about children.  It's going to be about me.  And, hopefully, you, too.  I hope.  God, I hope I'm not alone.

Lately, I've been reading all about wonderful ways of being positive with the intent of letting gratitude make you a better parent.  The Abundance Mama Project is amazing, and if I wasn't such a hard pressed realist (who actually sneers at all things overly positive), I would be driven to spout all of the positive things about being a mother.  And I will try.  But, not today.  No, today, I turn my nose up at positivity and ask, can I just talk about the hard stuff for a minute?

When it comes to the hard times of being a parent, Creative with Kids does an amazing job talking about anger.  But, I'm not angry.  Ok, sometimes I am, but I don't need to tell you about it when she does so much better a job.  Yes, I'm learning not to yell (also a great topic running through the mommy blogs lately), but the Orange Rhino Challenge could tell you much more wonderful things about that.

But, for me, the hardest times of being a mother have nothing to do with the anger, the tantrums, the desire to yell, or any of those frustrations.  The hardest times for me are the days when I feel lost; the days when I feel like I am doing everything wrong and worry that all well-intentioned attempts will be for naught.  The hardest part with choosing a path is you never really know where that path will end.  And when you parent by following your child, you sometimes never really know where that path is going to go.

Even harder is when I feel like there's no time for me in this life I've created (and desperately want) to be driven towards my own accomplishments.  But, honestly, when there is time for me, I don't want to take it.  I don't want to invest myself in a thousand things.  I don't want to feel driven or accomplished.  I just want to sit.  For like five seconds.  And stare at a wall.  Is that okay?

Parenting is the most amazing journey I've ever embarked on.  I wouldn't change it for the world.  The output is always greater than the input.  The journey is making me a better person than I could have ever hoped to be.  But none of it is easy.  And that's obvious, yes, everyone will say it.  But, the reality of how not easy it is can be a little more profound than one realizes.  It's like climbing Mt. Everest (I imagine, since climbing Mt. Everest is an endeavor I am extremely unlikely to undertake): the view is breathtaking and the energy is exhilarating.  Only, you never get to the top.  Because there is no top.  This mountain goes on forever.

Alright, I'm pulling myself up by the bootstraps and setting myself on solid ground now.

Candles: Holiday Explorations of Self-Restraint

A toddler? Handling a lit candle???

I know, you must think I'm crazy. Most people would. But, with the arrival of the holiday season and plummeting temperatures, my son is continuously exposed to fire. Lit fireplaces and candles litter the landscape of our friends, family, and our home. It's a teachable moment just waiting to happen.

In the Montessori classroom, we give children a lesson in how to handle dangerous objects. Knives, scissors, even pencils, need to be handled a certain way with care so that we don't hurt ourselves. In the environment, we only allow smaller, less dangerous versions of these objects, but we expose the children to them all the same.
Enter fire. With all this exposure to fire, I can see my son's curiosity peeked. Now, my son, in particular, is a cautious child and he understands the concept of hot. As a result of this understanding, he has demonstrated some self restraint in not touching things he knows to be hot. For this reason, understanding his already demonstrated capabilities, I decided that I could support his curiosity of candles.

My son asked me to light the candle, so I thought, why not use the moment to help him understand how to operate safely around fire using a very small amount of fire. I explained that it was hot and could burn ("ouch, boo boo!), but that if he touched the base on the outside, the candle could be moved carefully. I also showed him how to blow out the candle which became an exciting activity. He would try to blow it out and when he succeeded, I lit the candle again (with a lighter which we have explained is "danger" and only Mommy and Daddy can touch). Sometimes he would get frustrated and ask me to assist, but most of the time, he was in love with trying to blow the candle out.

The great thing about exploring something dangerous like fire is that it not only teaches the child safety, but it is an exercise in self-restraint. I would never leave my son alone with a candle; even with his cautious nature, I still see his hand drawn to the flame and have to remind him. But every moment I'm not reminding him and he remembers to control himself is a huge gain for the development of self control and, ultimately, self-discipline.

Even the act of blowing out the candle requires self-restraint, as he can not get too close to the candle with his face. It also allows him to develop the skills require to direct air directionally and with enough force. In the same way that blowing bubbles can help with language development, blowing out a candle helps children develop control over inhaling and exhaling which supports appropriate speech development (speech is the result of controlled breath coupled with appropriate sounds).

I love discovering activities that excite my son while allowing him to develop skills. While this activity requires complete supervision, it gives us something to do together, adding a social aspect with turn taking, expressing excitement when it blows out and disappointment when it doesn't, and enjoying each others company.

The Magic Of The Montessori Classroom

Working part time as the Parent Learning Coordinator for the Montessori school my son attends (twice a week) has been a wonderful experience.  It's helped me dive back into philosophy and work closely with parents in a way that always enriches my own parenting experience.  But, sometimes, I feel out of touch, I feel confused, or I feel thrown off by trying to make all the right choices, or decide if Montessori even has all the answers (or which answers I feel are most important).

Today, however, I was reminded of why I fell in love with Montessori.  I decided to spend a little time of my morning in the primary classrooms at the school.  As quiet as can be, I took my place in a little chair in part of the room to just sit and observe.  I let the peace wash over me.

