You've heard someone say it. You know someone who has said it. You've probably said it yourself. I know, once upon a time, I did.
You need to say you're sorry.
Those words are constantly being spouted to young children by every adult around them. No matter what unacceptable move they make, they are told to say that they are sorry. They are told this from the moment they can form the word and long before they will ever be able to understand it. They are told to say it long before they are capable of meaning it. So, what is it that we claim we are teaching children when we force them to say it?
I've heard many answers for this. Most people seem to believe that it's a form of politeness; like please and thank you, it needs to be practiced. There seems to be a generally held belief that the way we teach the concept of sorry is through forcing the words and somehow we inevitably believe the concept will follow. I want to go on record here. I think this is complete nonsense.
Let's look at the word. To feel sorry means to feel regret, sympathy, pity, compunction (remorse for wrongdoing), or grieved. Now, look at those five words. Do any of us honestly believe that the young child is capable of understanding any of those words? So, how can we possibly believe that they can understand the concept of sorry? And, so, why do we keep making them say it???
You may ask at this point, what is the harm in their saying it? How else do we teach them to say sorry when they have done something unacceptable or hurtful? My answer is another question: what are we teaching them by making them say it? We are teaching them that the single utterance of a word undoes anything that they could have done. All we are telling them is that when you hurt someone or break a rule, you simply utter a word and it all goes away. All we are saying is that you do not have to right a wrong, you just have to say a word.
Using a word like sorry before you can mean it does not mean that you learn to mean it. You do not learn to empathize by continuously saying a word empty of meaning and having everything be okay. In fact, since children are not born with empathy, we are doing them a huge disservice. In the moment that we have the opportunity to teach them about the concept of empathy and remorse, we instead choose to give them a word that makes everything go away with no effort on their part. We are giving them a Get Out Of Jail Free card. And they aren't learning anything.
Instead of telling a child to say sorry, we should be focusing on showing him what has happened and that it is his responsibility to make amends. Saying sorry is not how we do that. Understanding that someone is now hurt and doing something to make them feel better is how we do that. If I punch someone and tell him sorry, does it take away his pain? No, it makes no difference whether or not I utter the word, unless I am truly expressing remorse. And I promise you, the person I punched is going to expect a lot more from me in order to express that.
It is our job to teach our children empathy, and if we do not do it consciously, we can easily end up with adults who lack empathy. I know everyone out there has met one of those adults and it is never a good thing. So don't brush away the lesson by teaching them to parrot a word. Instead, help them through the process. Ask them to look at what they have done and assess how the other person is feeling. Ask them how they feel about what they have done and how the other person is feeling. Explain to your child that now that he has hurt someone (you or anyone else), it is his responsibility to make that person feel better. Ask him what he thinks he might do to make the person feel better or direct him to ask the person what would make him feel better. Then explain to your child that he must follow through with that. It could be getting the person a glass of water, giving the person a hug, telling the person you will not do it again. These actions are what teach us to be aware of another person's feelings and how we learn to make real reparations for our wrong doings. This is how we learn empathy.
And how will your child learn the word "sorry?" Not by his own usage, but by yours. If we want our children to learn what sorry means and ultimately use the terminology, then we need to use it when we mean it. We need to make our own reparations (to them and to others) and they will learn to follow suit. It's just like please and thank you. You want them to use it, then use it yourself. You don't have to make them say "sorry," they'll figure out when it's used and what it's used for. What you have to do is teach them how to feel sorry.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
There Are No Bad Babies (Or Children)
I've been hearing a statement a lot lately that has been driving me nuts: "Is he a good baby?" I smile and hide my contempt at the idea by responding by asking what the person means. Usually it is a question about how he sleeps or whether or not he's happy. When my son is smiling, people usually tell me what a good baby he is.
So here's MY question. What is a bad baby? For that matter, what is a bad child? Why do we do such a disservice to children by qualifying their actions as good or bad? Young children don't have the moral ability to understand the difference between good and bad. All they can do is understand the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior by interpreting an adult's reaction, and so their behavior is largely dependent upon the responses of their primary caregivers. Their actions are neither good nor bad, they just are. It's then up to the adults to help guide those behaviors.
