A Bug's Life: Cultivating Respect

For any life to be important, every life must be important. It's the cornerstone of community and consciousness that we remember that everyone and everything has value.  Every creature plays a role in nature and we are all interdependent upon each other.  How we as parents, teachers, and adults, treat all living things becomes the lens through which our children see nature, see the world, and see themselves.  Remembering and reflecting on the anniversary of 9/11 today, I am reminded how very important cultivating respect for life truly is.

Dr. Montessori wrote: ‘Since it has been seen to be necessary to give so much to the child, let us give him a vision of the whole universe. The universe is an imposing reality, and an answer to all questions. We shall walk together on this path of life, for all things are part of the universe, and are connected with each other to form one whole unity. This idea helps the mind of the child to become fixed, to stop wandering in an aimless quest for knowledge. He is satisfied, having found the universal center of himself with all things’ (Clio 1989 p 5 – 6).  She believed deeply in the concept of cosmic education, that the stories of the natural world and its history strengthen the child's connection with the natural, physical, and social world.  While Cosmic Education lies at the heart of the Montessori Elementary Curriculum, it's ideas are important for children of all ages.  Respect for nature is as important a part of respect for society as any other thing we can teach our children.

Sometimes it so easy to forget that every interaction we have teaches our children something.  Mistakenly swatting at a fly or stomping on an ant means so much more to a child than it does to us.  But every time we perpetuate the idea of insects, or any creature for that matter, as an invader to be put to death, we show our children that not all living things have value.  But, they do!  Spiders may be creepy and crawly but they devour other insects and are part of an important ecological system.  So are snakes, rodents, and many other "intruders."  While we may wish to remove the invaders, how we choose to do so will impact our children's respect for nature.  Rescuing and releasing cultivates sensitivity while killing cultivates disconnection and insensitivity.  Respect for a bug's life will teach your child respect for all life.  And that translates so much farther than we realize.  It translates into respect for differences between people and understanding that all creatures and all people have something to give and something wholesome and good about them.  It cultivates peace, and we need a little more of that in the world.

When my son and I go out into the world, we look for all the little creatures and we try to connect.  I'll be honest, deep down, I fight some of my own fears sometimes.  I hide those fears because there is no need for my son to learn to be afraid of any creature.  Rather, he must learn to respect all that those creatures are capable of.  When we encounter a bug's life, we stop to ponder it, we stop to consider it, and then we let it go about its business.  In this time fraught with the tendency of the human race to disconnect themselves from more and more, I want my son to know nature and to love it.

(can you see the leaf bug in these photos?)

Unwanted Toddler Behaviors: Ignore! Ignore! Redirect!

I've been smacked in the face and bitten.  I've been run from.  I've seen toys thrown maniacally across the room.  The common denominator in these behaviors?  My son.  The other common denominator?  Laughter.   My son can commit the most atrocious offenses and his only reaction to any of them is to cackle like he's just had the best time of his life.  Here I am trying to guide him in the ways of the world and he's behaving like a prison inmate!  Can you feel me losing my mind?

These behaviors have been arising over the past month or so.  They are not atypical of a toddler; quite the opposite.  If you have a toddler and you don't know what I am talking about, consider yourself very lucky.  The rest of you toddler parents are probably nursing a wound (either toddler-inflicted or from banging your head against a wall!).  I see these behaviors in children all around me; some direct their unwanted behaviors at other children while many simply save them for mom and dad.  If your toddler is behaving in this manner, please know, you are not alone!  And neither is your child.  At this age, children have no ability to understand social cues, emotional cues, and understand appropriate behaviors.  They are at the perfect age to start learning, but they lack the ability to reason why they need to learn them.  They operate at a level of action and reaction.  They are gathering information.  And they are gathering it from you.

I have had a lot of conversations with parents who feel compelled to extinguish these behaviors (as they should).  But many people fail to understand the root cause of these behaviors, and so they often choose methods of confronting the behavior that can fail or frustrate.   There's usually a lot of panic involved.  And, it's fair to panic, because the idea of having a ten year old that still bites or a twenty year old that still hits is an unpleasant one.  We all know that we need to DEAL with these behaviors, right?

Our mistake often lies in that very notion: dealing with the behavior.  We make the mistake in believing that the child's behavior must be corrected or it will continue, so we attend to it.   But toddlers don't have the same kind of abstract thought that adults have; they don't reason or make conclusions in the same way.  Instead, they look for reactions, and what they want is interaction.  They want interaction with objects, to see how the world operates, and they want interactions with people.  They want attention, and that desire is rooted in their need for guidance and comfort.  So toddlers will experiment. Sometimes they choose behaviors that fall in line with what is socially acceptable, and other times they don't.  What matters to the child is not the behavior, but what happens when they do that behavior.  And one thing children quickly learn is that when they choose certain behaviors, they get a quick response.  Unfortunately, those are usually the unwanted ones.  In the professional world, we call this negative attention seeking.  What it means is that a child will trend towards those behaviors that get attention, even if that attention is negative.  Because, in their minds, attention is attention, no matter how it happens or what it looks like. 

