The Years Fly By! Celebrating A Second Birthday

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”
― Dr. Seuss, Happy Birthday to You!

My son is TWO.  I could not think of words more appropriate than those of Dr. Seuss (but, isn't that how it always goes?).  In two years, he has developed into an amazing and unique little person. We often remark on how the years pass so quickly, and how much our little ones change, but today makes me think back to two years ago and the person he's been all along.

The French philosopher Pierre Teilhard de Chardin once wrote: "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience."  It is along these same lines that Dr. Montessori always spoke of the spiritual embryo.  From birth, our spiritual selves are present, holding within us all the elements we need to begin to create ourselves.  In the Secret of Childhood, she wrote:  "We should regard this secret effort of the child as something sacred.  We should welcome its arduous manifestations since it is in this creative period that an individual’s future personality is determined.”  But the child's secret is not without influence from the world around it.  In The Child In The Family, Montessori wrote: "The child thus incarnate is a spiritual embryo which must come to live for itself in the environment. But like the physical embryo, the spiritual embryo must be protected by an external environment animated by the warmth of love and the richness of values, where it is wholly accepted and never inhibited."  The process through which the mind and soul form is there from birth, but influenced by the love and care (or lack thereof) that we give the child.

From day one, my son demanded physical contact and attention.  He always knew what he needed and found a way to voice it...loudly.  Even in those first 48 hours, nurses would look upon him and remark "it's like he knows what's going on; what an old soul."  Over the next two years, people would continue to comment on how knowingly he takes in the world.  In those first days, I think we inherently knew my son would need extra: extra love, attention, patience, support, and sacrifice.  And in giving him extra, he has given us everything: faith, wonderment, trust, and a love I could barely imagine.

Today, he is full of laughter and mischief.  He is cautious, but still taken with a sense of adventure.  He is occasionally shy and reserved and, other times, talkative and charming.  He is dependent and clingy while still full of independence and drive.  He is incredible and complicated, frustrating and inspiring, infuriating and heart-melting.  He is a contradiction of wonders that has made my life unimaginably complete.  And that is truer than true.

When Are You Going To Stop Breastfeeding?

"So, when do you plan on weaning him?"

I hear this question a lot.  Occasionally it feels like judgement, but most of the time it just feels like curiosity.  People are always imagining how they might feel if they were in your situation, and wondering how you feel about it too.  Honestly?  I have no idea.

If you asked me this question nearly two years ago, I would have emphatically told you that I would breastfeed for the first year, certainly, but after that I really couldn't imagine I'd go any further...maybe, I would.  If you asked me this question a year ago, I would have told you probably until a year and a half, but I really can't see myself breastfeeding past 18 months.  If you asked me this question six months ago, I would have told you that we'd gear up to wean in the next few months because I really can't see myself breastfeeding past two.

In five weeks, my son will turn two years old.  As of yet, we are not weaning.  As you can see, all those previous statements are solely from my perspective.  The reality is, there's a very clear answer to the question, and it has nothing to do with me:

"Ask him."

When I began this parenting journey, I had one clear path in mind: I was going to follow my child, wherever that might lead.  I think, so far, one thing I can attest to is that I have.  I was not aware when I made this Montessori oath to myself, that my child's path would always take us places much less travelled.  From the first month (day one, really), everything about him was different than many of my friends' children.  You couldn't put him down (ever, seriously, not even in the hospital), he quickly refused all forms of bottle or pacifier, and he was very, very, fussy.  Breastfeeding has always been his greatest comfort.  For a child who is so easily panicked, breastfeeding is the easiest method of relaxation.

I am not a cry-it-out parent, I am a follow-the-child parent.  When I say that, I don't mean my child never cries.  When he has a tantrum, he cries.  When we both get frustrated, he cries.  No still means no in our household, but my job is to mitigate the situation and help him through it.  Yes, he can't run with the scissors, but it doesn't mean it's the end of the world, I show him another way that can make him happy.  Our life is not a war, battles do not need to be won and fought.  We have to work together.

That said, self-weaning truly feels like the best way to follow my son.  I don't want this bond to break and this solace to end by force.  But, I'm not going to lie, it worries me a lot.  It's another reality of walking a path and not being able to see around the bend.  It's all an act of faith.  But it's hard, because while he loves it and is not ready to give it up, I can feel that I am closer to giving it up.  There are moments when we are out and about or I am doing something and breastfeeding is not what I would like to shift my attention to.  I can't breastfeed forever!

On the other hand, breastfeeding still has some amazing advantages that I almost feel sorry for other mothers at times (and please know I say that without judgment, there are many moments these same moms may feel sorry for me getting kicked in the face during a round of toddler breastfeeding acrobatics) who cannot or no longer breastfeed.  Children of the unconscious absorbent mind, the first three years of life, are still very much infants and they are ultimately reactive rather than purposeful.  There's no reasoning with a child of this age.  Breastfeeding a toddler can often making those tired falling-apart moments calmer, teething a little easier, and illness a little more comforted (not to mention I know he's getting my antibodies to help him fight said illness).  I never have to worry about my son's nutrition because if he's not eating the green vegetables on his plate this week, at least I am and so he's going to get some of it anyway.  When his recent ear infection flared and garlic-mullein drops were only getting us so far (don't make me mention the failed course of amoxicillin I refused to repeat), it was after the introduction of garlic pills into my diet that he stopped grabbing his ear.  Wind my son up on an airplane, and breastfeeding can still calm him back down, facilitate sleep, and prevent that ear pressure from building up.  When I remind myself of all these things, I certainly don't feel pressed to force him to stop; in fact, it makes me glad that we still can and do breastfeed.

I think a lot of my thoughts about weaning are more driven by the undertone of societal pressure, that there are people who think I should stop (although, I know I am fortunate that no one ever says anything like this to me).  The other times it's because breastfeeding a toddler is NOT easy.  It is frequently inconvenient, occasionally uncomfortable, and often a damper on any hope of a social life (my son is still far more comforted by me than anyone else because I can breastfeed him; and he nurses to sleep, still unable to fall asleep without it).  These days, when my son wants to breastfeed, I will come up with some other ideas that he might like also (are you hungry and need food; are you bored and need help finding an activity; are you thirsty?).  But when all else fails, I do not deny him and truthfully, I don't want to.  I want this part of our relationship to finish its course because he's ready, and I know, one day not too long from now, he will be (KellyMom will tell you that the average child self-weans not long from now).  We are already nursing much less than ever before, and I continue to show him there are many other ways to get comfort and his needs met, but as long as it's important to him, it's important to me.

When I worry that self-weaning will never happen or take much longer than I am comfortable with, worrying that I will ultimately have to force it when it gets too much, I search the internet and am comforted by the stories of other mothers.  Stories like those of Dirty Diaper Laundry, Melissa (found on KellyMom), The Parent Vortex, and the truly awesome Mayim Bialik (also here), remind me that I am not alone, I am not making crazy choices, I have options, and I can follow my heart (and my child).  The life of breastfeeding a toddler can feel very lonely, at least for me, and it's the stories of amazing women who stand up for their choices that make me proud to stand up for mine.  

And so, when people ask me when we are going to wean, for now I will tell them: "ask him."  Because it's his needs that tell me where to go.

{{ If you have a wonderful extended breastfeeding story (or any breastfeeding story at all), please share with me!! }}

My Absence: The Hard Times of Parenting

I haven't written in quite a while.  I'm not sure if it's winter blues or the life-sucking nature of a toddler in the throws of a sensitive period for order (a nice, Montessori way of saying the "terrible twos"), but I've been lacking the passion for sharing my parenting discoveries.  I think ultimately, I felt the need to unplug a little.  I'm amazed by mommy bloggers who are able to make the time to write, share, and keep up an audience.  I'm amazed by mommies who hold down jobs and come home to screaming kids, refusal to get in the bath, refusal to leave the bath, and just down right refusal for anything.

I'm writing again because it's time to pull myself up by the bootstraps.  But, this post is not going to be about children.  It's going to be about me.  And, hopefully, you, too.  I hope.  God, I hope I'm not alone.

Lately, I've been reading all about wonderful ways of being positive with the intent of letting gratitude make you a better parent.  The Abundance Mama Project is amazing, and if I wasn't such a hard pressed realist (who actually sneers at all things overly positive), I would be driven to spout all of the positive things about being a mother.  And I will try.  But, not today.  No, today, I turn my nose up at positivity and ask, can I just talk about the hard stuff for a minute?

When it comes to the hard times of being a parent, Creative with Kids does an amazing job talking about anger.  But, I'm not angry.  Ok, sometimes I am, but I don't need to tell you about it when she does so much better a job.  Yes, I'm learning not to yell (also a great topic running through the mommy blogs lately), but the Orange Rhino Challenge could tell you much more wonderful things about that.

