My Absence: The Hard Times of Parenting

I haven't written in quite a while.  I'm not sure if it's winter blues or the life-sucking nature of a toddler in the throws of a sensitive period for order (a nice, Montessori way of saying the "terrible twos"), but I've been lacking the passion for sharing my parenting discoveries.  I think ultimately, I felt the need to unplug a little.  I'm amazed by mommy bloggers who are able to make the time to write, share, and keep up an audience.  I'm amazed by mommies who hold down jobs and come home to screaming kids, refusal to get in the bath, refusal to leave the bath, and just down right refusal for anything.

I'm writing again because it's time to pull myself up by the bootstraps.  But, this post is not going to be about children.  It's going to be about me.  And, hopefully, you, too.  I hope.  God, I hope I'm not alone.

Lately, I've been reading all about wonderful ways of being positive with the intent of letting gratitude make you a better parent.  The Abundance Mama Project is amazing, and if I wasn't such a hard pressed realist (who actually sneers at all things overly positive), I would be driven to spout all of the positive things about being a mother.  And I will try.  But, not today.  No, today, I turn my nose up at positivity and ask, can I just talk about the hard stuff for a minute?

When it comes to the hard times of being a parent, Creative with Kids does an amazing job talking about anger.  But, I'm not angry.  Ok, sometimes I am, but I don't need to tell you about it when she does so much better a job.  Yes, I'm learning not to yell (also a great topic running through the mommy blogs lately), but the Orange Rhino Challenge could tell you much more wonderful things about that.

But, for me, the hardest times of being a mother have nothing to do with the anger, the tantrums, the desire to yell, or any of those frustrations.  The hardest times for me are the days when I feel lost; the days when I feel like I am doing everything wrong and worry that all well-intentioned attempts will be for naught.  The hardest part with choosing a path is you never really know where that path will end.  And when you parent by following your child, you sometimes never really know where that path is going to go.

Even harder is when I feel like there's no time for me in this life I've created (and desperately want) to be driven towards my own accomplishments.  But, honestly, when there is time for me, I don't want to take it.  I don't want to invest myself in a thousand things.  I don't want to feel driven or accomplished.  I just want to sit.  For like five seconds.  And stare at a wall.  Is that okay?

Parenting is the most amazing journey I've ever embarked on.  I wouldn't change it for the world.  The output is always greater than the input.  The journey is making me a better person than I could have ever hoped to be.  But none of it is easy.  And that's obvious, yes, everyone will say it.  But, the reality of how not easy it is can be a little more profound than one realizes.  It's like climbing Mt. Everest (I imagine, since climbing Mt. Everest is an endeavor I am extremely unlikely to undertake): the view is breathtaking and the energy is exhilarating.  Only, you never get to the top.  Because there is no top.  This mountain goes on forever.

Alright, I'm pulling myself up by the bootstraps and setting myself on solid ground now.