Post-Partum Must Haves: What Baby and You Need in The First Month

Two weeks into becoming a parent and I am beginning to see exactly what it is we needed, and what we didn't.  The first week back from the hospital, we must have had twenty boxes delivered to our house as I camped out on the computer trying to get what we needed when I realized we needed it.  So, I thought perhaps it would be helpful for all those future-parents out there to have a list of what you really need.  And, for all those already-parents out there, please feel free to add to my list with your comments!

For Baby:  

Clothes:  For starters, make sure you are aware of what season it will be during your child's first three months.  Be ready to layer your child, because even warm days may be cold to him indoors (remember he spent nine months in the balmy body temperature of your womb).  Additionally, I make sure that all my child's clothes in the first six months (at least three) are organic.  The reason is that young skin just isn't ready for the chemicals (namely pesticides) often found in clothes, and organic is the best way to guarantee those chemicals aren't there.  This has been proven to reduce the risk of SIDS by not interfering with respiratory development the way chemical-laden clothes can.  As your child gets older, he can adjust to the chemical make-up of the world, but right now, he is extremely sensitive.  This doesn't have to be expensive.  Online at Amazon you can find fairly inexpensive brands of organic clothes.  We buy a lot of our organic baby clothes from Hanna Andersson (their baby stuff is not nearly as expensive as their children's clothes) and Baby Soy.  Plus, organic cotton is much sturdier than regular cotton, and with all the laundry you'll be doing, it will hold up much better and last you longer.  Once you decide where to buy, here's what you'll need:

• Onesies: At least 8-10 of them.  If you have a boy, consider he'll soil them easily when peeing on them while you are trying to diaper him.  If you hate laundry, double this number, because I base it on the fact that we do laundry every day.
• Pajamas without the footsies:  At least 6 of them.  They are the most comfortable thing your child will wear around during the day, and most likely the only thing that will fit him those first few weeks.  We bought a lot of footsie pajamas that our son can't fit into yet.  Luckily, most of the pajamas that I bought were from Hanna Andersson and they can be folded in the area of the hands and feet...meaning they will last him from the hospital to 6 months!  Talk about a money saver as well as a life saver.  Buy the ones with footsies when your child is a little older and you know what size he is.
• Socks:  Because you don't have footsies on your pajamas, you gotta keep that little one warm on the toes.  I recommend at least 5 pairs.  
• Very small hats:  We had so many hats when we brought him home, only to discover that two of them fit.  Newborns have very small heads and bodies; many 0-3 month clothes don't fit them (unless you have a very large baby).  Touched by Nature by Hudson Baby (bought it on Amazon...two organic hats for $5) has hats that fit perfectly on a little head!  We have six hats for him and they are in constant use; we are always leaving one in another room or trying to find one.  You could easily make do with less, but I would make sure you at least have two.
• T-shirts and pants:  3 long sleeve t-shirts and 2 pairs of pants will allow you to dress your child such that you can get air to the umbilical cord stump.  It also gives you some versatility in his wardrobe without having to spend too much on clothes you'll only use for three months.  Plus, pants are so much easier to get off in a diaper change than pajamas are.  Long sleeve t-shirts are good because onesies can always serve as the short-sleeves if you need them.
• Take to the hospital:  Bring a few onesies, a t-shirt and pants outfit, a pajama, and a hat to the hospital.  Your clothing will be so much more comfortable than what is provided at the hospital.

Blankets:  Make sure you have at least 3 blankets that work for wrapping your child as well as swaddling.  We use the Hudson Baby Touched By Nature Blankets; they are so soft, work great, and are inexpensive organic cotton.  Bring one of the blankets to the hospital; the blankets there are scratchy and uncomfortable in comparison.  

A note about blankets specifically for swaddling:  Some children like to be swaddled; some children hate it.  You have no idea what your child likes until you try.  At the hospital, have a nurse teach you how to swaddle and note whether or not your child is calmed by this.  Most children will be.  Learn this skill well and practice at the hospital where you have nurses who can demonstrate it again for you if you need.  Swaddling is one of your best defenses in calming a fussy baby, assuming he likes it.  If you learn that your child likes swaddling, I highly recommend the Miracle Blanket.  You can order this online from the hospital once you know that your child likes swaddling and have it there when you get home, or you can order it ahead of time and return it if it doesn't work for you.  The company (as well as Amazon) has a great return policy.  Another great swaddle blanket is the Swaddle Me by Summer Infant; it can be a little easier to use so check it out along with the Miracle Blanket.

Diapering:  We are a cloth diapering family.  However, my largest concern about cloth diapering was that we needed to settle into parenting before starting the cloth diapers.  We ordered a case of chlorine-free diapers and a case of wipes, which lasted about two weeks.  I recommend you buy at least two cases of diapers for the first month and see where you need to go from there.  Buy a case even if you are cloth diapering right away, just to make sure you have all your options available.  I attempted to start cloth diapering in week two and felt that the one-size-fits-all Fuzzibunz were a little too big for my son, so I'm going to wait until he is just a little bigger.  

