I've been hearing a statement a lot lately that has been driving me nuts: "Is he a good baby?" I smile and hide my contempt at the idea by responding by asking what the person means. Usually it is a question about how he sleeps or whether or not he's happy. When my son is smiling, people usually tell me what a good baby he is.
So here's MY question. What is a bad baby? For that matter, what is a bad child? Why do we do such a disservice to children by qualifying their actions as good or bad? Young children don't have the moral ability to understand the difference between good and bad. All they can do is understand the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior by interpreting an adult's reaction, and so their behavior is largely dependent upon the responses of their primary caregivers. Their actions are neither good nor bad, they just are. It's then up to the adults to help guide those behaviors.
Babies, on the other hand, are not even capable of differentiating between acceptable and unacceptable. They simply follow their instincts; they just act (or not act). In Montessori, we call this the unconscious absorbent mind, and the child's mind will continue in this state until about three years old. During this stage, the mind is merely programmed to follow its own instincts, to almost absentmindedly explore the world and process whatever it it interacts with. The child does not have the will to control these actions, nor the consciousness to direct them. They are following whims. And those whims are responsible for the child's amazing ability to learn. They learn how to walk, talk, move, and categorize the world in the most fascinating way. And this method is under no one's control. The only person who has any control is the adult who controls the environment in which the child interacts. And even then, they cannot truly control the way the child impulsively experiences it. It is this quality of the infant human's mind that allows for the foundation of the amazing brains that make humans so unique as a species.
What's even more interesting (and frustrating) to me, is the idea that qualities of a child such as sleep or mood can be considered good or bad. Sleep is a result of a child's biological needs and responses, as is mood. Usually a child having a hard time with either one of these is a result of a biological need or medical concern. It has nothing to do with the "goodness" of the child.
I agree that behaviors, impulses, and biological needs of a child can be more difficult than easy to deal with, but that response says more about the adult than the child really. Nothing about raising a child is always easy or always difficult; every child is unique and has a combination of easy and difficult behaviors. But, difficult is not bad. And easy is not good. I wish that we would take this words out of our vocabulary when we interact with children. It is not fair for us to qualify who they are before they even had the chance to create that person. It's unfair that from the very beginning we are judging children on a scale that has more to do with our own desires for less work and less changes in our own lives. And it's unfair to a mother or father who are working so hard to help their child through any and all behaviors to make them think that there is something wrong with the child who needs extra help or attention. Children are who they are. And that is not a bad thing. They might need extra help or a little more patience. They might need medical intervention or a change in diet. They might need a little more understanding or a little more attention. A child who's having a hard time or giving a hard time is a child who just needs more assistance.
In my classroom, we write the word bad on pieces of paper and everyone gets one. And then we rip it up and throw it in the trash. We don't need the word bad, because children are not bad. Every one of them is amazing and wonderful. Sometimes they make choices that are unacceptable, or they have behaviors that are difficult. But, that just means they need more help, more attention, or more love. There are NO bad children. So please, throw the word "bad" away.
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