Designing Consequences

When raising children, the necessity of providing for, loving, and keeping children safe is always coupled with the necessity of modeling and teaching character, self-control, and acceptable behavior. Discipline is what helps children construct themselves into conscientious citizens of the world. Positive and effective discipline is based on the concept of consequence. A consequence is the negative or positive outcome of a person’s actions. Consequences naturally drive human behavior because humans will always strive for positive outcomes. Just as adults do, children prefer outcomes that work for them.  By pointing out or creating consequences, we can persuade children to choose appropriate behaviors.

There are two types of consequences: natural and logical. A natural consequence is one that occurs naturally in life for all people. The natural consequence to not putting your coat on is that you will be cold outside. The natural consequence to dropping something is that it will break. The natural consequence to watering a plant is that it will grow and live. Children begin to examine the relationship between cause and effect from birth. For example, a baby dropping something on the floor may learn that when he lets go of a toy, it falls. Using a natural consequence to modify behavior can be achieved by pointing out the natural consequence to your child and what will prevent it. If he drops something, point out the action which would prevent the item being dropped without judgment and maintaining a calm voice; e.g. “you need to hold the glass with two hands or it will fall.” The consequence has already achieved the lesson, and all you need to do is help your child see the relationship between his action and the outcome. The most important (and most difficult) thing to remember of discipline through natural consequences is that, as a parent, you must allow the natural consequence to happen. For example, if you catch the glass before it hits the ground, your child will not really see the glass drop and will not understand that he needs to control his body to prevent things from breaking. The same is true if your child refuses to put his coat on. The natural consequence is that he will be cold outside. However, if you give him your jacket, there is no natural consequence. Letting your children learn cause and effect is an important part of teaching them self control and how to make good choices.

On the other hand, not all actions can be allowed to reach their natural consequence, some actions do not have a consequence that is immediately obvious, and some actions don’t even have a natural consequence. For example, if your child runs out in the street, the natural consequence is that he or she would get hit by a car. Obviously, this is a consequence to prevent. You may first try to explain to your child the rule of not running into the street and let them be aware of what the natural consequence would be. Some children are able to follow rules without learning from the experience. Not all children have this temperament, though. If your child breaks the rule, then you must create a logical consequence: “if you run out into the street then you must go back inside,” or “If you run into the street you must always hold my hand near the street and cannot be on your own.” Point out the reason for the consequence; your child is being unsafe and it is unacceptable to be unsafe. It is important to tie a consequence back to the behavior you are trying to achieve (safety, in this circumstance).

Logical consequences refer to consequences that are made by another person and do not occur naturally from the action. This does not mean punishment. Instead it creates a negative outcome related to the action. The use of logical consequences is aimed at creating discipline by influencing your child’s actions. The goal of discipline and parenting is to create confidence and teach our children life skills. Experience is an important part of this process, children need to make mistakes and learn from them. Logical consequences allow us to design outcomes that show children that some behaviors are unacceptable or inappropriate when the natural consequence is not obvious or cannot be allowed.

When designing logical consequences:

FOCUS ON THE BEHAVIOR YOU WANT, NOT THE BEHAVIOR YOU SAW. We are not punishing the current behavior but trying to create a behavior. Always have alternative behaviors in mind with which you are asking your child to replace the behavior you have deemed “unacceptable;” e.g. you want your child to walk not run, you want your child to use their words or get you instead of hit, or you want your child to use a quiet voice instead of scream.

THINK OPPORTUNITY, RESPONSIBILITY, CONSEQUENCE. If a child has an opportunity and is not responsible with it, then the consequence is to lose the opportunity. For example, if your child has the opportunity to play with his toys and refuses to put them away, then you may create a consequence related to the toys. Perhaps you decide that your child cannot play with their toys for the rest of the day, or that they cannot do anything else until they comply with the appropriate behavior. Keep in mind that you want to set it up so that children can earn the responsibility back, they can try again later or they can earn it back by showing responsibility with another task you assign them.

DESIGN CONSEQUENCES THAT YOU CAN FOLLOW THROUGH WITH. Do not make empty threats or fail to follow through with your stated consequence or your child will not feel the consequence. Not all consequences are easy to follow through on, so only choose ones that you know you can actually make happen. Children listen more quickly to adults they know will follow through with a consequence, meaning adults who ALWAYS follow through. If they know you mean what you say and you will do it, they will listen.