A note on the wipes warmer: many people will tell you that you need this and when you see your child fussing so much at a diaper change and shivering, it may seem the likely fix.  It didn't work for us.  If you want to save money you could always check to see if your child calms when wiped down with a warm cloth (after a urine soaked diaper and not a bowel movement); if it calms him more, buy the wipe warmer.

Feeding:  For the first month, all you will really need are burp cloths if you are breastfeeding.  There is a lot less spit-up.  Five will probably work best and then you can increase as your child gets older.  For bottle feeding you may need more, and a few bibs as well.  I have been told that a bottle warmer is very important for bottle feeding as well.  If you are breastfeeding, you will be holding off on any bottle use or pumping for the first month.

Sleeping:  Sticking with the safety of having your infant sleep outside of your bed to reduce the risk of SIDS (you can always change this when he's older and bigger), I highly recommend a bassinet or co-sleeper for your bedroom.  A bassinet that requires little effort to make it rock works very well.  It will allow you to respond to your child immediately.  Life is a lot easier on both of you the faster you can get to your child; and that's always easier with less distance to cross.  Another idea is to also purchase the Fisher Price Rock and Play.  Baby can sit in it during the day and if he needs to be propped up at night (a lot of babies suffer from reflux symptoms when first born) you can let him sleep in it at night.  It helps to easily rock him if he wakes.  I still recommend purchasing a flat bassinet as well for later when your child needs or wants to sleep flat.

Carrying or Sitting:  A baby carrier or wrap is good to have, especially if you have a lot to do and need to move around a lot.  Wearing baby is the best way to keep him calm and make it easier for you to respond to his needs quickly.  Otherwise, just keep your child tucked safely in your arms or the arms of a family member.  The Sleepy Wrap is a very easy wrap to use and not complicated to put on.  The Ergo Carrier is great for outdoor use when they get bigger and can spread their hips.  However, for the first 6-8 months while you are waiting for baby to fit into an Ergo, I recommend the Baby K'Tan.  It worked the best for me and my son.  I am not a fan of keeping your baby in car seat carriers; it is bad for his physical development as well as his mental comfort of needing to be held in those first few months.  If you must put baby down in something (and he'll let you), I recommend a simple bouncy chair.  Remove any attachments that might overstimulate him that first month.  We have the Baby Bjorn Babysitter Balance and it's great; when baby is older he can control the bounce with his own movements.  We rarely put him in it, but sometimes he enjoys it for a few minutes while we try to eat.  For a very fussy baby, a bouncer that vibrates can work well.  A Boppy is another great thing to have; we brought ours to the hospital.  Our son loves to lay in it and look at us when he's awake.  At night, we let it cradle his legs in his bassinet while he's swaddled so he can't roll.

White Noise:  I recommend something for baby that makes good white noise.  You can go for a machine, but I recommend the CD from The Happiest Baby on The Block.  The cost is less than a machine and the reward is great.

For the New Mommy or Daddy:

Breastfeeding:  

• Shirts:  For the Mommy who is breastfeeding, I highly recommend buying a few henley shirts or any shirt that buttons down.  It is a great way to get to your breasts fast when you are just learning the process.  And if your child is anything like mine, those first few weeks are impatient ones.  This allows you to see what you are doing and get the right latch.  As you get more talented, then you can move to shirts that you can lift up but might hinder your sight.  
• Bras:  Buy at least four breastfeeding bras and/or four breastfeeding camisoles.  Take a bra or two to the hospital.  You will want to be wearing it when your milk comes in (this goes for moms who are bottle feeding as well, as your milk comes in no matter what).  The camisoles let you just drape something warm (like a cardigan) over top and allow you to get to your breasts fast when you and baby are learning what you are doing.  This all may sound like a lot, but when you start leaking, you will begin to notice how much you have to launder these bras.  If you plan on doing less laundry, buy more.  If you are not extremely large, you can eventually by bralette-type bras that you can just pull down, but they don't offer too much support.  Avoid wires as it can interfere with your breast's milk producing.
• Nipple Cream:  Start out with a lanolin-based cream (either buy it to take to the hospital or ask as soon as you get to your room).  When things improve you can move to a more natural cream like Motherlove or any other kind of herbal cream, if you choose.
• Nursing Pads:  Buy these early and have them on hand.  Leaking will be common in the first month and this will solve the problem.  They can reduce chafing.  I recommend SC Johnson's Super Absorbent pads.  If you can only find the contoured ones, buy them, but don't use the sticky back until you are done being sore.  You can also buy cotton or wool ones depending on how you leak, but in the early days, it will require a lot more laundering then you may like, so consider this when choosing. 
• Breast Shells:  Before you get to the hospital, buy a set of Medela Soft Shells.  These are silicone backed breast shells that go over your nipples.  They seem silly and at first you might think that you don't want to use them, but if you make any breastfeeding mistakes, these will be your lifesavers.  Placing them over your nipple will prevent chafing from your clothes and provide the air necessary to help them heal.  In the hospital a lactation consultant might give you completely plastic breast shells and, while they help at first, the hard plastic against your breast may become equally uncomfortable.  The Medela Soft Shells were best friend that first week I was home.
• Nursing Cover:  At home, breastfeeding is much easier because you can see what you are doing.  Out and about, breastfeeding becomes harder when you need to cover up but you are still trying to make sure your little one latches.  Nursing covers are easily placed over your head and hang around your neck.  They have a rigid neckline that lets you look down easily and adjust your little one.