Babies, on the other hand, are not even capable of differentiating between acceptable and unacceptable. They simply follow their instincts; they just act (or not act). In Montessori, we call this the unconscious absorbent mind, and the child's mind will continue in this state until about three years old. During this stage, the mind is merely programmed to follow its own instincts, to almost absentmindedly explore the world and process whatever it it interacts with. The child does not have the will to control these actions, nor the consciousness to direct them. They are following whims. And those whims are responsible for the child's amazing ability to learn. They learn how to walk, talk, move, and categorize the world in the most fascinating way. And this method is under no one's control. The only person who has any control is the adult who controls the environment in which the child interacts. And even then, they cannot truly control the way the child impulsively experiences it. It is this quality of the infant human's mind that allows for the foundation of the amazing brains that make humans so unique as a species.
What's even more interesting (and frustrating) to me, is the idea that qualities of a child such as sleep or mood can be considered good or bad. Sleep is a result of a child's biological needs and responses, as is mood. Usually a child having a hard time with either one of these is a result of a biological need or medical concern. It has nothing to do with the "goodness" of the child.
I agree that behaviors, impulses, and biological needs of a child can be more difficult than easy to deal with, but that response says more about the adult than the child really. Nothing about raising a child is always easy or always difficult; every child is unique and has a combination of easy and difficult behaviors. But, difficult is not bad. And easy is not good. I wish that we would take this words out of our vocabulary when we interact with children. It is not fair for us to qualify who they are before they even had the chance to create that person. It's unfair that from the very beginning we are judging children on a scale that has more to do with our own desires for less work and less changes in our own lives. And it's unfair to a mother or father who are working so hard to help their child through any and all behaviors to make them think that there is something wrong with the child who needs extra help or attention. Children are who they are. And that is not a bad thing. They might need extra help or a little more patience. They might need medical intervention or a change in diet. They might need a little more understanding or a little more attention. A child who's having a hard time or giving a hard time is a child who just needs more assistance.
In my classroom, we write the word bad on pieces of paper and everyone gets one. And then we rip it up and throw it in the trash. We don't need the word bad, because children are not bad. Every one of them is amazing and wonderful. Sometimes they make choices that are unacceptable, or they have behaviors that are difficult. But, that just means they need more help, more attention, or more love. There are NO bad children. So please, throw the word "bad" away.
So here's MY question. What is a bad baby? For that matter, what is a bad child? Why do we do such a disservice to children by qualifying their actions as good or bad? Young children don't have the moral ability to understand the difference between good and bad. All they can do is understand the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior by interpreting an adult's reaction, and so their behavior is largely dependent upon the responses of their primary caregivers. Their actions are neither good nor bad, they just are. It's then up to the adults to help guide those behaviors.
Babies, on the other hand, are not even capable of differentiating between acceptable and unacceptable. They simply follow their instincts; they just act (or not act). In Montessori, we call this the unconscious absorbent mind, and the child's mind will continue in this state until about three years old. During this stage, the mind is merely programmed to follow its own instincts, to almost absentmindedly explore the world and process whatever it it interacts with. The child does not have the will to control these actions, nor the consciousness to direct them. They are following whims. And those whims are responsible for the child's amazing ability to learn. They learn how to walk, talk, move, and categorize the world in the most fascinating way. And this method is under no one's control. The only person who has any control is the adult who controls the environment in which the child interacts. And even then, they cannot truly control the way the child impulsively experiences it. It is this quality of the infant human's mind that allows for the foundation of the amazing brains that make humans so unique as a species.
What's even more interesting (and frustrating) to me, is the idea that qualities of a child such as sleep or mood can be considered good or bad. Sleep is a result of a child's biological needs and responses, as is mood. Usually a child having a hard time with either one of these is a result of a biological need or medical concern. It has nothing to do with the "goodness" of the child.