For example, my son will often bite me when I'm not paying attention to him because there is absolutely NO way you can ignore a biting toddler...right?  Unfortunately, any natural reaction I can have to biting is the wrong one, because it's a reaction.  When I attend to the behavior, it increases.  It doesn't matter if I scream out and try to demonstrate that I am hurt, or if I pick him up and place him away from me, or if I leave the room.  It's all a reaction to him, and he thinks they are all hysterical.  Toddlers finding humor in these reactions is pretty normal.  It's not that they are insensitive...well, wait, yes, they are insensitive.  They haven't yet developed empathy and so they don't understand your emotions no matter how much you express them.  My son doesn't understand my anger or pain, he just sees my face react in twisted agony, and apparently my son loves funny faces.  

So, what do we do?  First, we ignore.  We do not attend to behaviors that we don't want our children to do, unless of course they are dangerous and require immediate intervention.  But even then, we should intervene with less attention.  We may tell the child "no," but engaging in a big explanation about it is just more attention and we are actually patterning the child to continue to the behavior rather than extinguishing it.  Instead, we need to then redirect the child.  We need to find something the child can do positively and then give that behavior all the attention in the world.  We must turn a negative attention seeking behavior into a positive attention seeking behavior.  By teaching our children what they can and should do, we help them develop a pattern of appropriate behaviors.  When my son bites, I must teach him to kiss or blow raspberries on my arm.  When he wants to hit, my husband and I raise our hands and let him do high fives (my husband's brilliant idea!).  And when he wants to throw his toys everywhere, I help him engage in something he can do with me instead (hey, come help me take clothes out of the laundry basket or Swiffer the floors!) or direct him to something he can throw like a ball.

We also must look at ourselves.  If our children continuously engage in negative behaviors, it can mean that they need more attention from us.  It may also mean that we need to give them attention when they do something positive rather than when they do something negative.  Dr. Montessori once wrote that "The things [a child] sees are not just remembered; they form a part of his soul.”  It is in the things that we show our children how to do, rather than what not to do, that help them become conscientious and contributing members of society.

Quotable Montessori

I'm always inspired by the words of Dr. Montessori.  I thought I'd share a thought of hers each Friday :)

"We cannot know the consequences of suppressing a child's spontaneity when he is just beginning to be active. We may even suffocate life itself. That humanity which is revealed in all its intellectual splendor during the sweet and tender age of childhood should be respected with a kind of religious veneration. It is like the sun which appears at dawn or a flower just beginning to bloom. Education cannot be effective unless it helps a child to open up himself to life.”

-- Maria Montessori


(photo from FreeDigitalPhotos.net )

Playing with Dust: The Sensitive Period for Small Things

I was watching my son play with a small speck of dust on the floor today, and it reminded me of one of the most noticeable sensitive periods in children.  The sensitive period for small objects begins to appear around the age of one (or earlier/later depending on the child).  Children at this age become fixated on small objects and drawn to small details (their brains are hardwired to do so!).  Little rocks (like my son is picking up in the picture above), little objects, little pieces of dirt, they all hold a special fascination for the very young child; a fascination they will keep for the next for the next few years (if your child is four, he or she may be doing the same thing!).    My son can spend a fair amount of time pushing around and interacting with something I never would have even noticed.  He can quickly point out the discrepancies in what you may have thought was a very clean environment.  

The development of this sensitive period is the brain’s way of understanding and observing the little things that make up the world; things that adults often overlook because their brains are focused on the big picture.  For a child to ever understand the big picture, they must first deconstruct that picture down to the very smallest levels of minutia.  They must discover all the little pieces that comprise that picture. This attention to detail also contributes to the physical development of the young child.  To interact with these small objects, they must develop highly skilled coordinations of the body and hand, such as hand-eye coordination, dexterity, development of the pincer grip, and control of fine movement.  These interactions become an interplay in their minds between the discoveries of the world and the mastery of their physical abilities. 

Children at this age need time and patience from adults to encourage them to explore these little things.  It's a difficult endeavor to support, considering when they first become fascinated with these small objects, they also want to put them in their mouths.  It's difficult for adults to allow this level of exploration to happen when it can be dangerous.  When my son was younger and in the stage of putting everything into his mouth, I tried to balance letting him explore with keeping him safe.  I would let him interact with the object and only intervene when I saw his hand start towards his mouth ("out of the mouth" I would say as I pushed his hand and the object away from his mouth).  It meant I had to be vigilant, but it also meant I wasn't stifling his developmental explorations.  Now that he's older, sometimes things head towards the mouth but he hesitates and I am able to remind him to keep the object out of his mouth before he does.  