Hydrating:  Buy a water bottle that's easy to use with one hand and won't spill if you need to close it fast and drop it; especially, if you had a caesarian section.  Drinking a lot of water those first few weeks will help your body heal and expel all that liquid within you, letting your uterus shrink faster.

Post Caesarian:  If you have a scheduled or emergency C-Section, then you will find that getting around is going to take a while.  You will also soon discover that you have no abdominal muscles for a weeks.  In the meantime, a wedge pillow in bed will make transferring from the incredible machine-operated hospital bed to your very flat bedroom mattress much easier.  There are many on the market, but I purchased the one from Brookstone and it's great.  Whatever brand, I recommend one made with memory foam.  I use the 12" high wedge and it allows me to sleep at an incline so I have much less distance to cover to get up and out of bed.

Reading:  If you do any post-partum reading, I recommend The Happiest Baby on The Block by Dr. Karp (check out his website www.happiestbabyontheblock.com).  If you don't have time, buy the DVD and watch it.  Purchase the White Noise CD they have as well.  If you do anything, make yourself available to this information...you will likely be relieved you did!

Patience:  To make it through the first three amazing but needy months of your infant's life, give yourself the gift of time.  You may be going back to work or you may be a new stay-at home mom; either way, these first few months you hopefully have some time off.  Consider it time off from everything!  Rent movies, relax, breastfeed, hold your baby while he sleeps.  You don't have to be on the go; just be with your baby and enjoy.  There will be plenty of time in the future for running around and exploring the world.  Right now, just explore learning each other.  And remember to smile!

Difficult Birth: Even Trauma Has A Silver Lining

I have written about positive birth stories and called upon women to share theirs with positivity.  I have asked that we stop the fear with our abilities to empower the women around us to have confidence in their bodies and their strength.  My birth story is not a pretty one.  It ended up nothing like I had hoped.  But I want to begin by saying that my story is rare, and while it was everything most of us worry will happen, it is also very unlikely to happen to most women.  Instead, it is proof that any woman has the strength to endure anything and that the only thing that matters is that your little one end up in your arms and you know you made all the right decisions to put him there safely.  Labor can be hard, but it is nothing to fear.

Before I begin, I must tell you my Birth Plan.  I went in visualizing what I wanted and hoping I would get it.  I wanted a completely natural birth; I didn't even want drugs mentioned.  I was going to use hypnobirthing and find a state of ultimate relaxation to work through the labor and "breathe down" my baby.  I wanted the lights dim and the environment quiet when my baby came into the world.  I wanted my baby placed on my chest immediately afterwards with a delayed cord clamping and delayed medical attention until we had bonded.  I wanted to breastfeed immediately.  I wanted the least amount of intervention possible despite being in a hospital.  I was very clear in my mind exactly what I wanted and certain I would get it.  The best laid plans, right?

My birth story begins around 10:00 a.m. on a Sunday morning.  I began to feel "pressure" in my uterine area, very much what it feels like when you begin menstruating.  At this point, never having been through this before, I really had no idea what to expect and it was difficult to tell if I was having the same gastrointestinal distress I had been having for the last month of my pregnancy.  But then it went away and came back, went away and came back, and soon, I was wondering if I might be experiencing the uterine surges we all know as contractions.  After a couple hours I was sure they were contractions, but I wasn't sure if it was practice labor or the real thing.  The only thing I knew was to wait to call my midwife until they were five minutes apart and one minute long for an hour.  So we waited.  We went for a walk.  We got excited but then tried not to get too excited.  By late afternoon, they were predominantly five minutes apart so we called the midwife.

Per usual with a first labor, things progress slowly and my midwife didn't feel like anything I was saying was kicking me into active labor.  She told me to stop walking and go relax; see if they go away.  She told me that I should call her again if they got to two or three minutes apart.  I got into the bath, had my first real glass of wine in nine months, and tried to relax.  Things subsided a bit and moved to seven or eight minutes apart.  I figured this wasn't it and crawled into bed trying to get some sleep.  I fell asleep maybe three times for 20 minutes each.  By 3 am, the contractions were two to four minutes apart.  We called my midwife.  The thing about labor, however, is that it should be more patterned.  I should be going from four minutes down to three, then down to two, and so forth.  The fluctuation between two and four did not indicate active labor.  My midwife felt that this pattern meant we were still in a pre-labor phase and she knew I wanted to labor at home.  She suggested we could go to the hospital and get checked, but that she didn't think I was there yet.  So we waited another five hours.  Still having contractions so close together, we decided to go get checked.  The car ride intensified the contractions and my hypnobirthing came in handy at these moments as my husband reminded me to relax and breathe.  At the hospital, we got our answer...2 centimeters dilated and 60% effaced.  Back home we went.