But, for me, the hardest times of being a mother have nothing to do with the anger, the tantrums, the desire to yell, or any of those frustrations.  The hardest times for me are the days when I feel lost; the days when I feel like I am doing everything wrong and worry that all well-intentioned attempts will be for naught.  The hardest part with choosing a path is you never really know where that path will end.  And when you parent by following your child, you sometimes never really know where that path is going to go.

Even harder is when I feel like there's no time for me in this life I've created (and desperately want) to be driven towards my own accomplishments.  But, honestly, when there is time for me, I don't want to take it.  I don't want to invest myself in a thousand things.  I don't want to feel driven or accomplished.  I just want to sit.  For like five seconds.  And stare at a wall.  Is that okay?

Parenting is the most amazing journey I've ever embarked on.  I wouldn't change it for the world.  The output is always greater than the input.  The journey is making me a better person than I could have ever hoped to be.  But none of it is easy.  And that's obvious, yes, everyone will say it.  But, the reality of how not easy it is can be a little more profound than one realizes.  It's like climbing Mt. Everest (I imagine, since climbing Mt. Everest is an endeavor I am extremely unlikely to undertake): the view is breathtaking and the energy is exhilarating.  Only, you never get to the top.  Because there is no top.  This mountain goes on forever.

Alright, I'm pulling myself up by the bootstraps and setting myself on solid ground now.

The Secret of Childhood

It's my son's first day of Montessori. He is attending a two day/ half day toddler program while I work at the school providing parent education. He has never been under the care of anyone other than family, so it is a truly brand new experience!

I have always been on the other side of this equation; I've been the teacher welcoming the children, telling the parents not to worry. Never did I realize how much of an impact it makes upon a parent: the worry, the separation anxiety, the concern. I am lucky, I know my son's teacher well; I have known her a long time, spoken philosophy with her, worked alongside her. And I'm right down the hall. Still, I battle the anxiety.

But at my deepest level, I am excited for him, so excited. As I sent him off, it made me reflect on the secret of childhood. Dr. Montessori often referred to what she called the secret of childhood (she even made it the title of one of her books), illuminating the idea that every child is a unique being with his own destiny. Every child has his own capabilities and desires that will unfold over time. Only by watching and following this child, loving and respecting who he his, cultivating his independence, and encouraging his internal drive, will we ever become aware of his secret. Only when he becomes who he is meant to be will the secret be revealed. Sometimes parents want to outline their children's lives, but the truth is, only the child's reality will become the child's life. Only by giving our child freedom to develop and guidance without imposition can we hope they will become the best versions of themselves.

My son has begun his independent journey. The Montessori environment will give him his first taste of developing himself away from his family, discovering who he is on his own. I am excited to see what choices he will make, what passions he will hold, and what the secret of his childhood will define.

On Children
-Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Toddler Breastfeeding: Surviving the Judgement

Breastfeeding in America has begun to shift, slowly, and I am grateful to see the change.  At one point, in this country, it was very difficult for women to breastfeed comfortably in public or without pressure to switch to formula.  Now, thankfully, the American Academy of Pediatrics at least recommends breastfeeding for 12 months, or longer as long as mutually desirable for mother or baby.  Breastfeeding my son for the first year was very comfortable and I felt very supported.  Rarely did I come across looks in public and no one ever gave me advice to wean.  I felt that my decision was very respected and  my efforts for my son were validated and encouraged.

And then he turned one.  Slowly, I have noticed, questions have begun to arise.  People I know, people I don't know, all wondering: so, when are you going to wean him?  They have many different reasons for the question, I imagine.  Some of them wish to have me return to a more free life (my son still nurses to sleep and is dependent upon me in this manner, refusing all forms of bottles and pacifiers, so I cannot be apart from him at night).  Others seem to have a cultural aversion to the idea of breastfeeding a toddler.  I often hear: "if they can ask for it, you know it's time to stop."  While breastfeeding an infant is supported by most people (that I know, at least), breastfeeding a toddler feels way more controversial.

I included the above image from Time magazine because I think it's a great example of how our culture has a difficult time with the idea of Toddler breastfeeding.  The extreme of this image (placing the child on a chair and making him appear much older) seems like a perfect example of an article that attempted to document the positive shift towards tolerance of breastfeeding, but then purposefully published a picture that would make people uncomfortable and unsupportive.  It seemed the reaction made people very uncomfortable with the child's age even though the child on the cover of the magazine is three years old and this is a pretty normal phenomenon in most of the world.  I've noticed that many people seem to think that if you let them keep breastfeeding, they won't stop until the elementary years.  Truthfully, we all probably know someone somewhere who did allow such a thing to happen, but I truly believe that is an extreme rarity.  On average, in the world, children given free access to breastfeeding usually naturally wean themselves between 2 and 4.  It is rare for a child to continue to breastfeed by choice past this age.  Most people that I know who continued breastfeeding had children that gave it up by the age of three.  

There is also a belief that mothers who continue to breastfeed are doing so for their own needs and not the needs of their child.  And while there may be a rare few of those mothers out there, most mothers I know only continue to breastfeed because of their child's own need.  If the child chooses to wean, many of us might gladly give it up!  If you've ever breastfed a toddler, you'll know that it can be a frustrating experience at times, full of demands, acrobatics, and often, inconvenience.

So, while breastfeeding is gaining in support, most of us who continue through the second year are met with some resistance.  Whether it's cultural or personal, it doesn't matter, either way, it can make you question yourself.  And Mommy Doubt is the worst.  Especially when it would be so much easier to think of yourself above all.  So, I listen, and I research, and what I have found is that not a single person has said something that gave me a good reason to wean my son.  And by good reason, I mean one that is best for his development.  Yes, it would be fun for me to be a little more free and go out occasionally in the night time...but is that really worth forcing my son to fall asleep on his own or wean when he's not ready?  Yes, he can ask for it and his timing frustrates me occasionally...but that just means that he can communicate a need and it actually makes my life easier in the long run because I'm not trying to interpret a cry.  The ability to voice a need should not make any need go away.  

Instead, I look at the research, and the research tells me that what I am doing is good for him.  The World Health Organization recommends at least 24 months of breastfeeding.  According to KellyMom.com, there are a number of benefits to continued breastfeeding into toddlerhood, including nutrition, immunity and prevention of illness, cognitive achievement and intellectual development, mental and social development, and positive impact on mother's health.  My son eats full meals throughout the day and mostly now breastfeeds for comfort (like many children seek from bottles or pacifiers) and as a component of his nutrition.  He can be picky about what he eats sometimes, but because he's breastfeeding, I never have to worry about his nutrition because I know the rest is made up through my milk.

When I combine all that information with the averages of cultures around the world, I realize that my decision to follow my son is not one that needs to be judged.  While it may not be touted by many Montessorians, some of whom believe in focusing on weaning as a road to independence, I choose to see it as following the child and supporting his natural independence when he chooses to be ready for that.  And while it may not be the choice for everyone (or necessary for all children), I realize that it's the right choice for my family.  And it's a choice I can reevaluate as time goes on, as long as I'm always thinking about what's best for my child.  And that helps me survive the judgment.

Taking Time For The "Little" Walk

We all know the value of walks for our children.  Getting outdoors, breathing the fresh air, exploring senses, and getting exercise are all wonderful benefits for both adults and children.  However, for the toddler especially, taking a walk can be a tiring experience and adults often find that children cannot walk very far.  So, instead, we contain children in strollers or carriers and go on our way.  We take the child for a walk, but he never walks.

Dr. Montessori, in Education for a New World (p.46-47), wrote: "At the age of two years, the child has a need for walking that most psychologists fail to consider.  He can walk for a mile or even two, and if part of it is up-hill, so much the better, for he loves to go up; the difficult points in the walk are the interesting ones.  But adults have to realize what walking means to the child; the idea that he cannot walk comes from the fact that they expect him to walk at their rate, and when he cannot, from the shortness of his legs, keep up, they pick him up and carry him to get the quicker to their goal.  But the child does not want to get anywhere; he just wants to walk, and to help him truly the adult must follow the child, and not expect him to keep up."  She wrote that "the child has his own laws of growth, and if we want to help him grow, we must follow him instead of imposing ourselves on him."  Instead of walking where we want to go or walking to get somewhere, children should walk "guided by attraction, and here education can help the child by introducing him to the colours, the shapes and forms of leaves, and the habits of insects, animals and birds...All these give point to his interest when he goes out and the more he learns, the more he walks."


