The Only Parenting Book I Didn't Want to Throw In the Trash

I bought many parenting books when I was pregnant. I read them and took them to heart.

And then, I had a baby.

Between my instincts and my experience with children, as well as my knowledge about child development, I went from listening to ignoring. The ideas sounded like they could work for some...just not on my high-needs child. Methods I found in many books just didn't work for me or him.

Now, I have found many medical/holistic books helpful. Books that tell you about how to deal with colds or rashes, etc. have been a great reference for me. All of Dr. Sears' books have been helpful, particularly The Baby Bookand The Sleep Book. These books are both medical and developmental. Additionally, Natural Baby and Childcareby Dr. Lauren Feder has been extremely helpful for non-western medicine options. I think these books are great for new parents. With all my knowledge about development, I'm still not a doctor nor do I know about infants extensively, and there are always questions surfacing.

It was all the other books that drove me nuts. Any books that referenced sleep training became particularly annoying. Any questions about sleep that I have, I end up referencing Dr. Sears' books. I'm far more comfortable with the attachment parenting perspective on sleep when it comes to my child. I felt like a lot of the books I was reading assumed how children are all the same or should be. Hardly any books (outside of Dr. Sears' books) even seem to take into account that each child is different. If parenting is about following the child, and I do believe it is, then we need parenting books that teach us how to make observations and find solutions based on our child's own needs. Information about development and how it relates to your child is the most helpful, coupled with ideas on how to work with your child. Parenting books that make grand generalizations or put parenting into the perspective that there's only one way to do things only make many of us feel confused or shamed that we are doing the wrong thing even though our instincts say otherwise. My biggest issue with so many of these books is that they want to baby train. The problem with baby training, in my opinion, is that not only does it fail to be sensitive to a child's developmental needs but it also fails to teach parents how to parent. The best way to work with a child is to observe his needs, interests, and emotions, and help him achieve safety, independence, and confidence within that framework. I feel that baby training fails to do this and instead steals confidence from our children by forcing rather than assisting.

Enter the only book I didn't throw in the trash: What Babies Say Before They Can Talk. This book discusses the nine researched infant emotional signals. These nine signals (interest, enjoyment, surprise, distress, fear, disgust, dissmell, shame, and anger) are they framework for reading and understanding your child. The great thing about this book is that it does more than show you how to observe these emotional experiences in your child; it also shows you how to make parenting decisions based on what you see. It's a parenting arsenal in that it gives you tools rather than tells you one way of handling something. In terms of following the child, it's somewhat of a legend to your child's map.

As a Montessorian, I am trained to make observations of children and then formulate ways of working with them from my observations. Reading this book, I saw that the authors made a lot of suggestions I myself would make and so I knew they were coming at this from the same perspective I am. Still, they were able to teach me so much more. Once you understand and can observe the nine signals, they show you how to validate your child's emotions and react to them. The verbal validation is really striking and it has really helped me understand how to soothe or redirect my child patiently while still accepting his emotional experience. Validating a child's emotions is crucial to helping them learn to trust themselves and their decisions.

I highly recommend this book, and it's the first book I ever recommend to anyone who asks. If you ever wanted support in understanding your child, it can definitely give it to you. And what I like is that is factual, not judgmental.

Anyone else know of a great book helping you follow your child?