Before arriving home, we decided to stop by my chiropractor who I had called that morning.  We went straight from the hospital and she gave me and adjustment.  I was hoping that this would speed things up or slow them down.  After checking me she thought my son was in a great position and that we'd probably see a baby by the end of the day!  Excited, we headed home.  My sister arrived to give me amazing massages and take care of me for a while and we settled in.  I went to the bathroom an hour later and my mucous plug had dropped...my first sign of fluid change meant things were moving along!  We called the midwife again midday, but the time intervals between contractions were still fluctuating.  My midwife prescribed me an Ambien.  She felt some sleep would either get things moving or stop them, and at this point, these contractions needed to put up or shut up.  With my sister rubbing my head, I fell asleep.  An hour later, I was up again.  No change.

In and out of the bathtub I went, trying to relax, trying to make it through.  It was 4 am when we returned to the hospital.  I was now 2 centimeters dilated and 80% effaced.  I felt like I was going nowhere and I was exhausted.  But I still wanted to labor at home and avoid the "clock" of the hospital.  Back home we went, and I was beginning to feel defeated.  Not afraid, but exhausted.  Things didn't slow down or speed up.  By 9 am (and nearly 48 hours in), I looked at my husband and told him we had to go to the hospital for good this time.  I now needed a clock.  I didn't think I even had another 24 hours in me.

At the hospital, I was 5 centimeters dilated.  Progress!  Things were looking up and they put monitors on me (not something I had wanted for more than 20 minutes, but we were over 48 hours in and both my son and I needed continuous monitoring).  Into the laboring tub I went.  I was trying to hold my hypnobirthing state of relaxation and began riding the contractions.  I was doing well and things felt great in the water.  Two hours later, my midwife checked me again.  6 centimeters.

Now, at this point in active labor, you should be progressing a centimeter an hour.  Normally, a centimeter in two hours isn't bad and would probably indicate a long active labor.  However, I was now over fifty hours in and exhausting fast and my water still hadn't "broken."  My midwife felt that an even longer active labor would mean I'd have no ability to make the final push.  She asked to rupture my membranes ("break my water") to move things along.  This was the first intervention I succumbed to.  I knew she was right.  My body didn't have the energy to make it much longer.  She ruptured my membranes.

When I saw the explosion of brown and the disgust on my midwife's face (meconium tainted membranes are vile), I knew I was in trouble again.  My little guy had defecated in his amniotic fluid, meaning he had experienced some form of stress.  It also meant that he had to go straight to the nurse's station in the corner of the room to be checked immediately.  If he aspirated meconium, he'd be in trouble.  No straight to breast, no delayed cord clamping.  I succumbed to another necessary medical intervention in the best interests of my son.  Back into the tub I went.

Contractions began to rock my body.  Hypnobirthing became impossible for me at this point.  To properly hypnobirth you need to enter into a state of mental relaxation.  In this state, it really is easier to let your body do what it needs to do and breathe through the experience, minimizing any discomfort.  However, when you are exhausted, it's almost impossible to achieve any mental state.  I was at the mercy of my exhaustion.  It took my husband, my sister, my mother, and my stepmother to all help me breathe through it by allowing me to concentrate on their eyes and follow their example breaths.  I wouldn't have made it without them.

I think it would be valuable to try and explain what a contraction feels like to those of you who may not know.  A lot of people will tell you it's pain, but I disagree.  Pain is a feeling your body gives you when there is something wrong.  Giving birth to a baby is not an unnatural thing.  Your body is working, but most of the time, there is nothing wrong.  The best way I could explain a contraction would be like explaining the experience of vomiting.  It's something you can do and it's something that is not necessarily painful.  It is just very uncomfortable.  Most of the time if you just make it through the vomiting, you reach the end result of feeling better and all is well.  Essentially, that's all a contraction is.  Let your body do what it needs, relax, and let it achieve its necessary outcome.   I, personally, can vomit like a champ.

Now...that's a normal contraction.  I, on the other hand, was full on into back labor.  Back labor is when the contractions are felt stronger in your back than your uterus, and this is accompanied by pain (sort of -- consider it violent vomiting)...because something IS wrong.  It means the baby is not getting into the right position.  The only thing that helped was my sister's exceptional lower back massaging through the contractions.  For the past 5 months, I had been doing Optimal Fetal Positioning and had kept my baby in the perfect position the past three months, and now, he was posterior (his back was towards my insides not my outsides).  The nurse and my midwife got me out of the tub and checked me gain.  Two hours and I was now 7 centimeters.  Progress again.  They laid me over the back of the back of the bed with hopes of helping move the baby in the right position and, again, my family helped me breathe through it.

An hour later they checked me.  I was still 7 centimeters.  I had gone nowhere and contractions were rocking my body so hard that I can only explain the experience as the emotional and physical equivalent of dry-heaving continuously.  A whole lot of physical output only to go nowhere.  At this point, I'll be honest.  For the past two hours I had been thinking "this is why women have epidurals."  However, I kept going; I could do this, I could endure this for the right outcome.  When I saw that all this work I was doing was getting us nowhere I began to feel a little helpless.  I could do this if it was getting us somewhere, but I was exhausted and the idea of no end in sight was starting to wear on me.