My favorite thing about this sensitive period is the impact that it can have on the adults around the child.  It’s a gift for adults to take time to remember to appreciate all those little things.  Sometimes we are so focused on the big picture, only the child's unique fascinations can remind of us of all the beautiful components of the world.

The Learn N' Turn!

I just bought this product the other day and I love it already.  My son has been showing a lot of interest in using utensils.  If I forget to give him one, he demands mine.  So, now, I always make sure to include the necessary utensils with his table setting.  However, I noticed that it's very hard for him to get the angle correct with both the spoon and the fork.  The straight line of the utensils does not allow for him to use them with any sort of ease and he gets frustrated easily.  To solve the problem, I searched the internet.  Quickly, I found the Learn N'Turn.

The Learn N' Turn is a children's utensil that allows you to clip in a fork or spoon attachment that can change angles, so not only can it assist your child with using the utensil, but as they gain in their ability you can increase the challenge until they are able to use a typical utensil.  I love the idea.  It's just a great way to help a child be successful and encourage their development of skill, as well as interest to learn that skill.

My son still needs some help getting things on the fork.  Sometimes he gets confused between the action of spooning versus the action of forking (I need to create some practical life activities for the shelf so he can practice!).  Often, I help guide his hand with the fork so that he can get something on it.

He has no problem finding his mouth, though!

This device is a fantastic idea for toddlers!  I'm not completely thrilled that it's plastic, but it is at least BPA-free.  It comes in many different colors.  I was able to purchase mine on Amazon, but you can also buy it directly from LC Pals.  For replacement parts you have to go directly to Learn N' Turn's site.

Another step on the road to independence!!

Post-Vaccination Fears and Rehabilitation

I am stressed.

My son had the MMR vaccination a week ago (on it's own and without any others) and, let's face it, no matter what you believe or don't believe, it's a scary experience.  Especially a week later when you get reactions like a fever and diarrhea (which he has).  It's terrifying to know that something you allowed to enter your child's bloodstream is now making him sick.  If you go on the internet to see what other experiences mother's have, you may find your fears alleviated, or you may find them completely ramped up.  For this reason, I never recommend going on the internet for information if you're the kind of person who believes everything that you read; you really have to be able to rationally except that not everything is true, fact-based, or statistically significant.  You have to be able to look for multiple sources to confirm information.  And, honestly, even when you know all that...it won't make you any less anxious.

What am I afraid of?  All of it...Autism, metal toxicity, vaccination damage, etc.  And while I personally believe that vaccinations do not have a causal relationship to Autism, I do believe that it's possible they make some contribution to the problem.  This isn't an anti-vaccination post or a post about vaccinations and Autism, however.  I take no official stance on the matter of vaccinations...I believe it's a personal decision every family has to make.  Yes, we are a vaccinating family (for now), but I never know if I'm doing the "right" thing.  The reality is, when choosing to vaccinate or not, you are choosing between the lesser of two evils, but you have no real confirmation of which one is the lesser evil.  Non-vaccinating leaves your child and others open to disease, while vaccinating leaves your child vulnerable to a large number of metals and toxins. There are so many opinions in both camps as to which is worse.  In the end, it's everyone-for-themselves when making that decision.  And even when you choose to vaccinate but spread them out or omit some (as we do), it doesn't make you feel any better about your decision.  I've read so much information on both sides of the debate and nothing makes me feel any closer to making a decision I can live with.  I have a hard tim trusting the allopathic medical community, and an even harder time feeling that many of the vaccinations that we give now (if I follow the CDC schedule to the letter, my son will have 5 times more vaccinations than I did) have more to do with drug company lobbying than real risk.  And so, I (and I bet many other parents) end up stressed.

So, I make the decisions I can make when it comes to vaccinating and I assume the risk and doubt my decisions.  However, there is one thing I can do.  One power I have left in this frustrating debate is that I can help my child process the vaccinations and rehabilitate his body in the aftermath.  These are the remedies I have begun using:

• Vitamins:  I'm not the biggest fan of vitamins, particularly synthetic ones.  Normally, I would choose foods that would up the vitamin levels, but for now we are going with vitamins that are sourced from "whole foods" because my son is also teething and refusing the foods I need him to eat.  I eat the foods and take the vitamins and he gets the vitamins through my breastmilk.  Each vaccination can deplete certain vitamin stores and certain vitamins can help the body process the vaccination.  For the MMR, I know that it depletes stores of Vitamin A and B6, so I have been taking those.  I have also read many studies about how Vitamin A helps the body process measles in the gut, and so I started my son on it before he even received the shot.  Vitamin C is another great vitamin to include in your regime as it helps boost immunity.  

