The Problem With "No!": Positive Communication

I want to start out by saying, this is not a post against the concept of "no." This post is about the word itself.

While there are many times that it is essential that we communicate to our children that they may not do or have something, there is an inherent problem with using the word "no" to make that communication. The problem with the word is that it doesn't have enough information; it's a set-up for failure. The problem with "no" is that it tells children what not to do instead of what they could do instead.

Imagine that you are an architect. You've been asked to design a building, so you do. Your client comes in, takes one look at it and says "no, that's not what I want; try again." He walks out the door. What information do you now have to do your job? Hardly any? All you know is that what you've chosen is wrong, but where do you go from there when the possibilities are endless?

It's the same with parenting. Consider yourself the client and your child the architect. You have to explain what it is that you want. But more that that, as you lay the boundaries of the world and society on your child (which is essential), you must help your child learn what he CAN do within those boundaries. If you don't tell him, he's gonna keep making it up, and he has no idea what's acceptable.

It's as simple as "please walk" instead of "don't run;" or "hold my hand in the street," instead of "don't run out into the street." Every negative can be turned into a positive if you just think about what you want your child to do instead of what you don't want him to do. Children often choose unacceptable behaviors because they just can't think of what to do instead. Or they simply forget in the heat of the moment. Repetition of the rules is far more effective than yelling negatives at your child.

The average one year old hears the word "no" more than 400 times a day. That's a lot of time that could be spent trying to help engage the child in something constructive. If your child has gotten to a place where you are now saying "no," then consider how he got there. If he's an infant, should you have been watching him and redirected him before he got there? Is it something you can simply redirect? If it's an older child, are you in a scenario where it might have helped to remind her of the rules before you got to this point? What can you ask her to do instead?

They key to this mindset is: what can you help your child figure out to do instead? When my son wants to go in the dog's water bowl, I put it on top of the counter before he gets it and give him something else to do (sometimes I put water in a different bowl he can play with). When he's got a dirty diaper and he wants to reach his hands down while I'm changing him, i move his hands up and say "hands up." Another example is if your child is running around the grocery store, you can enlist him to put the groceries in the cart or have him push the cart instead. Children need to be occupied, so take a role in helping your child occupy himself.

It's not that parents can never say "no." The reality is, we all get kind of hardwired that way. I try not to say it, but it just flies out of my mouth. So, now, instead of seeing it as a disciplinary tactic, I see it as a reminder to myself that I need to be parenting; I need to occupy my child, interact with my child, or teach my child something. For me, "no" is a reminder that the world is a big place and I've gotta help my little guy figure out what he CAN do.