So often, parents find themselves questioning what they do or wondering what they should do. As a parent educator, I find these questions really only skim the surface of parenting. At the heart of the matter is really your philosophy of parenting: what are you trying to accomplish, what are your belief systems about children and their development, and what is your lifestyle like? When you understand how you think about parenting, then you will have a better ability to make decisions and greater satisfaction with the decisions that you are making.
While philosophies about parenting can often be complex and there certainly are a multitude of them, I have found that the starting point for choosing or adhering to any parenting philosophy or style really boils down to three "camps" of thought. Each camp holds an attitude about how parents should approach their lives and what they should expect from themselves and their children. Each camp then tailors their decisions (parenting decisions, life decisions, etc.) based on that attitude.
First, you have the Parent-Centered Camp. This attitude towards child-rearing is rooted in very old-school thinking about children and how they fit into the lives of a parent, and is focused on fitting the child into the adult's life. The focus tends to be first on the parent's ultimate need and then finding a solution that will help the child fit that need. Some parenting choices that result from this camp of thought include "cry-it-out" and other types of sleep training methods, adapting a child to an adult-chosen schedule, and formula-only feeding as a non-emergency choice. Parent-centered parenting expects baby to accommodate the adult. The parent-centered camp supports the belief that when parents focus on their own needs (particularly with regard to the marriage in an intact family), this will result in better psychological health and emotional health for the parents and so, they can more adequately help the child adapt into the family and society.
Next, you have the Child-Centered Camp. This attitude towards child-rearing has shifted from the traditional view to fitting the child into the adult's from revolving the adult's life around the child. Accommodation shifts from the child to the adult, who seeks to meet all of babies needs even if they conflict with the adult's own needs and desires. This approach can often be difficult and harder on parents who don't have support and are often questioned by the more traditional parent-centered approach. Some parenting choices made by parents in this camp include co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, and child-led weaning. The child-centered camp supports the belief that children are developmentally different from adults and that trying to fit them to an adult's schedule and an adult's needs is psychologically and emotionally damaging to the child's optimal development.
Finally, a third approach can be found in what might be considered the Family-Centered Camp. This attitude tends to be mostly child-centered in that the parents attempt to make most of the life accommodations that the child needs, but then occasionally expects the child to make accommodations for the child/family when necessary. Parents only ask the child to accommodate the parent when they feel it is a necessity for the family. This camp supports the belief that children are developmentally different from adults and need to be accommodated for optimally psychological and emotional development, but also feels that children are resilient and capable of making some changes/accomodations if the majority of their needs are met in a timely and supportive fashion by the parent.
Personally, I fall into the Family-Centered Camp, though I am as child-centered with my abilities as I can be. As a Montessorian, my approach to education and child-rearing is inherently child-centered. Montessori philosophy is deeply rooted in following the child's development and preparing an environment that is tailored to the child's needs. I have a very difficult time with the parent-centered approach because I believe that we should be raising children, not fitting them into the lives we've already dictated for ourselves. I believe that parenting is a sacrifice and an undertaking that should be made in order to guide and raise a competent, independent, conscientious, and caring adult. If humanity is going to grow, it should be with those kinds of people. And if those kinds of people are going to create themselves, they need to have the utmost respect of the innate developmental process within them, as well as the guidance and support of adults who can show them how to be competent members of society. I firmly believe that if we want children to respect everyone's needs, we need to show them that same respect in the beginning.
I understand that the child-centered approach to parenting is often accused of being soft on discipline and living through one's child, but I think that these criticisms are not of the approach but rather, the application. The truth is, choosing any of these camps to be in does not give you all of the answers, but it gives you a starting point. And from that point, you can begin to make decisions and find solutions that you are comfortable with.
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