In my attempt to capitalize on Montessori's wisdom, my son and I take what I like to call "little" walks. We often walk for a long time, sometimes an hour or more, but we may hardly go more than a few blocks.  We do not walk with any purpose other than walking and we go wherever my son's interests take us.  I do not make him follow any intended course, and when I do need him to follow a certain direction, I bait him using his interests.  I may point out a leaf down the path we need to go, or show him and animal, and he runs in that direction not because of my decision but because there is more to learn and discover!

On our little walks we find wonderful things.  We may find a bug and watch how it moves or stop and consider the movements of a squirrel or a bird.  My son likes to explore different terrains and trying to walk over them, "off-roading" as I like to call it.  Sometimes he finds a new place to explore, or a door to open and close.

Sometimes he chooses to bring his Y- Bike outdoors and explore new terrains that way.

Often, my son will stop and pick up rocks and move them around the environment over and over, for a long time.

Because he loves to pick things up, and in my desire to help him find something to do with those things rather than put them in his mouth, we bring a small bag or bucket for him to carry and collect things.  This works great as he is very much in that "load and tote phase"discussed by Alissa Marquess at Creative With Kids.  Such an elemental part of development to let kids explore and feel the weight of the items they discover, and giving them purpose or direction.  

I am not in control of our walks, he is.  I only assert myself when he wants to go into the road (which he is not allowed) or I use the tricks I mentioned before to help direct him down certain paths.  How long we walk, how far we go, and how long that takes is all up to him.  And the most amazing part of it is that it allows ME to reconnect with nature and find opportunities to share my knowledge with him.  Instead of walking along and not being able to see his little face in a stroller or a carrier, I can instead share the world with him, and that's the best part.

So, the next time you go for a walk, let your kid take control and see where you end up!!

There Are No Bad Babies (Or Children)

I've been hearing a statement a lot lately that has been driving me nuts: "Is he a good baby?"  I smile and hide my contempt at the idea by responding by asking what the person means.  Usually it is a question about how he sleeps or whether or not he's happy.  When my son is smiling, people usually tell me what a good baby he is.

So here's MY question.  What is a bad baby?  For that matter, what is a bad child?  Why do we do such a disservice to children by qualifying their actions as good or bad?  Young children don't have the moral ability to understand the difference between good and bad.  All they can do is understand the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior by interpreting an adult's reaction, and so their behavior is largely dependent upon the responses of their primary caregivers.  Their actions are neither good nor bad, they just are.  It's then up to the adults to help guide those behaviors.

Babies, on the other hand, are not even capable of differentiating between acceptable and unacceptable.  They simply follow their instincts; they just act (or not act).  In Montessori, we call this the unconscious absorbent mind, and the child's mind will continue in this state until about three years old.  During this stage, the mind is merely programmed to follow its own instincts, to almost absentmindedly explore the world and process whatever it it interacts with.  The child does not have the will to control these actions, nor the consciousness to direct them.  They are following whims.  And those whims are responsible for the child's amazing ability to learn.  They learn how to walk, talk, move, and categorize the world in the most fascinating way.  And this method is under no one's control.  The only person who has any control is the adult who controls the environment in which the child interacts.  And even then, they cannot truly control the way the child impulsively experiences it.  It is this quality of the infant human's mind that allows for the foundation of the amazing brains that make humans so unique as a species.

What's even more interesting (and frustrating) to me, is the idea that qualities of a child such as sleep or mood can be considered good or bad.  Sleep is a result of a child's biological needs and responses, as is mood.  Usually a child having a hard time with either one of these is a result of a biological need or medical concern.  It has nothing to do with the "goodness" of the child.

I agree that behaviors, impulses, and biological needs of a child can be more difficult than easy to deal with, but that response says more about the adult than the child really.  Nothing about raising a child is always easy or always difficult; every child is unique and has a combination of easy and difficult behaviors.  But, difficult is not bad.  And easy is not good.  I wish that we would take this words out of our vocabulary when we interact with children.  It is not fair for us to qualify who they are before they even had the chance to create that person.  It's unfair that from the very beginning we are judging children on a scale that has more to do with our own desires for less work and less changes in our own lives.  And it's unfair to a mother or father who are working so hard to help their child through any and all behaviors to make them think that there is something wrong with the child who needs extra help or attention.  Children are who they are.  And that is not a bad thing.  They might need extra help or a little more patience.  They might need medical intervention or a change in diet.  They might need a little more understanding or a little more attention.  A child who's having a hard time or giving a hard time is a child who just needs more assistance.

In my classroom, we write the word bad on pieces of paper and everyone gets one.  And then we rip it up and throw it in the trash.  We don't need the word bad, because children are not bad.  Every one of them is amazing and wonderful.  Sometimes they make choices that are unacceptable, or they have behaviors that are difficult.  But, that just means they need more help, more attention, or more love.  There are NO bad children.  So please, throw the word "bad" away.

Bed-Sharing: I'm Not On The Defensive Anymore

MY SON SLEEPS IN MY BED!

Yes, I said it. Loud and proud, I'm saying it. And, the truth is, I'm tired of feeling like I need to defend it. Why should my choice as a parent be seen as negative? What's wrong with bed-sharing (also known as co-sleeping)?!

Let me start by telling you what prompted this little (?) outburst of mine.  I was on a walk with my ten month old son and decided to take the circuit that goes past the school where I used to teach.  I wanted to visit my former coworkers and students.  So when we pulled up, we got plenty of excitement about how fast my son is growing and all sorts of questions.  Somehow it came up that my son sleeps with us. One of the responses: "oh, you better nip that in the bud!"

My instant emotional response was to become irate, but I blew past it.  And, I'm glad I did, because the two other teachers on the playground (NOT American by birth or culture, but from Eastern countries) had both bed-shared (one still does with her four year old).  Quickly the conversation turned to praise for the bond and security felt by children AND parents who bed share.

So, why, in America, is it so commonplace to think that bed sharing is not only terrible, but something you can openly critique about another parent's choices?  Why is my statement about bed sharing met with the same response as if I had announced that my son bites others (or something equally inappropriate)?  I don't really have the answer, but my guess is that it's related to certain Victorian attitudes about children that continue to be pervasive in our society (thanks for the idea, Mom!).  So let's put our fears and preconceptions aside and really think about bed sharing for a moment.

Bed sharing isn't anything new.  It was done in most parts of the world, including our own, up until the nineteenth century shift to the crib.  Today, despite it's negative perception in the US, it's a common place practice in most parts of the world (particularly Asia and Africa).  And studies have shown that it's often done in the US at some point (more often that not), it's just not talked about.  It's becoming more popular as more parents come out of the bed-sharing "closet."

Additionally, studies have found no I'll effects to children resulting from bed sharing.   It affects neither their intellectual development nor their behavior.  The studies have shown no difference between children who have shared sleep with parents and children who haven't in these areas.

Then, why is the American Academy of Pediatrics against bed-sharing under the age of one?  I think this decision on their part is a logical one when you considered that policy is usually made when considering the least responsible person.  You don't really want to advocate for something that could go horribly wrong when not done right.  Many parents use sleep aids, have high beds, or are overly sound sleepers.  Bed sharing can be unsafe in these conditions.  When facing that reality, the institution doesn't want to support something they can't guarantee all parents will do right.  Most pediatricians, however, will support it on a case by case basis.  Are you being safe?  Do you have preventative methods for keeping baby from falling out of bed?  Do you sleep lightly enough so that you don't roll on baby?  Do you refrain from sleep aids or substances that lower your cognition at night (like alcohol)?  These questions can determine whether safe bed-sharing is being practiced under age one.  Unless you can do it safely, you shouldn't do it at all.  But, if you are safe and conscious in your decision (there's a wealth of information on the Internet and on Dr. Sears' website on how to share a bed safely), the benefits can be great.

Before I say anything about bed sharing benefits, I want to make it clear that I'm not going from the anti-bedsharing stance to the opposite extreme; I'm not saying everyone should bed share.  I don't believe there are one-size fits all options for any aspect of parenting or living, for that matter.  It may not work for every parent or every child, and there is nothing wrong with that.  I think what matters for families is that parents do what works for both themselves and their child, and the options vary greatly.

I do believe that bed sharing is a positive option for all parents.  If it works for you, you shouldn't have to feel ashamed. You shouldn't have to feel like you are doing anything wrong.  Because, the truth is, there isn't anything wrong with it; you're not going to mess up your kids.  And you just maybe getting something wonderful out of it too.

So, what's so great about bed sharing?  For starters, it is an incredible time to bond with your child.  It can be especially beneficial if you work all day and your child is away from you; it can really extend the amount of time you have to be close to your child.  For me, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and it's wonderful to just watch my son sleep.  And when he reaches out for me to stroke my face and check that I'm there before falling back to sleep, I feel an overwhelming sense of love.   It's wonderful.