I agree that behaviors, impulses, and biological needs of a child can be more difficult than easy to deal with, but that response says more about the adult than the child really. Nothing about raising a child is always easy or always difficult; every child is unique and has a combination of easy and difficult behaviors. But, difficult is not bad. And easy is not good. I wish that we would take this words out of our vocabulary when we interact with children. It is not fair for us to qualify who they are before they even had the chance to create that person. It's unfair that from the very beginning we are judging children on a scale that has more to do with our own desires for less work and less changes in our own lives. And it's unfair to a mother or father who are working so hard to help their child through any and all behaviors to make them think that there is something wrong with the child who needs extra help or attention. Children are who they are. And that is not a bad thing. They might need extra help or a little more patience. They might need medical intervention or a change in diet. They might need a little more understanding or a little more attention. A child who's having a hard time or giving a hard time is a child who just needs more assistance.
In my classroom, we write the word bad on pieces of paper and everyone gets one. And then we rip it up and throw it in the trash. We don't need the word bad, because children are not bad. Every one of them is amazing and wonderful. Sometimes they make choices that are unacceptable, or they have behaviors that are difficult. But, that just means they need more help, more attention, or more love. There are NO bad children. So please, throw the word "bad" away.
Bed-Sharing: I'm Not On The Defensive Anymore
MY SON SLEEPS IN MY BED!
Yes, I said it. Loud and proud, I'm saying it. And, the truth is, I'm tired of feeling like I need to defend it. Why should my choice as a parent be seen as negative? What's wrong with bed-sharing (also known as co-sleeping)?!
Let me start by telling you what prompted this little (?) outburst of mine. I was on a walk with my ten month old son and decided to take the circuit that goes past the school where I used to teach. I wanted to visit my former coworkers and students. So when we pulled up, we got plenty of excitement about how fast my son is growing and all sorts of questions. Somehow it came up that my son sleeps with us. One of the responses: "oh, you better nip that in the bud!"
My instant emotional response was to become irate, but I blew past it. And, I'm glad I did, because the two other teachers on the playground (NOT American by birth or culture, but from Eastern countries) had both bed-shared (one still does with her four year old). Quickly the conversation turned to praise for the bond and security felt by children AND parents who bed share.
So, why, in America, is it so commonplace to think that bed sharing is not only terrible, but something you can openly critique about another parent's choices? Why is my statement about bed sharing met with the same response as if I had announced that my son bites others (or something equally inappropriate)? I don't really have the answer, but my guess is that it's related to certain Victorian attitudes about children that continue to be pervasive in our society (thanks for the idea, Mom!). So let's put our fears and preconceptions aside and really think about bed sharing for a moment.
Bed sharing isn't anything new. It was done in most parts of the world, including our own, up until the nineteenth century shift to the crib. Today, despite it's negative perception in the US, it's a common place practice in most parts of the world (particularly Asia and Africa). And studies have shown that it's often done in the US at some point (more often that not), it's just not talked about. It's becoming more popular as more parents come out of the bed-sharing "closet."
Additionally, studies have found no I'll effects to children resulting from bed sharing. It affects neither their intellectual development nor their behavior. The studies have shown no difference between children who have shared sleep with parents and children who haven't in these areas.
Then, why is the American Academy of Pediatrics against bed-sharing under the age of one? I think this decision on their part is a logical one when you considered that policy is usually made when considering the least responsible person. You don't really want to advocate for something that could go horribly wrong when not done right. Many parents use sleep aids, have high beds, or are overly sound sleepers. Bed sharing can be unsafe in these conditions. When facing that reality, the institution doesn't want to support something they can't guarantee all parents will do right. Most pediatricians, however, will support it on a case by case basis. Are you being safe? Do you have preventative methods for keeping baby from falling out of bed? Do you sleep lightly enough so that you don't roll on baby? Do you refrain from sleep aids or substances that lower your cognition at night (like alcohol)? These questions can determine whether safe bed-sharing is being practiced under age one. Unless you can do it safely, you shouldn't do it at all. But, if you are safe and conscious in your decision (there's a wealth of information on the Internet and on Dr. Sears' website on how to share a bed safely), the benefits can be great.
Before I say anything about bed sharing benefits, I want to make it clear that I'm not going from the anti-bedsharing stance to the opposite extreme; I'm not saying everyone should bed share. I don't believe there are one-size fits all options for any aspect of parenting or living, for that matter. It may not work for every parent or every child, and there is nothing wrong with that. I think what matters for families is that parents do what works for both themselves and their child, and the options vary greatly.