THINK ABOUT THE PROBLEM. Designing consequences is not so much about the consequence as it is about finding a solution. Children often make behavioral mistakes because they are unaware of the alternatives. We need to think about how to make them aware of these alternatives and that the alternative is a better choice for everyone. For example, if your child hits, it is likely that they do not have the language to deal with a problem that is presented. Children may hit because another child took something away, because they are angry, or because they simply wanted another child to move out of their space. Often times if we help children identify the problem with us and give them the language to use (“please move,” “this is my space,” “I didn’t like that you did that,” “give that back to me”), we help our children gain confidence and problem solving skills. Tell your child that from now on, in that situation, they need to come find you if their words don’t work. Let them know that the consequence for solving a problem with hitting is that they may be removed from the play area or they must play next to an adult (limit the freedom of their play) because no one is allowed to be unsafe.

INVOLVE YOUR CHILD. Having children help you design the consequence helps them with problem solving skills and gives them a greater understanding of their behaviors. Children are also much more likely to follow through with consequences they themselves design. When involving children, present the behavior that is unacceptable and ask them what they think the consequence should be.

For example: Your child is running in the house.

If you run in the house, what problems might happen? (child may respond: I will knock something over and it breaks or I will fall)

What do you think we can do so those problems don’t happen? (child may respond: walk in the house, run outside)

What do you think should happen if you choose not to walk in the house? (some options: I have to sit down until I am ready to stop running or I must play in the basement or my room. If they cannot think of one, give them a choice between a few consequences that you have thought up).Remember, your child does not always have to have a choice. Some behaviors are so inappropriate that the consequence needs to be more immediate, such as running into the street or hitting. However, if you are finding your child ignoring the rule you have made despite consequences, involving them may be the best way to get them to understand.

THINK AHEAD. If you know that you and your child are about to enter a situation that he or she might misbehave during, point out what behaviors you expect to see ahead of time. Children need reminders of what behavior is expected. Help them think about the rules before they even have a chance to break them. This is another chance to involve them, ask them to think of the rules and tell you what they are. Remember to be willing to follow through on the consequence you assign once they break the rules. For example, if you and your child go to the store and the consequence for breaking the rules is to leave the store, be willing to leave no matter what, even if you already have your cart full.

BE EMPATHETIC. Children do not need to feel bad during consequences. Expressing that you understand your child is sad and showing them that you understand the consequence is hard can help them make the connection between cause and effect without making them feel bad about themselves. This does not mean stop the consequence, however. If your child is sitting separately to calm themselves down, give him a glass of water. If your child has lost the opportunity to play with his toys for the rest of the day, help him find something else to do. We want children to understand that unacceptable behaviors have hard consequences, but we have faith in them that they can learn to make better choices.

THIS IS NOT PUNISHMENT. Punishment is about power and authority, consequence is about social order and making appropriate choices for society. Punishment is not related to the situation, while logical consequences outline cause and effect related to the behavior. Punishment is judgmental, logical consequences do not imply bad or good but simply what is acceptable and what is not. Punishment focuses on the past behavior, logical consequences focus on the future desired behavior. Punishment is threatening and angry, logical consequences are about parents teaching their children appropriate behavior. Punishment is about obedience, logical consequences are about choices. Anger, warnings, threats, and reminders can turn a consequence into punishment. Remind children of acceptable behaviors, design consequences if they choose unacceptable behaviors.

KEEP YOUR OWN FRUSTRATION LEVEL DOWN. If you cannot think of a consequence, slow down or stop any reacting. If you can’t come up with anything, say nothing. Sometimes merely removing your child from the situation or taking their hand in immediate situations can give you enough time to think it through, often times removal is a consequence. If you stop the behavior physically (but gently) this time, you can take your time thinking of a consequence for next time, or you can work with your child to design one. This is particularly helpful if your child is throwing a tantrum, sometimes just getting up and going and giving both of you time to calm down will make the situation clearer. Don’t feel bad about yourself as a parent, these skills are learned and do not come naturally. Take your time with it.