Bed-Sharing: I'm Not On The Defensive Anymore

MY SON SLEEPS IN MY BED!

Yes, I said it. Loud and proud, I'm saying it. And, the truth is, I'm tired of feeling like I need to defend it. Why should my choice as a parent be seen as negative? What's wrong with bed-sharing (also known as co-sleeping)?!

Let me start by telling you what prompted this little (?) outburst of mine.  I was on a walk with my ten month old son and decided to take the circuit that goes past the school where I used to teach.  I wanted to visit my former coworkers and students.  So when we pulled up, we got plenty of excitement about how fast my son is growing and all sorts of questions.  Somehow it came up that my son sleeps with us. One of the responses: "oh, you better nip that in the bud!"

My instant emotional response was to become irate, but I blew past it.  And, I'm glad I did, because the two other teachers on the playground (NOT American by birth or culture, but from Eastern countries) had both bed-shared (one still does with her four year old).  Quickly the conversation turned to praise for the bond and security felt by children AND parents who bed share.

So, why, in America, is it so commonplace to think that bed sharing is not only terrible, but something you can openly critique about another parent's choices?  Why is my statement about bed sharing met with the same response as if I had announced that my son bites others (or something equally inappropriate)?  I don't really have the answer, but my guess is that it's related to certain Victorian attitudes about children that continue to be pervasive in our society (thanks for the idea, Mom!).  So let's put our fears and preconceptions aside and really think about bed sharing for a moment.

Bed sharing isn't anything new.  It was done in most parts of the world, including our own, up until the nineteenth century shift to the crib.  Today, despite it's negative perception in the US, it's a common place practice in most parts of the world (particularly Asia and Africa).  And studies have shown that it's often done in the US at some point (more often that not), it's just not talked about.  It's becoming more popular as more parents come out of the bed-sharing "closet."

Additionally, studies have found no I'll effects to children resulting from bed sharing.   It affects neither their intellectual development nor their behavior.  The studies have shown no difference between children who have shared sleep with parents and children who haven't in these areas.

Then, why is the American Academy of Pediatrics against bed-sharing under the age of one?  I think this decision on their part is a logical one when you considered that policy is usually made when considering the least responsible person.  You don't really want to advocate for something that could go horribly wrong when not done right.  Many parents use sleep aids, have high beds, or are overly sound sleepers.  Bed sharing can be unsafe in these conditions.  When facing that reality, the institution doesn't want to support something they can't guarantee all parents will do right.  Most pediatricians, however, will support it on a case by case basis.  Are you being safe?  Do you have preventative methods for keeping baby from falling out of bed?  Do you sleep lightly enough so that you don't roll on baby?  Do you refrain from sleep aids or substances that lower your cognition at night (like alcohol)?  These questions can determine whether safe bed-sharing is being practiced under age one.  Unless you can do it safely, you shouldn't do it at all.  But, if you are safe and conscious in your decision (there's a wealth of information on the Internet and on Dr. Sears' website on how to share a bed safely), the benefits can be great.

Before I say anything about bed sharing benefits, I want to make it clear that I'm not going from the anti-bedsharing stance to the opposite extreme; I'm not saying everyone should bed share.  I don't believe there are one-size fits all options for any aspect of parenting or living, for that matter.  It may not work for every parent or every child, and there is nothing wrong with that.  I think what matters for families is that parents do what works for both themselves and their child, and the options vary greatly.

I do believe that bed sharing is a positive option for all parents.  If it works for you, you shouldn't have to feel ashamed. You shouldn't have to feel like you are doing anything wrong.  Because, the truth is, there isn't anything wrong with it; you're not going to mess up your kids.  And you just maybe getting something wonderful out of it too.

So, what's so great about bed sharing?  For starters, it is an incredible time to bond with your child.  It can be especially beneficial if you work all day and your child is away from you; it can really extend the amount of time you have to be close to your child.  For me, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and it's wonderful to just watch my son sleep.  And when he reaches out for me to stroke my face and check that I'm there before falling back to sleep, I feel an overwhelming sense of love.   It's wonderful.

Bed sharing can also ease a parent's fears.  For me, I have a hard time with the idea of my son sleeping away from me at his age.  Especially when he was younger; the risk of SIDS was just too much for me to be comfortable with.  Even now, I sleep better just knowing he's safe.  There are arguments that bed sharing increases the risk for SIDS but I only think that can be related to unsafe bed sharing.  In fact, Dr. Sears actually hypothesizes (and research is being done to look into this) that SIDS risk is actually reduced by safe bed sharing.  His own studies, while not thorough enough to be considered conclusive, found that the babies he studied had more regular and safer breathing patterns when mom and baby slept together.

Bed sharing can mean healthy babies.  When mom and baby sleep together, breastfeeding is easier to do more frequently at night without anyone really having to wake much.  Babies who have this extra milk often thrive physically which affects them positively both emotionally and intellectually.   Additionally, if baby sleeps better in this manner, then baby sleeps more, and sleep is extremely beneficial to health.

Some children sleep better next to you.   This is ultimately the reason that my husband and I chose bed-sharing.  It was not the choice we originally intended (best laid plans, right?).  Some children sleep fine on their own from the start (maybe they fuss a few minutes but they fall asleep), and if yours does, you've probably never had to even consider this.  But our son does not sleep well on his own and he does not fuss gently but rather begins to scream and panic.  We started with him on his own but near us.   He did better when he was swaddled, but when that no longer worked for him, nothing was going to help him sleep.  He was waking up every 20-45 minutes.  I thought I was going to go insane.   Being adamantly against sleep training, I had no idea what to do and I was so upset every time he woke.  My husband finally told me to bring him in bed (which we knew worked from brief times I brought him in during the mornings), because we needed me to get some sleep.  It worked.  In the end, I know that I sleep better for it, and a lot of mothers have reported the same.

Many people might argue that a child needs to learn to sleep alone, and they need to do it early. Sleep trainers will advocate letting a child stress and cry themselves to sleep (and just so you know, this won't train every kid) just to make this point. But me, I think it's detrimental and fundamentally hypocritical. How many parents force their child to sleep alone and then return to their own beds where they sleep with a spouse?! We all become adults who seek that nighttime comfort from each other. So why should there be something wrong with a child who wants the same thing? Children are different, and if your child has the kind of temperament that requires this level of closeness, I don't think that's a negative. It may make him different. In our case, I love that my son is different. And I'd rather respect that than fight to make him like everyone else.

With all these great advantages, there are some disadvantages, although not always the ones people think.  I don't believe that it's a disadvantage to intimacy, because there are plenty of other rooms to be intimate in.  What I do think can be a disadvantage for some parents is that during that first year or so, your child needs YOU at night.  It's harder to just get a babysitter at night or leave your child for a week. So, it can depend on you and what you want as a parent.  For me, giving up the nightlife has been little of an issue; I'll get it back (sort of) one day.  And I'm not all that comfortable with leaving him yet anyway.  My husband and I have decided to make "date night" a long Sunday brunch at this restaurant we love, and that's all we really need!

So, in the end, I'm not ashamed that bed sharing was the route we ended up taking.  I remain a firm believer in "follow the child."  And it's clear, this is what my child needs.

I won't sit in the bed sharing closet; I'm out and I'm proud.  Who's with me?