When my midwife said "Pitocin" and "epidural," I experienced a feeling of relief.  My amazing husband, who (it would later turn out) was pro-drug the whole time but wanted to be fully supportive of whatever I wanted, tried to support my original plan.  "Are there any other options?" he asked half-heartedly.  "No, hon," I said. "There aren't."  I was done.  And the moment I decided I was done, I just wanted it all to stop.  This is the moment, my friends, where women who have no medical intervention give up and eventually die.  However, none of us ever have to worry about that.

They told me the epidural would take 15-20 minutes to kick in, and I remember thinking I just couldn't do anymore.  Not only that, but I had to sit perfectly still while they put it in and I was still having contractions rock my body.  Then all the scare stories of pain from putting in the epidural ran through my head.  But I just wanted to the contractions to end; I just wanted to rest for a minute.  So they placed my husband in front of me and had him hold my hands.  I stared into his eyes and he breathed me through two contractions.  By that time, the epidural was over and I hadn't moved a muscle.  I can tell you now, an epidural does not hurt.  It is not much different than getting an heparin lock placed in your hand for an IV.  Actually, I think that hurts more because the tubing is larger.

My midwife reminded me that it would take 15 minutes and I looked pleadingly at her.  I told her that I didn't know if I could do it.  She asked me if I felt that last contraction.  I didn't.  She asked me if I felt the next one.  I didn't.  She smiled and I felt relief carry over my entire body.  I am not a religious person, but this moment felt like a gift from God.  I am not a fan of unnecessary medical intervention, but in this moment, when I knew I was one of those statistics for whom it was completely necessary, I was grateful for western medicine.

The next two hours went fast.  I rested trying to get my strength up for the birth.  They turned me on my side to get the baby to rotate and get into the right position to move down the birth canal.  Two hours later they checked and I was 100% effaced and 9.5 cm dilated.  An hour after that, I was 9.5 cm dilated.  My midwife looked stressed.  She knew where things were headed and she didn't want it any more than I did.  She looked at me and said we needed to start talking caesarian.  I pleaded for her to give me another hour...it was half a centimeter!  She gave me her honest opinion.  Another hour was not going to get us closer, my uterus (which had been working for over 55 hours, regardless of whether I could feel it now) did not have the strength to push as was evidenced by its inability to fully open even with Pitocin.  I asked her again for one more hour and she said she would put a device in my uterus to measure whether or not the contractions were even strong enough and we'd see.  In the end though, she couldn't get it in.  My son was in the wrong position and wedging up against my pelvic bone.  My midwife knew that if we tried to do this vaginally, either he or I, or both, would have to be rescued.  In the end, it was the only choice we had.  Left alone while they got everything together to wheel us into surgery, my husband and I cried.  But now, all that mattered was my son, and it was all we could do for him.  I was officially a "failure to progress."

Surgery was easy.  It was fast, beautifully handled, and neither my son and I were in trouble during the procedure.  As they wheeled me into surgery and got prepped, I had worried so much that maybe something was wrong with him and that's how we got here.  My husband squeezed my hand as the surgery progressed.  And then, he was out, and he was screaming.  Fifty-nine hours of labor and I had a son.  They took him over to the nurse's station and my husband ran over.  I couldn't see him past a pole in my way and I remember feeling frustrated and sad.  But he was fine; ten fingers, ten toes, screaming lungs.  His APGAR ended up being an 8/9.  He was near perfect.  They brought him close so I could see him and he was so beautiful.  They wheeled him out of the room and my husband followed, grinning like a new father should.  He looked back at me and promised "I won't leave his side."  I was crying then...because I was a mother, and because I couldn't touch my son.

I laid in recovery and all I wanted was my son.  It was not long after that he was brought to me.  While babies are not often brought back to recovery, my midwife knew that I needed this.  Within an hour, he was placed in my arms and we were breastfeeding.  He latched perfectly and fed for a half hour.  The nurse was amazed.

My birth plan had fallen apart.  Everything had gone wrong in my mind.  There was nothing wrong with him, but with me, as I endured the diagnosis of two small a pelvis.  My poor son just couldn't figure out how to exit the womb.  But at the end of it all, it was that first moment we had together that mattered.  And it was all the moments that came before my labor, and all the moments that would come after.  That's the silver lining.  It's not just that you have an amazing child, which you do and that is a miracle in itself; it's that you still did everything you could to do the best for him.  At first, before I processed what I had been through, I was afraid that this birth had undone all that I had worked for to bring my son into the world in the best way I thought possible.  But nothing can undo any amount of love you give your child.  All that preparation for the perfect birth plan left me calm and fearless as I went into labor, and it kept me calm and fearless throughout all I endured.  Hypnobirthing gave me confidence, eating well and staying healthy kept my body and his strong, and focusing on any kind of plan made me bond with him and prepare for the experience.  He felt all of that.  And from the moment he was on my chest, the world was right again.  He felt all the love that I put into my pregnancy and, despite those brief moments of stress trying to get out, he would feel nothing but that love from that point forward.  And now I know one thing, I can and will be the greatest pillar of strength to give him whatever he needs.

I also learned a lesson.  The first lesson of my parenting experience.  A lesson I knew intellectually, didn't truly comprehend the magnitude of.  Children create themselves from the very beginning.  You have to be ready to adapt and change with them, and plans can only go so far.  Our birth experience was essentially that; I had to adapt to his needs, no matter what.  In the end, it's always about what's best for him, and only he can tell me what that is.