Bed sharing can also ease a parent's fears.  For me, I have a hard time with the idea of my son sleeping away from me at his age.  Especially when he was younger; the risk of SIDS was just too much for me to be comfortable with.  Even now, I sleep better just knowing he's safe.  There are arguments that bed sharing increases the risk for SIDS but I only think that can be related to unsafe bed sharing.  In fact, Dr. Sears actually hypothesizes (and research is being done to look into this) that SIDS risk is actually reduced by safe bed sharing.  His own studies, while not thorough enough to be considered conclusive, found that the babies he studied had more regular and safer breathing patterns when mom and baby slept together.

Bed sharing can mean healthy babies.  When mom and baby sleep together, breastfeeding is easier to do more frequently at night without anyone really having to wake much.  Babies who have this extra milk often thrive physically which affects them positively both emotionally and intellectually.   Additionally, if baby sleeps better in this manner, then baby sleeps more, and sleep is extremely beneficial to health.

Some children sleep better next to you.   This is ultimately the reason that my husband and I chose bed-sharing.  It was not the choice we originally intended (best laid plans, right?).  Some children sleep fine on their own from the start (maybe they fuss a few minutes but they fall asleep), and if yours does, you've probably never had to even consider this.  But our son does not sleep well on his own and he does not fuss gently but rather begins to scream and panic.  We started with him on his own but near us.   He did better when he was swaddled, but when that no longer worked for him, nothing was going to help him sleep.  He was waking up every 20-45 minutes.  I thought I was going to go insane.   Being adamantly against sleep training, I had no idea what to do and I was so upset every time he woke.  My husband finally told me to bring him in bed (which we knew worked from brief times I brought him in during the mornings), because we needed me to get some sleep.  It worked.  In the end, I know that I sleep better for it, and a lot of mothers have reported the same.

Many people might argue that a child needs to learn to sleep alone, and they need to do it early. Sleep trainers will advocate letting a child stress and cry themselves to sleep (and just so you know, this won't train every kid) just to make this point. But me, I think it's detrimental and fundamentally hypocritical. How many parents force their child to sleep alone and then return to their own beds where they sleep with a spouse?! We all become adults who seek that nighttime comfort from each other. So why should there be something wrong with a child who wants the same thing? Children are different, and if your child has the kind of temperament that requires this level of closeness, I don't think that's a negative. It may make him different. In our case, I love that my son is different. And I'd rather respect that than fight to make him like everyone else.

With all these great advantages, there are some disadvantages, although not always the ones people think.  I don't believe that it's a disadvantage to intimacy, because there are plenty of other rooms to be intimate in.  What I do think can be a disadvantage for some parents is that during that first year or so, your child needs YOU at night.  It's harder to just get a babysitter at night or leave your child for a week. So, it can depend on you and what you want as a parent.  For me, giving up the nightlife has been little of an issue; I'll get it back (sort of) one day.  And I'm not all that comfortable with leaving him yet anyway.  My husband and I have decided to make "date night" a long Sunday brunch at this restaurant we love, and that's all we really need!

So, in the end, I'm not ashamed that bed sharing was the route we ended up taking.  I remain a firm believer in "follow the child."  And it's clear, this is what my child needs.

I won't sit in the bed sharing closet; I'm out and I'm proud.  Who's with me?

Montessori and Attachment Parenting: Can They Co-Exist

As part of my consulting job for a Montessori school in the area, I run teacher training workshops in which we analyze school issues by looking at Dr. Montessori's written works and philosophically analyzing the topics.  As I did an Internet search relating Dr. Montessori and sleep, I came across an interesting blog post on MariaMontessori.com about Montessori philosophy and Attachment Parenting philosophy.  The blogger questioned if the two philosophies can co-exist.  Was Dr. Montessori's quest for a child's independence in conflict with Attachment Parenting's promotion of the parent-child bond?   As I contemplated her questions, I found myself thinking, no, I don't believe this conflict exists.  As a Montessori teacher and mother who very much follows much of AP's principles, I find that the two coexist quite nicely.

It's easy to see why someone would see a conflict arising, however.  Montessorians are tirelessly spouting the need for a child's independence.  Much of what Dr. Montessori wrote is about this very principle.  But, as often happens when people begin to interpret the good doctor, that independence lies within the context of a much greater philosophy and broader belief system about children.  I believe that if you were to boil down this very complex philosophy into a phrase, it would not be "independence."  It would be "follow the child."

Dr. Montessori's quest for the child's independence was not based on a belief that children should be made to do everything by themselves.  Instead, it was a very unique statement in a century when children were thought to be blank slates, having no knowledge or ability, and only by pouring knowledge into them might they learn anything.  The method of education at the time was to sit them at desks and have them learn everything from a teacher's lectures.  Sound familiar?  The upper class was often pampering their children by doing everything for them.  Children's behaviors were met with punishment and children were easily labeled good or bad. Again, sound familiar?

What she said was revolutionary, although it was built on the works of social and educational scientists before her (Itard, Piaget, Rousseau, etc.).  She challenged the traditional presumptions of children and said, instead, that children are innately born to learn.  Instead of trying to control them or force them through this process using the adult's desires, adults should guide them through their own process, following their own innate desires.  She found that what people saw as negative behaviors (disobedience) and positive behaviors (obedience) were not the true nature of the child.  Instead, the child simply wants to learn, explore, and build himself into someone.  She wrote "education is a natural process carried out by the child and is not acquired by listening to words but by experiences in the environment.”  It is that natural process and innate drive that is the gift of being a human and not just an animal.  It is when adults try to direct it that they muck it up.

Enter independence.  What Dr. Montessori said about independence is more of a statement about their capabilities.  She said "never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed."  Looking at her words, you can see the focus is on the child; how the child feels about his abilities.  Dr. Montessori was telling us to follow the child's lead.  If he wants to learn how to do something or shows an interest in something, let us help him get there.  Let us help him learn to do things so that he might find the joy in his success and his abilities.  Let us assist him when he cannot, all the while demonstrating how to do it, and back off when he can.  Let us let him TRY.

Going back to the bloggers question, I found that many of her questions arose because of the book Montessori From The Start.  This is not a book written by Dr. Montessori but instead by Paula Polk Lillard and Lynn Lillard Jessen.  This book is their interpretation of Montessori for the infant.  The reality is, Dr. Montessori did not write books about the infancy period and only makes occasional references to this age.  This age group was not in her schools because children at this age need to be with their mothers.  So, this book is a single interpretation for Montessori and not necessarily her own guidelines.   In my opinion, Lillard and Jessen do a great job talking about the floor bed and the way to set up a nursery, much of which I used when setting up a nursery and my son's floor bed. On the other hand, much of what else they wrote, I find is of their own opinion, and not necessarily the Montessori point of view.  It is these views which would confuse people trying to relate Montessori and Attachment Parenting.

For example, Lillard and Jessen suggest that children should sleep on their own in order to encourage independence, which is indeed in opposition with Attachment Parenting.  They say that we should begin helping children sleep through the night after two to three months.  Lillard and Jessen advocate controlling night time feedings, scheduling sleep, and bedtimes.  Again, direct contrast to AP.   Lillard and Jessen also come into contrast with Attachment Parenting is their discussion of and recommendations regarding weaning.   Lillard and Jessen suggest that a child should be fully weaned by nine months, transitioning to spoon feeding.   Their reasoning appears to be independence created by having the child be less dependent upon the mother.

AP would very much disagree with Lillard and Jessen, specifically with regard to sleep and weaning.  So would I, and I very much consider myself a Montessorian.  I know many Montessorians who put Lillard and Jessen's book down for the very same reasons.  And personally, I believe Dr. Montessori would as well.

The thing is, since Dr. Montessori never wrote in-depthly about just infants, and especially did not outline her beliefs about how infants should be raised, it is very hard to know exactly what she might have said when asked questions about sleep or weaning.  All we have is the words that Dr. Montessori did write and her general philosophy which we must interpret.  For, example, I believe Dr. Montessori was not against use of a crib for an infant, because she refers to it as beautiful in her chapter about sleep in The Secret of Childhood.  Her designation of sleep as an obstacle to growth was targeted at when children were forced to sleep and kept from moving about freely.  Her suggestion of the floor bed was for when the child was able to move on his own. What she was saying is that children should be able to choose to sleep or to not sleep; that is where independence comes into the scenario.

