You've heard someone say it. You know someone who has said it. You've probably said it yourself. I know, once upon a time, I did.
You need to say you're sorry.
Those words are constantly being spouted to young children by every adult around them. No matter what unacceptable move they make, they are told to say that they are sorry. They are told this from the moment they can form the word and long before they will ever be able to understand it. They are told to say it long before they are capable of meaning it. So, what is it that we claim we are teaching children when we force them to say it?
I've heard many answers for this. Most people seem to believe that it's a form of politeness; like please and thank you, it needs to be practiced. There seems to be a generally held belief that the way we teach the concept of sorry is through forcing the words and somehow we inevitably believe the concept will follow. I want to go on record here. I think this is complete nonsense.
Let's look at the word. To feel sorry means to feel regret, sympathy, pity, compunction (remorse for wrongdoing), or grieved. Now, look at those five words. Do any of us honestly believe that the young child is capable of understanding any of those words? So, how can we possibly believe that they can understand the concept of sorry? And, so, why do we keep making them say it???
You may ask at this point, what is the harm in their saying it? How else do we teach them to say sorry when they have done something unacceptable or hurtful? My answer is another question: what are we teaching them by making them say it? We are teaching them that the single utterance of a word undoes anything that they could have done. All we are telling them is that when you hurt someone or break a rule, you simply utter a word and it all goes away. All we are saying is that you do not have to right a wrong, you just have to say a word.
Using a word like sorry before you can mean it does not mean that you learn to mean it. You do not learn to empathize by continuously saying a word empty of meaning and having everything be okay. In fact, since children are not born with empathy, we are doing them a huge disservice. In the moment that we have the opportunity to teach them about the concept of empathy and remorse, we instead choose to give them a word that makes everything go away with no effort on their part. We are giving them a Get Out Of Jail Free card. And they aren't learning anything.
Instead of telling a child to say sorry, we should be focusing on showing him what has happened and that it is his responsibility to make amends. Saying sorry is not how we do that. Understanding that someone is now hurt and doing something to make them feel better is how we do that. If I punch someone and tell him sorry, does it take away his pain? No, it makes no difference whether or not I utter the word, unless I am truly expressing remorse. And I promise you, the person I punched is going to expect a lot more from me in order to express that.
It is our job to teach our children empathy, and if we do not do it consciously, we can easily end up with adults who lack empathy. I know everyone out there has met one of those adults and it is never a good thing. So don't brush away the lesson by teaching them to parrot a word. Instead, help them through the process. Ask them to look at what they have done and assess how the other person is feeling. Ask them how they feel about what they have done and how the other person is feeling. Explain to your child that now that he has hurt someone (you or anyone else), it is his responsibility to make that person feel better. Ask him what he thinks he might do to make the person feel better or direct him to ask the person what would make him feel better. Then explain to your child that he must follow through with that. It could be getting the person a glass of water, giving the person a hug, telling the person you will not do it again. These actions are what teach us to be aware of another person's feelings and how we learn to make real reparations for our wrong doings. This is how we learn empathy.
And how will your child learn the word "sorry?" Not by his own usage, but by yours. If we want our children to learn what sorry means and ultimately use the terminology, then we need to use it when we mean it. We need to make our own reparations (to them and to others) and they will learn to follow suit. It's just like please and thank you. You want them to use it, then use it yourself. You don't have to make them say "sorry," they'll figure out when it's used and what it's used for. What you have to do is teach them how to feel sorry.
No comments:
Post a Comment