It Takes A Village

I have a baby boy!  He is laying softly in my arms, sleeping like a little angel.  He is now nearing a week old, and I have a thousand things I want to write about (and I will!) but a lot less time!  I have learned so much, utilized a lot of what I know, and re-evaluated what I thought I knew.  And what I know for sure: I couldn't have done or be doing anything about it without my village.

Before my son's birth, I had a lot of family members saying they wanted to be present and help take care of me afterwards.  This is rare and makes me a very lucky person.  As we neared the birth, however, people's plans started changing and they became very worried that they should leave my husband and I alone.  I heard the words "bonding time" a lot.  Frequently, people would ask what I want or needed.  If you are already a parent, you know that this is a question you just can't answer the first time around.  Who knows what you are going to need?

I have the answer now.  I need a lot of support; I can't imagine my husband and I doing this without it.  My son was the result of an emergency c-section, and so we needed even more support than we could have guessed.  I had medication prescriptions to be filled, I was moving very slowly, and my husband not only had to learn to take care of a newborn but a post-surgery wife.  Grocery shopping, making dinner, and buying the things we didn't even know we needed all seemed like impossibilities on top of trying to figure out what this little guy wants and needs.  As a mother who always wants her son held during the day, just having someone to hold him for an hour has become a tremendous assistance.  My family members, and most especially my father, have made all these things easier than we could have imagined.  All of a sudden, every fear people had of interfering with our "bonding" was laid to rest.  The truth is, help and family around you lets you do that bonding.  Every second spent grocery shopping or making dinner would have been one less spent learning our son and helping each other become parents.  And so, because my family has made sure to dedicate their time to helping us make this transition into parenthood, we are far more relaxed and intuitive parents already.

My father was the only one who never asked whether or not we thought we needed him.  He knew we needed him (and I can only say that I can just wish for each woman out there to have such a father, or someone, willing to take such great care of his family).  Whether it was his fear of my suffering post-partum depression like my mother or the influence of his own Indian culture that drove this instinct, I do not know.  In India, unlike the western world, there is no question of making sure that a new set of parents have the full support of their family.  A mother (or both parents) will come stay with her children for at least a month after the birth of a child.  In India, families (parents, children, grandchildren) often live together in the same house based on the reality that it really does take a village to raise a child.

From the perspective of those ever-threatening post-partum hormones, having people around you is one of the most important ways to work through it.  The one day my husband I had completely alone was a bit of a shock to me and my hormones took over more than I realized.  Having people to talk things out with each day really lets you process what you are going through, and even more so, helps you stave off the loneliness that can sometimes accompany a major life change.  Going it alone just makes everything seem harder.

So, if you are soon to be blessed with a little one (or just have been), then the one thing I can say is make sure you call upon your village.  Don't be afraid to tell people you need them.  Build your village now, and welcome their assistance and advice (even if you don't take the latter).  Remember, you will have a very cute little bundle to tempt them with.  And if you have been as lucky as I have, don't forget to thank your village for everything they do!

Making the Circumcision Decision

When I found out we were having a boy, I have to tell you, I was relieved.  While most people feel that girls are easier to raise as young children, as a Montessori teacher, I know I have the skills to handle what any young boy can throw at me.  My biggest fear?  The teenage girl.  Don't get me wrong, I hope we have a girl one day.  But for my first foray into parenthood, I was very glad to see those little testicles on the sonogram screen!

But then, I realized, there was one decision we had to make that suddenly made me nervous.  I hadn't thought about it until my midwife asked me: "are you going to circumcise?"  Circumcise?!  What a decision to make!  I know a lot of people have very strong opinions about this.  Some people are very supportive of circumcision for religious reasons, while others feel that it is the standard and should just be done.  Arguments have been made that circumcision is in the best health interests of the male.  Other people, however, are extremely against this procedure, calling it male genital mutilation and suggesting that it lowers sexual arousal.  And me?  I had no idea what I thought on the matter.  I don't have one!

I remember turning to my husband and saying "you make this decision, you have one."  But I knew that couldn't possibly be the end of it.  Even though my husband is circumcised, he didn't want that to be the reason for our decision.  So we began to look into it further.

I started with the medical reasons.  I figured, if the medical community can tell me unequivocally that it is the healthy decision to make, then that's the decision to make.  Unfortunately, it turns out, the medical community can't do that.  According to the policy statement of the American Academy of Pediatrics:

"Existing scientific evidence demonstrates potential medical benefits of newborn male circumcision; however, these data are not sufficient to recommend routine neonatal circumcision. In circumstances in which there are potential benefits and risks, yet the procedure is not essential to the child's current well-being, parents should determine what is in the best interest of the child."