• Probiotics:  The issues that surround vaccinations and, often, the MMR often center around the gut.  Vaccinations like the MMR include an antibiotic agent that kill good bacteria responsible for supporting the immune system to rid the body of disease (oh, the irony!).  By heavily dosing my son with probiotics before and after his injection, I can help his body replenish this much needed bacteria.  Not only will it replenish lost bacteria, but it boosts the immune system and aids in detoxing.  I already give him a probiotic daily and have simply increased the dose during this process.

• Chiropractor:  I've increased my son's visits to weekly until he's though processing the vaccination and it"s reaction in order to help his body communicate.

• Elderberry Syrup:  Elderberry helps fight viruses and support the immune system.  I already give this to my son daily, but I increased the amount during the vaccination process just as I would if he had gotten sick naturally  

• Clay Baths:  Chelation is the process of removing metal toxins from the body.  Vaccinations are full of metals and children are also exposed to an abundance of metals in the very chemical environment we have created around them.  There are internal chelation liquids for children, but I have chosen not to use those since I really don't know much about them and don't want to add anything more into my son's system.  Instead, I found a clay bath for children that draws out metal toxins.

Being proactive makes me feel better about this whole process.  I have to remember to control what I can and be vigilant about what I can't.  

How do you deal with the fears?  How do you help your child's body recuperate?

Practical Life: Being Ready For When They Are!

At sixteen months old, my son is on the move and entirely interested in getting his body going.  With the freedom of movement, it's becoming easier to see what he wants to do, what he wants to get into, and ultimately, what he wants to learn!  If it's in plain sight, I'll know if he's interested.  When I give him freedom to explore, I learn so much about his capabilities that I never realized and it reminds me of how fast children develop.  Sometimes there are experiences and interactions that I must let him have and sometimes there are experiences I must support him through.  Occasionally, there are things I need to prevent him from experiencing or keep out of his reach for safety's sake.  It's can be difficult to maintain that delicate balance of allowing, supporting, and preventing experiences; difficult to remember how to orchestrate the environment safely without being controlling.

Sometimes we forget or fail to realize that a child may be interested and ready for something long before we decide they are ready to be introduced to it.  We forget to give children opportunities and exposure to things that they might start to show interest in, or we become so worried about the messes and the clean up or safety that we avoid giving them those opportunities.  Hey, parents are only human.   The flaw can be that in our desire to keep our children "safe" or our environment "clean," we run the risk of our children missing opportunities to learn independence and skills.  When those opportunities are given at the moment children show interest in them, magical things can happen.  Children learn that we have faith in their abilities, that they can achieve things even when they are difficult, and that they can be confident in their choices.  Sometimes the smallest things have the biggest ramifications.

So how do we know when they are ready?  They show us; we just have to be prepared for the moment!  In Montessori classrooms, we give children the opportunity to learn practical life (as we call it) skills by making sure there are activities they can show interest in.  We teach children Care of the Environment and Care of Self by giving them the materials to participate in these kinds of activities.  In my house, I have begun to set up baskets of these kinds of materials for my son.  He has only occasionally shown interest in these things, but I know that by putting them out, the opportunity is there for his interest to be triggered!

First I put out a basket of things for him to care for himself.  I included a small brush and comb, a tiny toothbrush that fits on his finger, and a wash cloth for wiping his face.  These things are in a basket in front of a mirror so that he can look at himself as he cares for himself.  Some families put these things on small tables and set up a sort-of vanity, but we don't have the space for that, so I set out a small carpet square he can sit on in front of the mirror.

Next I set out a small basket of cleaning things, so that he can mimic me in activities when he is interested.  He has his own floor sweeper with dustpan, a Swiffer mop, an extra Swiffer sheet for dusting, and a towel for cleaning up things like spills.

I am beginning to build ways for my son to have more access to his eating and drinking supplies and choice over snacks.  For now, I always make sure to give him a small cup with water and a utensil.  Over time I would give him the exposure and see the reaction.  At first I gave him a small cup and he'd stick his hands in it so I would take it away and try again later.  One day, he started drinking from it.  We have always given him utensils to "play" with, and then one day he began trying to eat with it and began requesting one if he didn't have one!  In order to help him with the process I discovered the Learn N' Turn which is making using a utensil much easier for him (it allows you to change the angle as the child's ability progresses):

Sometimes there's spilling; sometimes there's breaking.  It happens.  But every instance is a learning opportunity.  The more we provide children with things to participate in the care of themselves and the home, the more connected they become to that process of care.  And we have to remember to support and prepare for those opportunities, even if it does get a little messy :)