I do believe that bed sharing is a positive option for all parents. If it works for you, you shouldn't have to feel ashamed. You shouldn't have to feel like you are doing anything wrong. Because, the truth is, there isn't anything wrong with it; you're not going to mess up your kids. And you just maybe getting something wonderful out of it too.
So, what's so great about bed sharing? For starters, it is an incredible time to bond with your child. It can be especially beneficial if you work all day and your child is away from you; it can really extend the amount of time you have to be close to your child. For me, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and it's wonderful to just watch my son sleep. And when he reaches out for me to stroke my face and check that I'm there before falling back to sleep, I feel an overwhelming sense of love. It's wonderful.
Bed sharing can also ease a parent's fears. For me, I have a hard time with the idea of my son sleeping away from me at his age. Especially when he was younger; the risk of SIDS was just too much for me to be comfortable with. Even now, I sleep better just knowing he's safe. There are arguments that bed sharing increases the risk for SIDS but I only think that can be related to unsafe bed sharing. In fact, Dr. Sears actually hypothesizes (and research is being done to look into this) that SIDS risk is actually reduced by safe bed sharing. His own studies, while not thorough enough to be considered conclusive, found that the babies he studied had more regular and safer breathing patterns when mom and baby slept together.
Bed sharing can mean healthy babies. When mom and baby sleep together, breastfeeding is easier to do more frequently at night without anyone really having to wake much. Babies who have this extra milk often thrive physically which affects them positively both emotionally and intellectually. Additionally, if baby sleeps better in this manner, then baby sleeps more, and sleep is extremely beneficial to health.
Some children sleep better next to you. This is ultimately the reason that my husband and I chose bed-sharing. It was not the choice we originally intended (best laid plans, right?). Some children sleep fine on their own from the start (maybe they fuss a few minutes but they fall asleep), and if yours does, you've probably never had to even consider this. But our son does not sleep well on his own and he does not fuss gently but rather begins to scream and panic. We started with him on his own but near us. He did better when he was swaddled, but when that no longer worked for him, nothing was going to help him sleep. He was waking up every 20-45 minutes. I thought I was going to go insane. Being adamantly against sleep training, I had no idea what to do and I was so upset every time he woke. My husband finally told me to bring him in bed (which we knew worked from brief times I brought him in during the mornings), because we needed me to get some sleep. It worked. In the end, I know that I sleep better for it, and a lot of mothers have reported the same.
Many people might argue that a child needs to learn to sleep alone, and they need to do it early. Sleep trainers will advocate letting a child stress and cry themselves to sleep (and just so you know, this won't train every kid) just to make this point. But me, I think it's detrimental and fundamentally hypocritical. How many parents force their child to sleep alone and then return to their own beds where they sleep with a spouse?! We all become adults who seek that nighttime comfort from each other. So why should there be something wrong with a child who wants the same thing? Children are different, and if your child has the kind of temperament that requires this level of closeness, I don't think that's a negative. It may make him different. In our case, I love that my son is different. And I'd rather respect that than fight to make him like everyone else.
With all these great advantages, there are some disadvantages, although not always the ones people think. I don't believe that it's a disadvantage to intimacy, because there are plenty of other rooms to be intimate in. What I do think can be a disadvantage for some parents is that during that first year or so, your child needs YOU at night. It's harder to just get a babysitter at night or leave your child for a week. So, it can depend on you and what you want as a parent. For me, giving up the nightlife has been little of an issue; I'll get it back (sort of) one day. And I'm not all that comfortable with leaving him yet anyway. My husband and I have decided to make "date night" a long Sunday brunch at this restaurant we love, and that's all we really need!
So, in the end, I'm not ashamed that bed sharing was the route we ended up taking. I remain a firm believer in "follow the child." And it's clear, this is what my child needs.
I won't sit in the bed sharing closet; I'm out and I'm proud. Who's with me?
Yes, I said it. Loud and proud, I'm saying it. And, the truth is, I'm tired of feeling like I need to defend it. Why should my choice as a parent be seen as negative? What's wrong with bed-sharing (also known as co-sleeping)?!
