When Are You Going To Stop Breastfeeding?

"So, when do you plan on weaning him?"

I hear this question a lot.  Occasionally it feels like judgement, but most of the time it just feels like curiosity.  People are always imagining how they might feel if they were in your situation, and wondering how you feel about it too.  Honestly?  I have no idea.

If you asked me this question nearly two years ago, I would have emphatically told you that I would breastfeed for the first year, certainly, but after that I really couldn't imagine I'd go any further...maybe, I would.  If you asked me this question a year ago, I would have told you probably until a year and a half, but I really can't see myself breastfeeding past 18 months.  If you asked me this question six months ago, I would have told you that we'd gear up to wean in the next few months because I really can't see myself breastfeeding past two.

In five weeks, my son will turn two years old.  As of yet, we are not weaning.  As you can see, all those previous statements are solely from my perspective.  The reality is, there's a very clear answer to the question, and it has nothing to do with me:

"Ask him."

When I began this parenting journey, I had one clear path in mind: I was going to follow my child, wherever that might lead.  I think, so far, one thing I can attest to is that I have.  I was not aware when I made this Montessori oath to myself, that my child's path would always take us places much less travelled.  From the first month (day one, really), everything about him was different than many of my friends' children.  You couldn't put him down (ever, seriously, not even in the hospital), he quickly refused all forms of bottle or pacifier, and he was very, very, fussy.  Breastfeeding has always been his greatest comfort.  For a child who is so easily panicked, breastfeeding is the easiest method of relaxation.

I am not a cry-it-out parent, I am a follow-the-child parent.  When I say that, I don't mean my child never cries.  When he has a tantrum, he cries.  When we both get frustrated, he cries.  No still means no in our household, but my job is to mitigate the situation and help him through it.  Yes, he can't run with the scissors, but it doesn't mean it's the end of the world, I show him another way that can make him happy.  Our life is not a war, battles do not need to be won and fought.  We have to work together.

That said, self-weaning truly feels like the best way to follow my son.  I don't want this bond to break and this solace to end by force.  But, I'm not going to lie, it worries me a lot.  It's another reality of walking a path and not being able to see around the bend.  It's all an act of faith.  But it's hard, because while he loves it and is not ready to give it up, I can feel that I am closer to giving it up.  There are moments when we are out and about or I am doing something and breastfeeding is not what I would like to shift my attention to.  I can't breastfeed forever!

On the other hand, breastfeeding still has some amazing advantages that I almost feel sorry for other mothers at times (and please know I say that without judgment, there are many moments these same moms may feel sorry for me getting kicked in the face during a round of toddler breastfeeding acrobatics) who cannot or no longer breastfeed.  Children of the unconscious absorbent mind, the first three years of life, are still very much infants and they are ultimately reactive rather than purposeful.  There's no reasoning with a child of this age.  Breastfeeding a toddler can often making those tired falling-apart moments calmer, teething a little easier, and illness a little more comforted (not to mention I know he's getting my antibodies to help him fight said illness).  I never have to worry about my son's nutrition because if he's not eating the green vegetables on his plate this week, at least I am and so he's going to get some of it anyway.  When his recent ear infection flared and garlic-mullein drops were only getting us so far (don't make me mention the failed course of amoxicillin I refused to repeat), it was after the introduction of garlic pills into my diet that he stopped grabbing his ear.  Wind my son up on an airplane, and breastfeeding can still calm him back down, facilitate sleep, and prevent that ear pressure from building up.  When I remind myself of all these things, I certainly don't feel pressed to force him to stop; in fact, it makes me glad that we still can and do breastfeed.

I think a lot of my thoughts about weaning are more driven by the undertone of societal pressure, that there are people who think I should stop (although, I know I am fortunate that no one ever says anything like this to me).  The other times it's because breastfeeding a toddler is NOT easy.  It is frequently inconvenient, occasionally uncomfortable, and often a damper on any hope of a social life (my son is still far more comforted by me than anyone else because I can breastfeed him; and he nurses to sleep, still unable to fall asleep without it).  These days, when my son wants to breastfeed, I will come up with some other ideas that he might like also (are you hungry and need food; are you bored and need help finding an activity; are you thirsty?).  But when all else fails, I do not deny him and truthfully, I don't want to.  I want this part of our relationship to finish its course because he's ready, and I know, one day not too long from now, he will be (KellyMom will tell you that the average child self-weans not long from now).  We are already nursing much less than ever before, and I continue to show him there are many other ways to get comfort and his needs met, but as long as it's important to him, it's important to me.

When I worry that self-weaning will never happen or take much longer than I am comfortable with, worrying that I will ultimately have to force it when it gets too much, I search the internet and am comforted by the stories of other mothers.  Stories like those of Dirty Diaper Laundry, Melissa (found on KellyMom), The Parent Vortex, and the truly awesome Mayim Bialik (also here), remind me that I am not alone, I am not making crazy choices, I have options, and I can follow my heart (and my child).  The life of breastfeeding a toddler can feel very lonely, at least for me, and it's the stories of amazing women who stand up for their choices that make me proud to stand up for mine.  

And so, when people ask me when we are going to wean, for now I will tell them: "ask him."  Because it's his needs that tell me where to go.

{{ If you have a wonderful extended breastfeeding story (or any breastfeeding story at all), please share with me!! }}