For this reason, I think that she would very much disagree with the belief that children at any age should be sleep trained or expected to be sleeping through the night by a certain age.  I think instead her argument would be to follow the child.  What the child needs is what we should be giving, which falls very much in line with Attachment Parenting.  Dr. Montessori talked about letting children do what they are capable of,  but I don't believe that she meant for us to decide what it is they are capable of.  We cannot decide when the child sleeps or when the child weans, but rather follow the child's cues in assisting the child with both.  For example, some children sleep fine on their own or for long periods, and these children should be allowed to do so.  But others, need additional help falling asleep or staying asleep, and these children should be helped accordingly.  I think the Montessori philosophy instead would encourage that we observe our children as they become more successful at doing these things on our own and step back our assistance as they gain skills.  This is congruent with AP bed-sharers who slowly help their child move out of the family bed by stepping them out slowly as the child becomes more able to sleep on his own.

When it comes to weaning, Lillard and Jessen's recommendations go against organizations like the American Pediatric Association (who recommends weaning after at least 12 months) and the World Health Organization (who recommends weaning after two years).  Being a medical doctor, I believe that Dr. Montessori would have been much more inclined to follow the medical guidelines and very much believe in the well-established health benefits that have been associated with long-term breastfeeding.  Again, this would be in line with Attachment Parenting.  When it comes to weaning, I would not be surprised if she fell more in line with Baby Led Weaning.  This philosophy not only follow's the child, but promotes independence, unlike Lillard and Jessen's suggestions for spoon feeding.

Lastly, Dr. Montessori believed that love was an essential part of helping the child develop.  Her belief in following the child asked that we use their cues as a road map for helping them find independence.  She believed that the child from birth to age three has an unconscious absorbent mind in which they instinctively lay the foundational skills they will need to become independent from the adult (talking, walking, learning to fall asleep).  But, not until they reach the conscious absorbent mind, age three to six, will they openly and consciously begin to develop this.  It is the child's natural ability to find independence, and Dr. Montessori's goal for adults was to not get in the way of this, but also not to force it either.  Instead, we should guide, love, and support their natural development of themselves.

I think that the ideas Montessori put forth, especially to love and follow the child, fall very much in line with Attachment Parenting.  One can easily raise a Montessori child while following Attachment Parenting principles.  Indeed, the two can coexist.

Making Tummy Time Easier

You'll hear it from doctors and you'll read it in every parenting and development book out there: tummy time is essential.  With children sleeping on their backs these days, they have fewer opportunities to develop the muscles necessary for crawling, sitting themselves up, and pulling up to stand.  So, tummy time is a way of helping them develop these muscles.   It also helps them develop the muscles for lifting the head and chest which allow a child to look around and observe his surroundings.  Additionally, any time off of their backs gives children the chance to develop proper head shape avoiding the flat head condition.

But, for so many of us, we put our little ones down on their tummies and we don't get smiles or gurgles, we get screams!  So what do we do when an essential developmental activity causes our children such frustration?!

After my little guy was born I began wondering about tummy time.  I found sources that told me that I should start right away, but when you place a three week old down on his tummy on a mat, it's not usually a pleasant experience.  So, we mostly let him spend time on his tummy directly on us, which he was fine with.  After a few months, we tried to place him on his tummy more often, but he still absolutely hated it.  After a minute he was in full distress.  So we did it in small periods of time never letting him get too upset.  If a minute was all he could take, a minute was all he would do.  Over time and with some tricks, he began to build his way up to longer stretches of time, maybe five minutes or, occasionally, even ten minutes.  As his skills increased, the amount of time he could last would increase.

Here are a few ideas I have discovered and read that make tummy time a little easier and a little more fun:

Explore different places.  Some babies like the bed, some babies like the floor, and others like carpet.  Move your child around and see where he likes it best.

Lay baby on his tummy on the edge of the bed and get eye level with him.  This is assuming your little one is not beginning to crawl in any fashion yet.  This is a great way to excite baby, and much easier to do than laying on the floor (although that's a great idea too).  You can even hide and pop up if he likes peek-a-boo activities.  You can also sing or dance or do any kind of performance you know he loves.

Lay baby on your chest or on the lower part of your legs in "airplane" position.  Tummy time doesn't have to be on the floor.  You can easily place your child on your body and let his motivation for lifting his head be to stare at your face.  Making faces can be all the more encouraging.

Lay baby on a sheet on the floor and pull him around the room.  Some babies love movement, so an activity like this can keep babies so entertained they are willing to stay in tummy position longer.  However, if your child hates this, do not push it and move onto something else.

Toys can be motivation.  My son loves this hand drum we purchased.  It has a parrot on it that he loves to stare at.  When I put him in tummy time and began playing the drum he would lift his head to stare at it and last much longer than he had before.  I could also move the drum so that he would have to move his head, helping strengthen his neck muscles and help him practice moving in order to see and object.  It also encouraged tracking (following a moving object with the eyes).

Brevity is fine, don't push it.  Don't listen to how long people say your child should stay on his tummy for.  Instead, focus on how long he can stay.  Some sessions will be long and some will be short.  And that's fine.  If it's a short period of time, take a long break and try again later.

Peak your child's interest.  As baby gets older and begins sitting or exploring crawling, find those things that he absolutely loves and place them just out of range while he's on his tummy.  The desire to reach these items can encourage him to stay down longer and try harder.  For my son, it's the dog.  The first scooting he ever did was to get his hands on the dogs.  Oh, and the computer.  I always tell him, if you can reach it, you can play with it!

So, when it comes to tummy time, the key is to relax and go with the flow.  Yes, it's necessary for development, but it doesn't need to be a battle.  And as baby grows and gains in skill, he will grow in confidence as well.  Work with baby and help him with encouragement and love.  And don't worry what anyone says you should do.

Starting Solids...

It's time for food!  Ever since I became pregnant, I have been reading about what is referred to as Baby-Led Weaning. It seems to fit in with my philosophy, following the child's own pace and letting him introduce himself to food.  It is also an extremely economical and time saving idea.  No purchasing baby food and no hassle making it.  I have been all ready to do things differently.  In the end, I ended up pulling from multiple sources to decide how my son should start eating, but this was definitely the right place for me to start.

First things first, we had to decide when to start solid foods.   After all the research I've been doing, six months seems like the earliest choice.  Babies digestive processes just aren't ready to handle food until this point as their stomachs are designed to process breast milk quickly and effectively.  The stomach lining pulls proteins directly into the blood stream without having to break it down, which is great for breast milk but not good for solid food proteins which need to be broken down.  At the same time, baby's gag reflex is at the front of the mouth so that he only ingests liquid foods.  This is why people have to puree everything and spoon feed before this time, they have to override his natural gag reflex.  Baby's body is telling us what he needs and we don't need to override it.  At six months, this gag reflex moves further back and the stomach begins to break foods down.  This is the earliest starting point.

Now, just because baby is six months old, doesn't necessarily mean he's immediately ready for food, so if your child isn't interested, that's ok.  You just wait until he is.  My little guy showed interest almost immediately, but at as he gets older, I can see it increasing.  When they start grabbing for food on your plate or watching you eat and mimicking your chewing, you know they are ready.  And even if they just play with it and don't put it in their mouths yet, that's okay too.  It's all about exploration.

For us, knowing when to start wasn't the hard part, although you do have to have all the conversations with all of the people who wonder why you haven't started solids yet (when they do, I just tell them what the research says).  The hard part has been trying to figure out WHAT to start.  This one seems less easy to decide.  According to the baby led weaning book, you can start with most foods that are easy for your child to gum.  By cutting the food in long spears so that your child can grasp it while still having some stick out to eat, your child can begin to explore the food.  Baby led weaning strongly advises against any spoon feeding.

Another book I picked up, Super Baby Food, has a very specific regimen for which foods to feed when. I picked this up because I was starting to learn about how an infant's digestive system is still developing, and they only have certain enzymes at certain points in this development.  If the food needs a certain digestive enzyme that baby has not developed, then you may end up taxing the infant's system.  At first I was frustrated by Super Baby Food because it did not mention the actual science, so I tried to do the research on my own.  Let me tell you, it is extensive.  This book has already done the research on when a baby's system is ready for certain foods, so I have chose to follow that (although not strictly).

Now, the book I just mentioned, also has a lot of suggestions for making baby food and how much baby should eat and when.  I've decided to ignore that part and stick with the baby led weaning for that.  My little guy's main food source is still breast milk and food is merely exploration at this point (he's seven months now).  When he's hungry, I feed him by breast, and make sure food exploration does not occur at times of hunger (so he doesn't wean to early and also so he isn't fussy).  I am not strict about not spoon feeding...I let him eat foods I've mushed off a spoon (such as banana, avocado, and squash).  But, he has complete control on whether or not he eats and how much.  I just hold the spoon up and his head does the rest.  Otherwise I give him whole foods to gnaw on so he can begin learning how to take a bite, how to swallow it, and how big to make it.