Let me start by telling you what prompted this little (?) outburst of mine. I was on a walk with my ten month old son and decided to take the circuit that goes past the school where I used to teach. I wanted to visit my former coworkers and students. So when we pulled up, we got plenty of excitement about how fast my son is growing and all sorts of questions. Somehow it came up that my son sleeps with us. One of the responses: "oh, you better nip that in the bud!"
My instant emotional response was to become irate, but I blew past it. And, I'm glad I did, because the two other teachers on the playground (NOT American by birth or culture, but from Eastern countries) had both bed-shared (one still does with her four year old). Quickly the conversation turned to praise for the bond and security felt by children AND parents who bed share.
So, why, in America, is it so commonplace to think that bed sharing is not only terrible, but something you can openly critique about another parent's choices? Why is my statement about bed sharing met with the same response as if I had announced that my son bites others (or something equally inappropriate)? I don't really have the answer, but my guess is that it's related to certain Victorian attitudes about children that continue to be pervasive in our society (thanks for the idea, Mom!). So let's put our fears and preconceptions aside and really think about bed sharing for a moment.
Bed sharing isn't anything new. It was done in most parts of the world, including our own, up until the nineteenth century shift to the crib. Today, despite it's negative perception in the US, it's a common place practice in most parts of the world (particularly Asia and Africa). And studies have shown that it's often done in the US at some point (more often that not), it's just not talked about. It's becoming more popular as more parents come out of the bed-sharing "closet."
Additionally, studies have found no I'll effects to children resulting from bed sharing. It affects neither their intellectual development nor their behavior. The studies have shown no difference between children who have shared sleep with parents and children who haven't in these areas.
Then, why is the American Academy of Pediatrics against bed-sharing under the age of one? I think this decision on their part is a logical one when you considered that policy is usually made when considering the least responsible person. You don't really want to advocate for something that could go horribly wrong when not done right. Many parents use sleep aids, have high beds, or are overly sound sleepers. Bed sharing can be unsafe in these conditions. When facing that reality, the institution doesn't want to support something they can't guarantee all parents will do right. Most pediatricians, however, will support it on a case by case basis. Are you being safe? Do you have preventative methods for keeping baby from falling out of bed? Do you sleep lightly enough so that you don't roll on baby? Do you refrain from sleep aids or substances that lower your cognition at night (like alcohol)? These questions can determine whether safe bed-sharing is being practiced under age one. Unless you can do it safely, you shouldn't do it at all. But, if you are safe and conscious in your decision (there's a wealth of information on the Internet and on Dr. Sears' website on how to share a bed safely), the benefits can be great.
Before I say anything about bed sharing benefits, I want to make it clear that I'm not going from the anti-bedsharing stance to the opposite extreme; I'm not saying everyone should bed share. I don't believe there are one-size fits all options for any aspect of parenting or living, for that matter. It may not work for every parent or every child, and there is nothing wrong with that. I think what matters for families is that parents do what works for both themselves and their child, and the options vary greatly.
I do believe that bed sharing is a positive option for all parents. If it works for you, you shouldn't have to feel ashamed. You shouldn't have to feel like you are doing anything wrong. Because, the truth is, there isn't anything wrong with it; you're not going to mess up your kids. And you just maybe getting something wonderful out of it too.
So, what's so great about bed sharing? For starters, it is an incredible time to bond with your child. It can be especially beneficial if you work all day and your child is away from you; it can really extend the amount of time you have to be close to your child. For me, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and it's wonderful to just watch my son sleep. And when he reaches out for me to stroke my face and check that I'm there before falling back to sleep, I feel an overwhelming sense of love. It's wonderful.
Bed sharing can also ease a parent's fears. For me, I have a hard time with the idea of my son sleeping away from me at his age. Especially when he was younger; the risk of SIDS was just too much for me to be comfortable with. Even now, I sleep better just knowing he's safe. There are arguments that bed sharing increases the risk for SIDS but I only think that can be related to unsafe bed sharing. In fact, Dr. Sears actually hypothesizes (and research is being done to look into this) that SIDS risk is actually reduced by safe bed sharing. His own studies, while not thorough enough to be considered conclusive, found that the babies he studied had more regular and safer breathing patterns when mom and baby slept together.
