Montessori and Attachment Parenting: Can They Co-Exist

As part of my consulting job for a Montessori school in the area, I run teacher training workshops in which we analyze school issues by looking at Dr. Montessori's written works and philosophically analyzing the topics.  As I did an Internet search relating Dr. Montessori and sleep, I came across an interesting blog post on MariaMontessori.com about Montessori philosophy and Attachment Parenting philosophy.  The blogger questioned if the two philosophies can co-exist.  Was Dr. Montessori's quest for a child's independence in conflict with Attachment Parenting's promotion of the parent-child bond?   As I contemplated her questions, I found myself thinking, no, I don't believe this conflict exists.  As a Montessori teacher and mother who very much follows much of AP's principles, I find that the two coexist quite nicely.

It's easy to see why someone would see a conflict arising, however.  Montessorians are tirelessly spouting the need for a child's independence.  Much of what Dr. Montessori wrote is about this very principle.  But, as often happens when people begin to interpret the good doctor, that independence lies within the context of a much greater philosophy and broader belief system about children.  I believe that if you were to boil down this very complex philosophy into a phrase, it would not be "independence."  It would be "follow the child."

Dr. Montessori's quest for the child's independence was not based on a belief that children should be made to do everything by themselves.  Instead, it was a very unique statement in a century when children were thought to be blank slates, having no knowledge or ability, and only by pouring knowledge into them might they learn anything.  The method of education at the time was to sit them at desks and have them learn everything from a teacher's lectures.  Sound familiar?  The upper class was often pampering their children by doing everything for them.  Children's behaviors were met with punishment and children were easily labeled good or bad. Again, sound familiar?

What she said was revolutionary, although it was built on the works of social and educational scientists before her (Itard, Piaget, Rousseau, etc.).  She challenged the traditional presumptions of children and said, instead, that children are innately born to learn.  Instead of trying to control them or force them through this process using the adult's desires, adults should guide them through their own process, following their own innate desires.  She found that what people saw as negative behaviors (disobedience) and positive behaviors (obedience) were not the true nature of the child.  Instead, the child simply wants to learn, explore, and build himself into someone.  She wrote "education is a natural process carried out by the child and is not acquired by listening to words but by experiences in the environment.”  It is that natural process and innate drive that is the gift of being a human and not just an animal.  It is when adults try to direct it that they muck it up.

Enter independence.  What Dr. Montessori said about independence is more of a statement about their capabilities.  She said "never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed."  Looking at her words, you can see the focus is on the child; how the child feels about his abilities.  Dr. Montessori was telling us to follow the child's lead.  If he wants to learn how to do something or shows an interest in something, let us help him get there.  Let us help him learn to do things so that he might find the joy in his success and his abilities.  Let us assist him when he cannot, all the while demonstrating how to do it, and back off when he can.  Let us let him TRY.

Going back to the bloggers question, I found that many of her questions arose because of the book Montessori From The Start.  This is not a book written by Dr. Montessori but instead by Paula Polk Lillard and Lynn Lillard Jessen.  This book is their interpretation of Montessori for the infant.  The reality is, Dr. Montessori did not write books about the infancy period and only makes occasional references to this age.  This age group was not in her schools because children at this age need to be with their mothers.  So, this book is a single interpretation for Montessori and not necessarily her own guidelines.   In my opinion, Lillard and Jessen do a great job talking about the floor bed and the way to set up a nursery, much of which I used when setting up a nursery and my son's floor bed. On the other hand, much of what else they wrote, I find is of their own opinion, and not necessarily the Montessori point of view.  It is these views which would confuse people trying to relate Montessori and Attachment Parenting.

For example, Lillard and Jessen suggest that children should sleep on their own in order to encourage independence, which is indeed in opposition with Attachment Parenting.  They say that we should begin helping children sleep through the night after two to three months.  Lillard and Jessen advocate controlling night time feedings, scheduling sleep, and bedtimes.  Again, direct contrast to AP.   Lillard and Jessen also come into contrast with Attachment Parenting is their discussion of and recommendations regarding weaning.   Lillard and Jessen suggest that a child should be fully weaned by nine months, transitioning to spoon feeding.   Their reasoning appears to be independence created by having the child be less dependent upon the mother.

AP would very much disagree with Lillard and Jessen, specifically with regard to sleep and weaning.  So would I, and I very much consider myself a Montessorian.  I know many Montessorians who put Lillard and Jessen's book down for the very same reasons.  And personally, I believe Dr. Montessori would as well.

The thing is, since Dr. Montessori never wrote in-depthly about just infants, and especially did not outline her beliefs about how infants should be raised, it is very hard to know exactly what she might have said when asked questions about sleep or weaning.  All we have is the words that Dr. Montessori did write and her general philosophy which we must interpret.  For, example, I believe Dr. Montessori was not against use of a crib for an infant, because she refers to it as beautiful in her chapter about sleep in The Secret of Childhood.  Her designation of sleep as an obstacle to growth was targeted at when children were forced to sleep and kept from moving about freely.  Her suggestion of the floor bed was for when the child was able to move on his own. What she was saying is that children should be able to choose to sleep or to not sleep; that is where independence comes into the scenario.