That brings me right back to square one.  There is little research that suggests circumcision helps with hygiene.  The medical benefits suggested have been lower risks of HIV transmission, penile cancer, and urinary tract infections.   But the research is not strong enough to make the medical community say that circumcision is the best decision.  Nor does it make them believe it outweighs any risks of complications from circumcision, like infection, bleeding, psychological trauma, and mostly, pain.  Granted, these risks are very minor, but at the moment, the same could be said for the actual amount in which circumcision lowers the risks of STDs and cancer.  There is some research that says that circumcision lowers male sexual arousal, but then again, that research isn't conclusive either.  So, back and forth they go, leaving the medical community in no position to tell you what's best.

Next, I figured we 'd look at the rate of circumcision.  Would it be better for our son to be more like everyone else?  Currently, 80% or more of American men are circumcised, but that seems to be changing drastically.  According to the NY Times, the rate of circumcision is down from 56% of newborns in 2006 to 32.9% in 2009 (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/17/health/research/17circ.html?_r=1&ref=health).  So, it appears that not circumcising our son would put him in the majority for his peer group.  Why this is, no one really seems to know.  Some people think the attitude for the shift could have to do with groups pushing more education about the issue, while others think that the growing light being shed on female genital mutilation has led many to wonder why it would be ok to cut boys but not girls.  It could also be that with all the research giving little conclusive evidence to the medical value of circumcision, people are having a harder time making that decision.

Once I knew that doctors couldn't help me make my decision and that our son would not be a pariah in the larger community, I felt like I had a lot of information but was still back at square one.  No one was going to help us make this decision.  We were just going to have to decide what the best decision was for us as a family.  We had to decide whether or not it was worth it to us.  My husband came to me and said "you know what, I don't think we should do it, I just can't think of a reason."  My emotional reaction to this statement ended up being relief.  I hadn't even realized that was how I felt deep down.

A day later, I was sitting around the table talking to some family members about having to make this decision when I got even more information.  My brother came running into the room and said "you're not going to circumcise are you?"  Suddenly, I realized it had never dawned on me to ask about my own family members and the decision they had made.  I discovered that neither my brother nor my father are circumcised as this is not a tradition in Indian families (my father is Indian and my mother is British).  In fact, circumcision is not practiced in Hindu families and I learned that my grandmother (who was devoutly Hindu when she was alive) was very much against it.  Hmm, was someone going to make up my mind for me?  At the same time, my brother made it very clear that he has no qualms about being uncircumcised and has never felt strange because of it.

At the end of the day, neither my husband nor I are very religious.  So I really don't think we could make this decision from that perspective.  We also are not very big on what everyone else is doing, so while it worked out in our favor that the attitudes in the states are changing, I don't think it really influenced our decision.  I think the reason we finally made the decision not to circumcise is that neither of us could really find a good reason to circumcise our son.  It seems painful and not altogether necessary.  When he's older, we figure, he can always make the decision for circumcision.  But, if we make that decision now, he can never unmake it.

The way I see it is that the best way to make this decision is to make an informed one, and then, do what's best for your family.  In the end, that's all you can do.

How Does The Baby Know When To Be Born?

It's countdown to birth and the anticipation can throw a person into some serious thinking.  Especially the first time around, when you have no idea what it's supposed to look like.  But then, it turns out, I'm not the only one with questions.  I was driving in the car with my father today and he says to me: "you know, I've never really thought of it before, but how does the baby know when to be born?"  I laughed, because this question has been plaguing me for the past few days.  What is it that we are waiting for??  I asked my mother later if she knew, and she couldn't come up with any real answer.  So, being the "googler" that I am, I began to look for the answers.

Once you're pregnant, and assuming you read a few books, take a childbirth education class, or ask your doctor questions, you begin to learn that there are signs that will tell you labor is imminent.  You start "nesting" or "carb-loading."  If you are allowing your doctor/midwife to check your cervix in those last few weeks, signs of your cervix effacing (thinning) and dilating (opening) will give you some clues that things are hopping into gear.  Losing your uterine seal (commonly called the mucous plug), or the pinkish/brownish discharge of your birth show (commonly called the bloody show) will also be fluid signs that you may be going into labor.  Finally, if your membranes release (commonly called "your water breaks"), then you have definitely reached the stage of imminent birth.  And, unlike the movies, less than ten percent of women experience membrane release before their labor contractions begin, so at that point, you've probably already gone into labor and are very aware of it.  However, none of this tells you why or how the baby has decided to come out, and it certainly wasn't a conscious decision on your part (or it probably would have happened sooner)!  So, how does it happen?

It looks like, as far as science knows thus far, the full story is pretty much a mystery.  However, there is one part of it that we have discovered.  According to researchers at UT Southwestern Medical University in Dallas, the development of a specific fetal lung protein signifies to the mother's body that the lungs are mature enough to survive outside of her body.  Surfactant, a lung protein, is essential for survival and breathing outside of the womb.  There is a protein within this lung surfactant that serves as a hormonal signal for labor and makes this signal once the surfactant has been properly developed.  It's a lot to think about when a doctor is asking you if you want to induce after 37 weeks.  While babies may be able to technically survive outside the woman at this point, their lungs have still not signaled full maturity.

So ladies, if you are starting to get fussy like I am, and baby hasn't arrived, just know that he needs the extra time getting his lungs ready.  And when baby is ready...it's eviction time!