Bed sharing can mean healthy babies. When mom and baby sleep together, breastfeeding is easier to do more frequently at night without anyone really having to wake much. Babies who have this extra milk often thrive physically which affects them positively both emotionally and intellectually. Additionally, if baby sleeps better in this manner, then baby sleeps more, and sleep is extremely beneficial to health.
Some children sleep better next to you. This is ultimately the reason that my husband and I chose bed-sharing. It was not the choice we originally intended (best laid plans, right?). Some children sleep fine on their own from the start (maybe they fuss a few minutes but they fall asleep), and if yours does, you've probably never had to even consider this. But our son does not sleep well on his own and he does not fuss gently but rather begins to scream and panic. We started with him on his own but near us. He did better when he was swaddled, but when that no longer worked for him, nothing was going to help him sleep. He was waking up every 20-45 minutes. I thought I was going to go insane. Being adamantly against sleep training, I had no idea what to do and I was so upset every time he woke. My husband finally told me to bring him in bed (which we knew worked from brief times I brought him in during the mornings), because we needed me to get some sleep. It worked. In the end, I know that I sleep better for it, and a lot of mothers have reported the same.
Many people might argue that a child needs to learn to sleep alone, and they need to do it early. Sleep trainers will advocate letting a child stress and cry themselves to sleep (and just so you know, this won't train every kid) just to make this point. But me, I think it's detrimental and fundamentally hypocritical. How many parents force their child to sleep alone and then return to their own beds where they sleep with a spouse?! We all become adults who seek that nighttime comfort from each other. So why should there be something wrong with a child who wants the same thing? Children are different, and if your child has the kind of temperament that requires this level of closeness, I don't think that's a negative. It may make him different. In our case, I love that my son is different. And I'd rather respect that than fight to make him like everyone else.
With all these great advantages, there are some disadvantages, although not always the ones people think. I don't believe that it's a disadvantage to intimacy, because there are plenty of other rooms to be intimate in. What I do think can be a disadvantage for some parents is that during that first year or so, your child needs YOU at night. It's harder to just get a babysitter at night or leave your child for a week. So, it can depend on you and what you want as a parent. For me, giving up the nightlife has been little of an issue; I'll get it back (sort of) one day. And I'm not all that comfortable with leaving him yet anyway. My husband and I have decided to make "date night" a long Sunday brunch at this restaurant we love, and that's all we really need!
So, in the end, I'm not ashamed that bed sharing was the route we ended up taking. I remain a firm believer in "follow the child." And it's clear, this is what my child needs.
I won't sit in the bed sharing closet; I'm out and I'm proud. Who's with me?
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Do Newborns Have Their Own Language?!
This video is a segment Oprah aired about a woman named Priscilla Dunstan who claims to have discovered a language found in all newborns. This theory is now referred to as Dunstan Baby Language.
Dunstan, having special hearing abilities from birth, discovered that her son made very distinct sounds every time he had a certain need. The sounds were made before a full cry (which was only reached when the need was not understood or responded too). She soon began to realize other babies were making these sounds. Not their own sounds, but the exact same ones. She identified five "words" for five different needs: hunger (neh), discomfort/changing (heh), sleepiness (owh), gas pain (eairh), and burping (eh).
Dunstan has her own website where she offers products (somewhere between $50 and $70) and classes that help parents respond to these "words." I'm not sure about the research on this; most of it appears to have been her own, although her site states that she's been working with different universities. A thorough Internet search doesn't find any research besides her own out there. Some parents give it rave reviews and others claim their child isn't making different sounds. According to news articles they were supposed to do clinical trials with Brown University but chose to work on creating and marketing a product instead. With regard to lack of outside research, it seems similar to Dr. Karp's Happiest Baby on the Block. Again, some swear by it while others claim it doesn't help at all. Is the science invalid or are some parents doing it wrong? Hard to say. Happiest Baby taught me a few things that really helped calm my son.
I think Dunstan's idea of it is definitely interesting and thought-provoking. It speaks to the idea that babies seem to understand each other. The language, she says, only applies to newborns, though, and children seem to lose the words after three months. She mentions in the video that some children might retain the words if their needs are consistently met when they make the sound. I only wish I'd learned this sooner so I could have listened for it with my son. Maybe the next one?!
Anyone have any experiences with this?
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