Developing the Will

We've all heard or said it before: oh that child is so willful! In fact, the term will is often used with children. And, by used, I really mean misused.

So, let us define "will:" the capability of conscious choice and decision and intention. Those are some very big words to describe the actions of such little people. Conscious implies a level of knowledge, awareness, and perception. Intent refers to an anticipated outcome. All of these abstract ideas are only beginning to take form in the brain of a young child. Choice, awareness, and perception, are things learned with time and experience. A child is not born with any of these abilities.

Often times, we confuse will with interest and exploration in young children. Children develop interest before they develop much else. They are drawn to explore these interests because that's how they learn, and children are pre-programmed to learn. Every action they engage in is solely aimed at exploration for the sake of information.

As children grow, they begin to develop a will through developing conscious choice. However, this process will take decades. This process becomes the foundation for self-control, self-discipline, and intended action. It is achieved through the child's actions of being drawn towards his interests, exploring the outcomes of his experience, and then slowly learning to make choices out of these experiences. The reality is that what we deem as willful action is often exactly the opposite; it is action that will inevitably develop the will and it is action resulting from not yet having a will.

The development of the will is essential to the understanding of how we intervene in our child's lives and how we look at discipline. The problem for many parents lies in the fact that they misjudge their child's intentions. They add abstract abilities to the child's thinking that do not and cannot yet exist. I think much of this stems from the facts that adults think children are willful and that the will must be broken to achieve obedience. Dr. Montessori wrote "“The power to obey is the last phase in the development of the will, which in its turn has made obedience possible."

The reality is, the will must be developed, not broken. You cannot break what does not yet exist. Obedience and proper decision making are part of a developmental process that takes time and cannot be forced or expected. Only when you help a child to develop a will, then you will help them learn to make choices. Then, and only then, can you teach them which choices are acceptable.

So how do we encourage and guide the development and direction of the will? We do this by encouraging choice. Instead of using disciplinary methods that force your child to conform to a single line of action (yours), come up with choices (when possible) you can live with and your child can begin to exercise his decision making abilities.

Be understanding with your child; the decisions he makes are based on impulsivity and curiosity, not defiance. Even a child's temper tantrums are derived from confusion and misunderstanding, not some manipulative or calculated ploy. This doesn't mean give in, but simply means that patience and understanding are essential to dealing with these kinds of behaviors.

The biggest problem with traditional punishment is that it lacks compassion. It assumes the child is "bad" for doing something, and so it makes the child feel that way. Instead, set your child up for success or design consequences that are logical or natural to the problem, therein no longer making discipline about doing what you say but about making acceptable choices. For example, if a child breaks something or makes a mess, have him assist in cleaning it up (or clean it himself if old enough). The very breaking and cleaning is enough of a consequence for the action. If your child is demanding something by crying, give him a way to calm himself down and ask again (invite him to sit down somewhere and stop crying and tell him you will let him have it or something he can have when he stops crying). Giving children small ways to gather control of themselves or resolve a problem aids in the development of the will.

Extremely young children (like my ten month old) have no developed will at all, only interest and impulsivity. To assume this young mind is trying to manipulate you is completely insensitive considering that mind lacks any form of control. Young children simply explore and all we can do is assist them in the process, showing them WHAT they can explore.

So, when you think about how head strong your little one seems, please understand that he is only at the beginning of a process that will allow him to control himself or his actions. Impulsivity, hyperactivity, and frustration are signs of a child who has NOT developed a will, and not the other way around. The will is not a negative thing. It is the very thing that makes us human; it is the ability to make choices and understand the outcomes.