The Prenatal Chiropractor: A Pregnant Woman's Best Friend

Whenever anyone asks me about pregnancy, I always try to remember that all women are different.  I'll tell a woman about my experience, but I'll tell them other stories I have heard too.  Every pregnancy is going to be different.  However, if you were to ever ask me if I have one recommendation for pregnancy, I have one response: a prenatal chiropractor.

Some people are very pro chiropractics, while others are very skeptical; this, I know.  But whether or not you agree with everything about chiropractics, I really believe that, for pregnancy at least, chiropractics is not only the great preventer, it's the great solution as well.  Worried about breech?  The answer is chiropractics.  Have back pain or round ligament pain?  The answer is chiropractics.  Having a hard time walking or staying mobile?  Having a lot of swelling?  Having hip pain or pelvic pain? The answer is chiropractics.  The American Pregnancy Association cites the possible benefits of chiropractic prenatal care as:

• Maintaining a healthier pregnancy
• Controling symptoms of nausea
• Reducing the time of labor and delivery
• Relieving back, neck, or joint pain
• Prevent a potential caesarian

A prenatal chiropractor's goal is to keep your pelvis in balance and reduce stress on the uterus and supporting ligaments.  By releasing your Psoas, a muscle deep in your abdomen, your chiropractor can reduce pain and help support your flexibility.  When a uterus is out of balance and the ligaments are strained, it is difficult for your baby to find the right position and can often lead to breech or posterior birth positioning.  The first can lead to a caesarian while the latter can lead to long and painful labors.  The best position for your baby to settle in by the third trimester is anterior (butt facing your stomach) and leaning slightly to your left side (feet in the upper right hand part of your stomach).  It is far easier for your baby to settle into this position if your uterus is properly balanced.  This position is the easiest way for your child to "corkscrew" out during labor and is often the reason for shorter labor and delivery times.  If you are looking at a breech baby, a chiropractor can help you rotate your baby, but it is far easier to begin going early in your pregnancy and prevent it from happening altogether.

As a pregnant woman, I have been able to stay active and only in these last few weeks have I really even developed a very slight waddle.  I have much less back pain than I did when I started going to see my chiropractor (around 20 weeks is when I started getting pains), despite the fact that this baby is much bigger now!  My baby has settled into that wonderful Left Occipital Anterior position and we are all ready to go.  I also look forward to my weekly visits with my chiropractor (you can choose to go less than this, but this frequency works well for me) and feel so much better.  When my little guy first dropped, it was almost immediately following a recent chiropractic adjustment.  I just cannot recommend anything more!

The one thing to remember is to find a chiropractor that does pre-natal.  If you are in the Northern Virginia are, I highly recommend Sana Chiropractic in Reston!

Has anyone out there had any really positive prenatal chiropractic experiences? 

The information above is from:

http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancyhealth/chiropracticcare.html

Pregnancy Must-Reads!

These are the books that I have been reading during my pregnancy.  So many of them have been helpful that I just had to share!

What to Expect When You're Expecting by Heidi Murkoff and Sharon Mazel:  This book is the standard, but it's great for all that general information that you need.  It lets you know what's going on with the baby's development as well as the changes in your own body.  I used it for a good general overview of each month and the weekly emails from the website were helpful and informative as well.

The Expectant Father by Armin A. Brott and Jennifer Ash:  This book gave my husband a lot of good information.  He would read each month before we hit it and it very much helped him think about his experience through the process and stimulated some great conversations between the two of us.  It really helped him understand what is going on with me!

Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin:  This is, hands-down, the best book I read during my pregnancy.  The first half of the book is all positive birth stories.  They are not all perfect and happy, but instead a true stories with a very empowering and positive focus.  The second part, the most valuable part in my opinion, is all the information gathered by the world's best midwives.  The information in this part is all about natural birthing and ways to avoid interventions.  It also helps you understand everything you need to know about these interventions in case you are faced with a doctor presenting any of them.  If you read any book, read this one!

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding by Diane Wiessinger, Diana West and Teresa Pitman:  While this book will be even more helpful post-partum, I think it is a good read for before giving birth.  The beginning talks about the important aspects of natural childbirth and how your body is best designed to bond with your baby and repair itself.  The first few chapters were essential in my creation of a birth plan.  Then the book provides a lot of information for the start of breastfeeding that will likely be very important in the hospital.

Hypnobirthing: The Mongan Method by Marie Mongan:  For anyone looking for a childbirth education class, I highly recommend Hypnobirthing.  However, even if you don't take the hypnobirthing classes, this is a good read.  It has a lot of information on how society arrived to the idea of pain and fear in childbirth and has a lot of great techniques for learning to release that fear.

The Complete Organic Pregnancy by Deirdre Dolan and Alexandra Zissu:  For anyone looking for the most organic pregnancy this is a great read.  It starts out telling you all the things you need to know to avoid chemicals before getting pregnancy.  Then it continues to help you minimize toxic exposure throughout your pregnancy and after.  You can easily pick and choose what you would like to follow, and it is extremely informative.

The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin:  I had my husband read this book in preparation for becoming the birth partner in the birthing room.  It is a fantastic read for whoever you would like to have helping you.  It has much of the information in it that you would expect from a doula.