No one ever told me how scary this would get.  The truth is, I'm glad we are following the baby led weaning, because his gag reflex is still far enough to the front of his mouth to keep him from choking.  If I weren't letting him explore that now and only feeding him purees, then when he did get to larger bites of food, his gag reflex would be further back and he would be more in danger of choking.  But I'll tell you, his gagging isn't any less scary.  Actually, part of why I put spoon feeding into the mix is so that he has some opportunities to just focus on learning to swallow food.  Sometimes when he gags on something, he ends up spitting it out and then refusing to eat anymore because he didn't like gagging (which I must say is relieving to me because, when he gags, I just feeling like throwing all the food away and telling him he can breastfeed until he's 20!).  In those instances he doesn't get swallowing practice, so I think the spoon feeding mixed in helps him cover all the bases.

There's a lot of vigilance involved.  I make sure I watch as he eats, which is easy since he's either in a high chair right up at the dinner table (no trays) or in my lap (it's important infants stay upright when they eat).  I make sure I see how big his bite is, just in case.  I also make sure to check his mouth after he's done and make sure no food is left over or he might choke later.  Beyond that, I just have to remember that all of us learned to eat somehow...it's a natural process and he will be okay.  And then I appreciate that I know the Heimlich Maneuver for infants.

So far, I haven't worried about allergies.  My pediatrician said that there's no real evidence that delaying foods delays allergies, so instead, I look for an inflammatory response.  From what I understand, if he gets mucus or sinus stuff, that implies that he's having an adverse reaction.  So I stay vigilant there too.  I haven't been feeding foods one thing at a time either...I just figure that if I ever see a response, I'll work backwards.  I have been avoiding salted and sugared foods as I know that babies don't process either well.

So far, that's been our exploration into food.  We've tried banana, avocado, squash, plain yogurt, cucumber, broccoli (although, I need to hold off on that again now that I've learned about digestive enzymes), and crackers.  It's slow going, but I'm hoping that by letting my son explore a wide-array of taste and real foods, we'll be on the start to a healthy and well-rounded appreciation for food.

The Only Parenting Book I Didn't Want to Throw In the Trash

I bought many parenting books when I was pregnant. I read them and took them to heart.

And then, I had a baby.

Between my instincts and my experience with children, as well as my knowledge about child development, I went from listening to ignoring. The ideas sounded like they could work for some...just not on my high-needs child. Methods I found in many books just didn't work for me or him.

Now, I have found many medical/holistic books helpful. Books that tell you about how to deal with colds or rashes, etc. have been a great reference for me. All of Dr. Sears' books have been helpful, particularly The Baby Bookand The Sleep Book. These books are both medical and developmental. Additionally, Natural Baby and Childcareby Dr. Lauren Feder has been extremely helpful for non-western medicine options. I think these books are great for new parents. With all my knowledge about development, I'm still not a doctor nor do I know about infants extensively, and there are always questions surfacing.

It was all the other books that drove me nuts. Any books that referenced sleep training became particularly annoying. Any questions about sleep that I have, I end up referencing Dr. Sears' books. I'm far more comfortable with the attachment parenting perspective on sleep when it comes to my child. I felt like a lot of the books I was reading assumed how children are all the same or should be. Hardly any books (outside of Dr. Sears' books) even seem to take into account that each child is different. If parenting is about following the child, and I do believe it is, then we need parenting books that teach us how to make observations and find solutions based on our child's own needs. Information about development and how it relates to your child is the most helpful, coupled with ideas on how to work with your child. Parenting books that make grand generalizations or put parenting into the perspective that there's only one way to do things only make many of us feel confused or shamed that we are doing the wrong thing even though our instincts say otherwise. My biggest issue with so many of these books is that they want to baby train. The problem with baby training, in my opinion, is that not only does it fail to be sensitive to a child's developmental needs but it also fails to teach parents how to parent. The best way to work with a child is to observe his needs, interests, and emotions, and help him achieve safety, independence, and confidence within that framework. I feel that baby training fails to do this and instead steals confidence from our children by forcing rather than assisting.

Enter the only book I didn't throw in the trash: What Babies Say Before They Can Talk. This book discusses the nine researched infant emotional signals. These nine signals (interest, enjoyment, surprise, distress, fear, disgust, dissmell, shame, and anger) are they framework for reading and understanding your child. The great thing about this book is that it does more than show you how to observe these emotional experiences in your child; it also shows you how to make parenting decisions based on what you see. It's a parenting arsenal in that it gives you tools rather than tells you one way of handling something. In terms of following the child, it's somewhat of a legend to your child's map.

As a Montessorian, I am trained to make observations of children and then formulate ways of working with them from my observations. Reading this book, I saw that the authors made a lot of suggestions I myself would make and so I knew they were coming at this from the same perspective I am. Still, they were able to teach me so much more. Once you understand and can observe the nine signals, they show you how to validate your child's emotions and react to them. The verbal validation is really striking and it has really helped me understand how to soothe or redirect my child patiently while still accepting his emotional experience. Validating a child's emotions is crucial to helping them learn to trust themselves and their decisions.

I highly recommend this book, and it's the first book I ever recommend to anyone who asks. If you ever wanted support in understanding your child, it can definitely give it to you. And what I like is that is factual, not judgmental.

Anyone else know of a great book helping you follow your child?

Following the Child: A High-Needs Baby's First Month

When I decided I was ready to be a parent, I consciously came to the conclusion that I was ready for my life to no longer be all about me.  Not purposefully did I have this thought, but more it just became an overwhelming notion.  I remember being glad that I had come to this emotional place and feeling that it would inevitably prepare me for what was to come.  I remember feeling ready.  How can any of us truly give ourselves over to parenting if we are not ready to give of ourselves?

In retrospect, I laugh at the idea that I thought I could ever be prepared.  Don’t get me wrong; the sentiment that I was ready to give of myself turned out to be crucial this past month.  However, it really was just the tip of a quite immense iceberg.  Being a mother for four weeks now, I have learned the true meaning of selflessness.  I have yet to realize if it is the nature of just my son, or all newborns, but this has taken the concept of a twenty-four hour job to a whole new level.

My son is a very needy infant.  When I say this, some people say that all infants are this needy and others say that their children were much easier.  I don’t know if the latter group fall into some motherhood category of forgetting the first three months or if the former group refuse to believe that others had it so easy.  Either way, this post is for any parent who falls into that former category: the high-needs infant. 

A phrase used by Dr. Sears, a high-needs infant is categorized by a number of characteristics.  I’m sure many of these characteristics also fit the “colicky” child.  You can easily go to Dr. Sears’ website and learn more about his definition of a high-needs infant.  But, let’s talk about mine. 

My son will not and shall not be put down when he is sleeping.  Considering that infants sleep 18-20 hours a day, you can imagine the implications.  At the moment, he does have about fifteen minutes of awake time in the morning where he will sit calmly in his little chair and I can shower (when and for how long can be unpredictable).  There are other times throughout the day where he is content to lay somewhere and look around.  Maybe it lasts ten minutes, maybe it lasts five.  Recently, he spent 15 minutes staring at the mirror and mobile in his room.  Outside of that, he’s fussing (I’ve officially nicknamed him Fuss Face).  He wants to be held.  But more than that, he wants to be in motion.  Considering how big he is getting, my back is really starting to hurt.  He also likes to eat, a lot.  And, that’s fine by me because he is growing very big!  The challenge arises when he can’t decide if he wants to be awake, to eat, or to sleep.    

Now, that being said, there is nothing about this that makes my son abnormal.  Truth is, from stories I have heard, it could be harder.  In reality, he was in the womb for the past nine months, and this big, quiet, and still world does not make any sense to him.  What makes sense to him is to be constantly rocked, curled up in his nice noisy womb.  So, that’s my job; transitioning him from womb to world in the most comfortable and secure way possible.  My goal is that by appropriately supporting and responding to his lack of independence right now, I will create a child secure enough to become an independent toddler (and, ultimately, adult) later.

And so, we have come to the true reality of “follow the child.”  In a world of sleep trainers and opinionated parents, sometimes following the needs of your child looks like “spoiling.”  Others can’t imagine how anyone could possibly spend 24 hours only attending to their child, and the “cry it out” crowd is screaming for you to just put that baby down and reclaim your life.  And then there is the never-ending barrage of “what I did.”  Now, I don’t discard the What-I-Dids.  Often their methods have been helpful in thinking up ways to work with my son.  I just have to remember that some of it won’t work and adapt to what it is my son needs.

Here’s what I have learned following my child:

Never let anyone tell you that responding to your newborn’s needs immediately and every time is bad, no matter what they are.  Developmentally, newborns are not capable of connecting that their cries make you do certain things.  They cannot manipulate you in those first three months.  Instead, your immediate and comforting response to your child will help him or her trust you.  This is necessary to create independent and confident children.