If you've never sat in a Montessori classroom,  I highly recommend it.  It is magical.  Not because the children tend to be quieter, and not because the environment is in any way perfect.  It is magical because the children are free to follow their own intellectual and social desires.  I watched children plucking work off the shelf and quietly taking it to a table, quickly absorbing themselves in an activity.  I watched a child wash a chair with such effort and focus that it made me smile.  I watched another little boy get confused about his Triangle Box and begin looking for a way to solve his problem and figure out what to do next.  I watched other children looking to engage with friends, chatting, making funny faces, and laughing.  In a room full of activity, I felt calm.

If you have never sat and observed in a Montessori classroom, I recommend that you do.  If you are a Montessorian who has been out of the classroom for a while, I highly recommend a brief return.  For the former, I think it will amaze you, and for the latter, I know it will set your soul right.

My favorite thing about the Montessori classroom is that it is full of individuals.  Every child is so uniquely different, and here, you can really see it.  You can see it in their choices, their actions, and their desires.  The room goes in a million different directions because there are so many different ways to go.  It is a room full of possibilities.

What's your favorite thing about the Montessori classroom?

A Thanksgiving Art Project

I had intended to let my little guy paint a pumpkin on Halloween, but with all the excitement of carving Jack-O-Lanterns and baking holiday cookies, we forgot. So I thought this year, I would bring the left over pumpkin to my in-laws' house and let him paint it to decorate the Thanksgiving table. Upon hearing this, my mother-in-law bought extra pumpkins and it became a family art project.

This turned out to be a much more wonderful idea than I anticipated. Everyone painted a pumpkin the day before Thanksgiving and, the next afternoon, six beautiful pumpkins decorated our table. It was fun to watch everyone approach the project in a different way and they were all so excited by the outcome. We certainly have a new holiday tradition.




















I think open-ended projects like this makes for the best kind of art endeavors for children. There is no perfect outcome or expectation and the creative possibilities are endless. To make this project work for a toddler, we used water-based, washable Crayola paints and gave each color its own brush so we didn't have to worry about mixing colors or washing the brush after each use.

This year, I am thankful for family and opportunities to come together and share experiences, explore creativity, laugh and have fun.

Maybe this Christmas we'll paint ornaments. Anyone have another simple and open-ended idea?

Kid's Music I Can Actually Stand...

Let's face it, kids music has always been the bane of most adults' existence.  It's corny or irritating.  There's that question: why let them listen to that when they can listen to real music.

But they like it.

A LOT.

The development of music is like any other process in childhood development.  Children have to start with the fundamentals and they have to be able to relate to the music.  That doesn't mean they can't enjoy adult music, but they also love children's music.  Which unfortunately, can make a car ride unbearable.  Unless you find music you actually like!

Ok, ok, I know that's all relative.  If you read this post and you're not a parent, you'll probably think I'm insane for even using the word like.  But, it's not much different that the reality that when you become a parent, you actually enjoy the choo-choo train ride around the mall food court.  Go figure.

Still, I can't listen to just any kids music.  So, in my search for songs I could stand, I really did discover music that I enjoy.  Well, relatively speaking.  Hey, it's catchy.  And yes, you will find my husband and I randomly bursting out in song to "Willy Was A Whale."  I said it was catchy.  Anyways, here are a few artists I've come to enjoy.  But be careful...you might end up breaking out into song in the middle of the grocery store.  Oh, wait, I did that before I had kids...

RALPH'S WORLD

I love this guy.  His music is funny.  The album shown here, At The Bottom Of The Sea, I bought in full, mostly for the Coffee Song.  However, I have gone and bought other songs from his other albums.  At The Bottom Of The Sea is still my favorite though and I highly recommend it!  His music is quite folky and upbeat, which I like.  He's also just silly which is great, too.

ROBBIE SCHAEFER

A member of the popular band, Eddie From Ohio, Robbie is a wonderful children's entertainer.  I only wish he had more kids CDs than just Songs For Kids Like Us.  This was the first album I discovered that my son and I both loved.  He wore us out on it.  I think we've listened to it a thousand times.  It's still great though!  Very folky as well.  He also has a wonderful music outreach organization called One Voice focused on promoting peace and cultural awareness among children through music and media.

JUSTIN ROBERTS

So far I have purchased the album Yellow Bus, although I intend to explore more if I can stop my son from listening to the song Yellow Bus over and over and over and over and over (you see where I am going with this?).  My favorite song is Thought It Was A Monster, however.  To each his own.  Another folky and upbeat singer, I highly recommend you check out his albums?

SING ALONG WITH PUTAMAYO

I just love this CD and so does every kid I have ever met.  Unfortunately, it's not available on ITunes, but you can purchase the CD from Putamayo's site.  Once you've hear Banana Phone, you'll be hooked.  And there's a gorgeous rendition of You Are My Sunshine.  On that note, all of Putamayo's kids CDs are pretty wonderful.  I have a special love for Folk Playground and World Playground.

Those are my discoveries so far.  Anyone else have kids CDs they actually enjoy?  I'd love to find more!!

UPDATE (2/10/13):

Pandora's Children's Indie Station is changing my life!  I'm loving the music on this channel and it introduces me to all sorts of new artists. 

Love The Rhythm Train: Dick Van Dyke, the Chili Pepper's Chad Smith, Leslie Bixler, need I say more!