What IS A Complete Family?

When you get to be eight months pregnant, it becomes an open topic of conversation you must have with strangers.  No longer do they glance at you silently, wondering but not daring to ask; their glances turn into outright questions and remarks.  Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining, entirely.  It's wonderful to hear "what a lovely pregnant belly."  Extremely bizarre, yes, but nice all the same.

The remarks vary from gracious and thoughtful congratulations to various types of questions.  Any given conversation, however, can meander it's way to the discovery that I'm having a girl.  And then, I almost always hear the same thing.  Let me give you a recent example:

Shoe Salesman: That's a boy, too *pointing at my large belly and gesturing towards my son*

Me: Actually, it's a girl; turns out I carry them all the same *recognizing that I'm carrying my girl like a basketball, just as I did my son, and gladly debunking that old wives tale*

Shoe Salesman: Ah, a complete family *smiling at my apparent great fortune*

Me: *dumbfounded look, weak smile, and no response*

There it is again: a "complete" family.  To me, this is the strangest remark, thought, utterance, (whatever).  What is a complete family???  Had I said she was a boy, would he have felt sorry for me?  Would my family be incomplete?  Would we be forever doomed to a life of incompletion because my husband and I decided that whether this child was a boy or girl, we don't plan on having more than two children?

I've heard this phrase so many times, even from family members. I know it is meant to be a celebration for my job well done (please detect sarcasm), but why do we go around perpetuating the idea that, unless you have one of each, then you are incomplete?  Why is one of each "better?"  And why is it okay to say something like that...aloud?

I googled "complete family" and no Wikipedia definition popped up.  There is no source to tell me where this idea derives.  If you click for the images, though, you don't find scores of families with a son and a daughter.  You find pictures of all kinds of families.  And they are all beautiful.  Dare I say...complete?

I wonder if perhaps people think I am getting the opportunity to experience raising both a girl and a boy, which are each a unique parenting experience.  But, why is that considered more valuable and uniques than the alternatives; thus, the idea of completeness?  I have many friends with two boys or two girls, etc.  They will get to see and support incredible sibling relationships: squabbles, closeness, jealousy, competition, empathy, and companionship that only two siblings of the same gender can experience.  They learn the uniqueness of their children in a special way, because they know its so much more than gender differences.  I have friends with only one child who have the wonderful experience of being able to give their child their full attention and never have to feel guilty that one is getting more than the other.  They have a special and amazing bond with their child.  Each of these parent's experience is like every other parent's experience: valuable, unique, and yes, complete.  Do they need to keep trying to achieve the opposite gender in order to have a fulfilling family experience? Not at all.  Are they incomplete?  Never.

And then it gets even more complicated.  What about step-families, and extended families, and married into families, families with no children, families with just pets?....well, you get my point.  Family is a complicated thing.

To get to a deeper understanding of the semantics involved, I looked up words like complete and family, and what struck me is that, particularly with the word family, there is no clear cut definition.  And, I think that's a true reflection of what family is.  Families are a support system (hopefully), designed to keep each other strong and social.  They come in many different sizes.  Sometimes, it's not even blood that relates them.  But that doesn't change that they are strong.  It doesn't change that they are bonded.  It doesn't change that they are complete.  What brings a family together are two simple things, two elements that makes all the other elements unimportant: love and support.  Love and support make a family; love and support complete a family.

I know this well; I know this deeply in my soul.  I'm not just spouting lovely ideas here.  I came from a "complete" family, but it turns out it wasn't complete, not even close.  My family has gone through many iterations since I was a child.  I have gained siblings and parents, and grown as a person from every relationship.  My family is larger than blood, and stronger, too.  It is special, because it is filled with that very love and support.  It has given my children seven grandparents, multiple aunts and uncles, and the love grows and grows as we do.  So, whether you have two boys, two girls, one of each, one total, a hoard, a couple of dogs or cats (etc.), no children at all, a blended family, an adopted family, etc., etc....let me celebrate the love and support that completes your unit, your family.  Let us rejoice in every kind of family working hard to keep each other afloat and make each other smile.  I'm full of love right now, I'm pregnant; it comes with the territory.


(Image in this post is "Family and Small Child With Baby Stroller" by Vlado, from FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Here We Go Again...! Preparing for the Second Time Around

I've been absent for a long time again; I'm a terrible blogger.  I'd like to say it's because I'm not the least bit narcissistic and I don't jump to tell everyone my every thought...but, most people who know me well wouldn't say that's entirely true (and they need not comment about it here either...!).  There are a million drafts started, but I have never feel like I have the time to get clarity of thought.  And then, well, there's always something else to do.  Truthfully, it's because I'm easily overwhelmed.  I'm amazed at all the other mommy-bloggers.  How do they do it??  Toddler, household chores, part time job....

...and well, there's this:

Yup, we've been at it again.  The arrival of baby girl (yes, I said girl!) is around the corner; our family is growing.  Pregnancy has made me gear up and get all excited to go...directly to the couch.  It's a whole different ballgame this time around.  Ok, I won't lie, I spent the first pregnancy on the couch, too; but this time, I can't actually get to the couch.  No, the couch is like a magic land that I cannot reach because, well, there's no laying down when you have a toddler.  And then those cherished moments that I can actually lay down??  Well, I don't want to do anything, let alone touch a computer.  So, there you have it, I'm an overwhelmed mommy who just wants to lay on the couch.  And, a terrible blogger.

I was contemplating the other day, though, that this pregnancy, and this baby, are a completely new and different experience.  One I am ready to start sharing (without a hint of narcissism...).  Because this time around I know something that I didn't know before.  Something I thought I knew last time, but really, I had no clue.  It all comes down to knowing one simple thing about children.  THERE IS NO PLANNING.  There's no point in even trying.  Instead of planning in those small moments I have to myself, I just lay down instead.

I get asked questions a lot.  What are you going to differently this time around?  Where is baby going to sleep?  When will your son stop nursing?  Where will your son sleep when the baby arrives?  My answer is always the same:  I don't know.  Because I don't.  I have no idea what the answers are to those questions, I won't even try to guess.  Why?  Because I'm not my son, and I'm not my daughter.  I have no idea how my son will react as he doesn't either.  And I certainly have no idea what my daughter will do because, in most senses of the word, I don't even know her at all yet.

Instead, most of our efforts have focused on my son; we are trying to get him ready for this big change that will be coming.  And if there's one thing this little guy needs, it's slow transition to change.  We talk about the baby all the time, he comes to all the doctor visits to hear her heartbeat, we practice holding his baby doll, and we read stories to the baby.  We tell her how lucky she is to have such a wonderful brother already.  He gives her big kisses goodnight and talks to her softly.  We listen to other babies cry and talk about how his sister will cry too because she won't have words, and he'll have to help teach them to her.  We talk about how she'll need a lot of "nummies" because she can't eat food like he can.  He may have no idea what he's in for, but we hope that we've made the process as gradual as he needs.  Still, it won't surprise me if, three weeks from when she arrives, he asks "when's she going back in?" 

As for me: if my son has emphasized anything to me, it's that he's the map that I must follow, and I know she will be too.  And follow her we will.  She will create herself, and we will watch in awe.  And I will have to make my own transitions; I will learn what it's like to love two little people so deeply.  I cannot imagine it.  But, ready or not, here we go!