Breastfeed whenever.  When your infant is upset, offer the breast.  Only if refused should you try something else.  You don’t need a schedule if they are eating at least 8 times a day.  The better fed they are, the better they grow!  It’s your infant that knows when he’s hungry, not you!  (Bottle fed babies should follow their pediatrician’s advice as the bottle does not work the way the breast does).

Consider your diet.  Not all children are the same, but I’ve noticed that my fussy one has a lot of trouble with gas.  He seems to be fussy even in his sleep.  I decided to take out dairy, chocolate, peanut, and soy for a couple weeks (it takes two weeks for dairy to leave your system).  We’ll see if the experiment works soon.  It can’t hurt.  Dairy, especially, is hard for new systems to digest. 

Find the sleeping arrangements that work best for your family and not based on what others say.  When my husband and I bought things during the pregnancy, we decided on a bassinet for the bedroom.  I wasn’t ready to walk into my son’s nursery every time he woke in the night, and so I thought this would be the best of both worlds: he’d have his own bed and he’d be close to me.  But, like I said before, my son does not like to be away from me.  And, it turns out, I need to be close to him.  Not being able to hear him breathe all the way in his bassinet drove me crazy.  Also, having to get out of bed every time I breastfed to put him down and then get up again to calm him was exhausting.  In the end, I wanted to go the co-sleeping route.  This was a hard choice on my husband, since he has real fears of our child sleeping with us until he is a toddler (as do I).  I ended up purchasing a Snuggle Nest, which is like a small bed that fits within our bed.  It still feels to him like his own bed (so hopefully we can make the transfer more easily when the time comes), but he’s close enough to me that life is much easier.  I tried co-sleeping with him in the actual bed, but I never ended up getting any sleep.  In the end, I had to find the sleeping arrangement that worked best for all of us, regardless of anyone’s opinion.  Experimenting with different sleeping arrangements can help you figure this out.

Be willing to adapt your plan.  We all go into parenting with some vision of how it’s going to be.  Most of us have never spent twenty-four hours a day with a newborn and don’t have a realistic picture.  Anyone that has been around a newborn for extended time can formulate ideas about what they are going to do, but in reality, they haven’t met their child and have no idea what that child’s needs are or what their real needs will be as parents.  The truth is, you can go in with a plan and ideas on what you do or do not want to do.  But as you get to know your child, you have to be willing to adapt to what his needs are, even if that means breaking your plan.  You have to be flexible and humble.  You may have said you would never do something and find out, hey, you need to.  I have run into this situation a thousand times…with pacifiers, car seat travel systems, and co-sleeping.  The question you have to ask yourself is: is my decision in my best interests or my child’s?  If the answer is the latter, you can’t go wrong.

Be willing to lay low for a while.  You don’t have to be out and about all the time.  Your child still needs a womb like atmosphere and camping out in the house is not the worst thing in the world.  If your child is like mine and needs to be held, then hold him.  My son has yet to like a single babywearing device yet.  For now, a daily walk in the stroller and laying in his co-sleeper while swaddled at nigh are the only times he’s out of someone’s arms.  So I watch a movie, read a book, or write (one-handed that is!).

Breathe.  Babies can sense frustration.  The calmer you are, the calmer they will be.  Take a deep breath and find a peaceful place.  I know it’s hard when they are screaming; but, just remember that they are only trying to communicate and it’s okay if you don’t always have the answer right away. 

Read The Happiest Baby On the Block.  Better yet, buy the DVD.  Dr. Harvey Karp talks about how to recreate the womb experience for your child.  Once you learn his techniques and what works for your child…You’ll thank me!! 

And finally, when in doubt…work out those burps!!

Difficult Birth: Even Trauma Has A Silver Lining

I have written about positive birth stories and called upon women to share theirs with positivity.  I have asked that we stop the fear with our abilities to empower the women around us to have confidence in their bodies and their strength.  My birth story is not a pretty one.  It ended up nothing like I had hoped.  But I want to begin by saying that my story is rare, and while it was everything most of us worry will happen, it is also very unlikely to happen to most women.  Instead, it is proof that any woman has the strength to endure anything and that the only thing that matters is that your little one end up in your arms and you know you made all the right decisions to put him there safely.  Labor can be hard, but it is nothing to fear.

Before I begin, I must tell you my Birth Plan.  I went in visualizing what I wanted and hoping I would get it.  I wanted a completely natural birth; I didn't even want drugs mentioned.  I was going to use hypnobirthing and find a state of ultimate relaxation to work through the labor and "breathe down" my baby.  I wanted the lights dim and the environment quiet when my baby came into the world.  I wanted my baby placed on my chest immediately afterwards with a delayed cord clamping and delayed medical attention until we had bonded.  I wanted to breastfeed immediately.  I wanted the least amount of intervention possible despite being in a hospital.  I was very clear in my mind exactly what I wanted and certain I would get it.  The best laid plans, right?

My birth story begins around 10:00 a.m. on a Sunday morning.  I began to feel "pressure" in my uterine area, very much what it feels like when you begin menstruating.  At this point, never having been through this before, I really had no idea what to expect and it was difficult to tell if I was having the same gastrointestinal distress I had been having for the last month of my pregnancy.  But then it went away and came back, went away and came back, and soon, I was wondering if I might be experiencing the uterine surges we all know as contractions.  After a couple hours I was sure they were contractions, but I wasn't sure if it was practice labor or the real thing.  The only thing I knew was to wait to call my midwife until they were five minutes apart and one minute long for an hour.  So we waited.  We went for a walk.  We got excited but then tried not to get too excited.  By late afternoon, they were predominantly five minutes apart so we called the midwife.

Per usual with a first labor, things progress slowly and my midwife didn't feel like anything I was saying was kicking me into active labor.  She told me to stop walking and go relax; see if they go away.  She told me that I should call her again if they got to two or three minutes apart.  I got into the bath, had my first real glass of wine in nine months, and tried to relax.  Things subsided a bit and moved to seven or eight minutes apart.  I figured this wasn't it and crawled into bed trying to get some sleep.  I fell asleep maybe three times for 20 minutes each.  By 3 am, the contractions were two to four minutes apart.  We called my midwife.  The thing about labor, however, is that it should be more patterned.  I should be going from four minutes down to three, then down to two, and so forth.  The fluctuation between two and four did not indicate active labor.  My midwife felt that this pattern meant we were still in a pre-labor phase and she knew I wanted to labor at home.  She suggested we could go to the hospital and get checked, but that she didn't think I was there yet.  So we waited another five hours.  Still having contractions so close together, we decided to go get checked.  The car ride intensified the contractions and my hypnobirthing came in handy at these moments as my husband reminded me to relax and breathe.  At the hospital, we got our answer...2 centimeters dilated and 60% effaced.  Back home we went.

Before arriving home, we decided to stop by my chiropractor who I had called that morning.  We went straight from the hospital and she gave me and adjustment.  I was hoping that this would speed things up or slow them down.  After checking me she thought my son was in a great position and that we'd probably see a baby by the end of the day!  Excited, we headed home.  My sister arrived to give me amazing massages and take care of me for a while and we settled in.  I went to the bathroom an hour later and my mucous plug had dropped...my first sign of fluid change meant things were moving along!  We called the midwife again midday, but the time intervals between contractions were still fluctuating.  My midwife prescribed me an Ambien.  She felt some sleep would either get things moving or stop them, and at this point, these contractions needed to put up or shut up.  With my sister rubbing my head, I fell asleep.  An hour later, I was up again.  No change.

In and out of the bathtub I went, trying to relax, trying to make it through.  It was 4 am when we returned to the hospital.  I was now 2 centimeters dilated and 80% effaced.  I felt like I was going nowhere and I was exhausted.  But I still wanted to labor at home and avoid the "clock" of the hospital.  Back home we went, and I was beginning to feel defeated.  Not afraid, but exhausted.  Things didn't slow down or speed up.  By 9 am (and nearly 48 hours in), I looked at my husband and told him we had to go to the hospital for good this time.  I now needed a clock.  I didn't think I even had another 24 hours in me.

At the hospital, I was 5 centimeters dilated.  Progress!  Things were looking up and they put monitors on me (not something I had wanted for more than 20 minutes, but we were over 48 hours in and both my son and I needed continuous monitoring).  Into the laboring tub I went.  I was trying to hold my hypnobirthing state of relaxation and began riding the contractions.  I was doing well and things felt great in the water.  Two hours later, my midwife checked me again.  6 centimeters.

Now, at this point in active labor, you should be progressing a centimeter an hour.  Normally, a centimeter in two hours isn't bad and would probably indicate a long active labor.  However, I was now over fifty hours in and exhausting fast and my water still hadn't "broken."  My midwife felt that an even longer active labor would mean I'd have no ability to make the final push.  She asked to rupture my membranes ("break my water") to move things along.  This was the first intervention I succumbed to.  I knew she was right.  My body didn't have the energy to make it much longer.  She ruptured my membranes.

When I saw the explosion of brown and the disgust on my midwife's face (meconium tainted membranes are vile), I knew I was in trouble again.  My little guy had defecated in his amniotic fluid, meaning he had experienced some form of stress.  It also meant that he had to go straight to the nurse's station in the corner of the room to be checked immediately.  If he aspirated meconium, he'd be in trouble.  No straight to breast, no delayed cord clamping.  I succumbed to another necessary medical intervention in the best interests of my son.  Back into the tub I went.

Contractions began to rock my body.  Hypnobirthing became impossible for me at this point.  To properly hypnobirth you need to enter into a state of mental relaxation.  In this state, it really is easier to let your body do what it needs to do and breathe through the experience, minimizing any discomfort.  However, when you are exhausted, it's almost impossible to achieve any mental state.  I was at the mercy of my exhaustion.  It took my husband, my sister, my mother, and my stepmother to all help me breathe through it by allowing me to concentrate on their eyes and follow their example breaths.  I wouldn't have made it without them.

I think it would be valuable to try and explain what a contraction feels like to those of you who may not know.  A lot of people will tell you it's pain, but I disagree.  Pain is a feeling your body gives you when there is something wrong.  Giving birth to a baby is not an unnatural thing.  Your body is working, but most of the time, there is nothing wrong.  The best way I could explain a contraction would be like explaining the experience of vomiting.  It's something you can do and it's something that is not necessarily painful.  It is just very uncomfortable.  Most of the time if you just make it through the vomiting, you reach the end result of feeling better and all is well.  Essentially, that's all a contraction is.  Let your body do what it needs, relax, and let it achieve its necessary outcome.   I, personally, can vomit like a champ.

Now...that's a normal contraction.  I, on the other hand, was full on into back labor.  Back labor is when the contractions are felt stronger in your back than your uterus, and this is accompanied by pain (sort of -- consider it violent vomiting)...because something IS wrong.  It means the baby is not getting into the right position.  The only thing that helped was my sister's exceptional lower back massaging through the contractions.  For the past 5 months, I had been doing Optimal Fetal Positioning and had kept my baby in the perfect position the past three months, and now, he was posterior (his back was towards my insides not my outsides).  The nurse and my midwife got me out of the tub and checked me gain.  Two hours and I was now 7 centimeters.  Progress again.  They laid me over the back of the back of the bed with hopes of helping move the baby in the right position and, again, my family helped me breathe through it.

An hour later they checked me.  I was still 7 centimeters.  I had gone nowhere and contractions were rocking my body so hard that I can only explain the experience as the emotional and physical equivalent of dry-heaving continuously.  A whole lot of physical output only to go nowhere.  At this point, I'll be honest.  For the past two hours I had been thinking "this is why women have epidurals."  However, I kept going; I could do this, I could endure this for the right outcome.  When I saw that all this work I was doing was getting us nowhere I began to feel a little helpless.  I could do this if it was getting us somewhere, but I was exhausted and the idea of no end in sight was starting to wear on me.

When my midwife said "Pitocin" and "epidural," I experienced a feeling of relief.  My amazing husband, who (it would later turn out) was pro-drug the whole time but wanted to be fully supportive of whatever I wanted, tried to support my original plan.  "Are there any other options?" he asked half-heartedly.  "No, hon," I said. "There aren't."  I was done.  And the moment I decided I was done, I just wanted it all to stop.  This is the moment, my friends, where women who have no medical intervention give up and eventually die.  However, none of us ever have to worry about that.

They told me the epidural would take 15-20 minutes to kick in, and I remember thinking I just couldn't do anymore.  Not only that, but I had to sit perfectly still while they put it in and I was still having contractions rock my body.  Then all the scare stories of pain from putting in the epidural ran through my head.  But I just wanted to the contractions to end; I just wanted to rest for a minute.  So they placed my husband in front of me and had him hold my hands.  I stared into his eyes and he breathed me through two contractions.  By that time, the epidural was over and I hadn't moved a muscle.  I can tell you now, an epidural does not hurt.  It is not much different than getting an heparin lock placed in your hand for an IV.  Actually, I think that hurts more because the tubing is larger.

My midwife reminded me that it would take 15 minutes and I looked pleadingly at her.  I told her that I didn't know if I could do it.  She asked me if I felt that last contraction.  I didn't.  She asked me if I felt the next one.  I didn't.  She smiled and I felt relief carry over my entire body.  I am not a religious person, but this moment felt like a gift from God.  I am not a fan of unnecessary medical intervention, but in this moment, when I knew I was one of those statistics for whom it was completely necessary, I was grateful for western medicine.

The next two hours went fast.  I rested trying to get my strength up for the birth.  They turned me on my side to get the baby to rotate and get into the right position to move down the birth canal.  Two hours later they checked and I was 100% effaced and 9.5 cm dilated.  An hour after that, I was 9.5 cm dilated.  My midwife looked stressed.  She knew where things were headed and she didn't want it any more than I did.  She looked at me and said we needed to start talking caesarian.  I pleaded for her to give me another hour...it was half a centimeter!  She gave me her honest opinion.  Another hour was not going to get us closer, my uterus (which had been working for over 55 hours, regardless of whether I could feel it now) did not have the strength to push as was evidenced by its inability to fully open even with Pitocin.  I asked her again for one more hour and she said she would put a device in my uterus to measure whether or not the contractions were even strong enough and we'd see.  In the end though, she couldn't get it in.  My son was in the wrong position and wedging up against my pelvic bone.  My midwife knew that if we tried to do this vaginally, either he or I, or both, would have to be rescued.  In the end, it was the only choice we had.  Left alone while they got everything together to wheel us into surgery, my husband and I cried.  But now, all that mattered was my son, and it was all we could do for him.  I was officially a "failure to progress."

Surgery was easy.  It was fast, beautifully handled, and neither my son and I were in trouble during the procedure.  As they wheeled me into surgery and got prepped, I had worried so much that maybe something was wrong with him and that's how we got here.  My husband squeezed my hand as the surgery progressed.  And then, he was out, and he was screaming.  Fifty-nine hours of labor and I had a son.  They took him over to the nurse's station and my husband ran over.  I couldn't see him past a pole in my way and I remember feeling frustrated and sad.  But he was fine; ten fingers, ten toes, screaming lungs.  His APGAR ended up being an 8/9.  He was near perfect.  They brought him close so I could see him and he was so beautiful.  They wheeled him out of the room and my husband followed, grinning like a new father should.  He looked back at me and promised "I won't leave his side."  I was crying then...because I was a mother, and because I couldn't touch my son.

I laid in recovery and all I wanted was my son.  It was not long after that he was brought to me.  While babies are not often brought back to recovery, my midwife knew that I needed this.  Within an hour, he was placed in my arms and we were breastfeeding.  He latched perfectly and fed for a half hour.  The nurse was amazed.

My birth plan had fallen apart.  Everything had gone wrong in my mind.  There was nothing wrong with him, but with me, as I endured the diagnosis of two small a pelvis.  My poor son just couldn't figure out how to exit the womb.  But at the end of it all, it was that first moment we had together that mattered.  And it was all the moments that came before my labor, and all the moments that would come after.  That's the silver lining.  It's not just that you have an amazing child, which you do and that is a miracle in itself; it's that you still did everything you could to do the best for him.  At first, before I processed what I had been through, I was afraid that this birth had undone all that I had worked for to bring my son into the world in the best way I thought possible.  But nothing can undo any amount of love you give your child.  All that preparation for the perfect birth plan left me calm and fearless as I went into labor, and it kept me calm and fearless throughout all I endured.  Hypnobirthing gave me confidence, eating well and staying healthy kept my body and his strong, and focusing on any kind of plan made me bond with him and prepare for the experience.  He felt all of that.  And from the moment he was on my chest, the world was right again.  He felt all the love that I put into my pregnancy and, despite those brief moments of stress trying to get out, he would feel nothing but that love from that point forward.  And now I know one thing, I can and will be the greatest pillar of strength to give him whatever he needs.

I also learned a lesson.  The first lesson of my parenting experience.  A lesson I knew intellectually, didn't truly comprehend the magnitude of.  Children create themselves from the very beginning.  You have to be ready to adapt and change with them, and plans can only go so far.  Our birth experience was essentially that; I had to adapt to his needs, no matter what.  In the end, it's always about what's best for him, and only he can tell me what that is.