For this reason, I think that she would very much disagree with the belief that children at any age should be sleep trained or expected to be sleeping through the night by a certain age.  I think instead her argument would be to follow the child.  What the child needs is what we should be giving, which falls very much in line with Attachment Parenting.  Dr. Montessori talked about letting children do what they are capable of,  but I don't believe that she meant for us to decide what it is they are capable of.  We cannot decide when the child sleeps or when the child weans, but rather follow the child's cues in assisting the child with both.  For example, some children sleep fine on their own or for long periods, and these children should be allowed to do so.  But others, need additional help falling asleep or staying asleep, and these children should be helped accordingly.  I think the Montessori philosophy instead would encourage that we observe our children as they become more successful at doing these things on our own and step back our assistance as they gain skills.  This is congruent with AP bed-sharers who slowly help their child move out of the family bed by stepping them out slowly as the child becomes more able to sleep on his own.

When it comes to weaning, Lillard and Jessen's recommendations go against organizations like the American Pediatric Association (who recommends weaning after at least 12 months) and the World Health Organization (who recommends weaning after two years).  Being a medical doctor, I believe that Dr. Montessori would have been much more inclined to follow the medical guidelines and very much believe in the well-established health benefits that have been associated with long-term breastfeeding.  Again, this would be in line with Attachment Parenting.  When it comes to weaning, I would not be surprised if she fell more in line with Baby Led Weaning.  This philosophy not only follow's the child, but promotes independence, unlike Lillard and Jessen's suggestions for spoon feeding.

Lastly, Dr. Montessori believed that love was an essential part of helping the child develop.  Her belief in following the child asked that we use their cues as a road map for helping them find independence.  She believed that the child from birth to age three has an unconscious absorbent mind in which they instinctively lay the foundational skills they will need to become independent from the adult (talking, walking, learning to fall asleep).  But, not until they reach the conscious absorbent mind, age three to six, will they openly and consciously begin to develop this.  It is the child's natural ability to find independence, and Dr. Montessori's goal for adults was to not get in the way of this, but also not to force it either.  Instead, we should guide, love, and support their natural development of themselves.

I think that the ideas Montessori put forth, especially to love and follow the child, fall very much in line with Attachment Parenting.  One can easily raise a Montessori child while following Attachment Parenting principles.  Indeed, the two can coexist.

Changing My Blog Name and URL

For anyone who may be following my blog, I am changing the blog title and URL this Sunday, January 29, 2012. The blog title will become More Than Just Montessori. The URL will be http://morethanjustmontessori.blogspot.com. Here's hoping everyone can find me and please keep reading!

Temper Tantrum Solutions: The Distraction

Raising a toddler inevitably brings a parent head to head with one of the most challenging of childhood behaviors: the temper tantrum. It's a frustrating experience for parent and child alike, and often ends in a bitter battle with both feeling powerless and confused. The temper tantrum can easily feel like a war you never intended on waging.

To really understand how to handle these behaviors, it's first important to understand what they occur. The problem for a lot of parents is that they approach the temper tantrum conventionally, based on a set of beliefs about the child that end up setting parent against child. But, if you change your belief system and look at the child from a developmental perspective, you may find out that a temper tantrum is a much different kind of behavior than you thought, and, so, much easier to deal with.

To begin this conversation, I want to use an example from my experience with my friend and her 2 1/2 year old. Going on a walk, her daughter wanted to be carried. Having a younger child that she had to pull in a wagon and a dog on a leash, this was an impossibility. She had started the walk by telling her daughter that she would not be able to carry her. When her daughter asked to be carried, she reminded her of this. She offered that she could sit in the wagon. Inevitably, her daughter burst into tears and screams, walking along side her mother continuing to scream and cry. It unsettled her mother who was now caught between the anxious desire to stop the crying and the knowledge that it would not be helpful to give in and carry her daughter. The stage is set for battle.

Let's first look at conventional thoughts about this behavior. Many people would say that this child wants what she wants and is going to scream bloody murder and do whatever she can to get it. They might say she's trying to manipulate her mother, that she's not listening, that she's being disobedient, or that she's misbehaving. A parent looking at the child from this perspective can only feel one thing: anger. The parent feels that the child is trying to get control and instinctively knows that giving that control would not be good. The options in this scenario become complete surrender or declaration of war. Neither of which is good for parent or child.

When parents enter the situation this way, they often try to use bribery, punishment, or give in. Bribery can work, but only if you can be immediate with it. A two year old cannot think far into the future. So, when my friend offered a Popsicle when they got home if her daughter stopped crying, it failed. And that's simply because she didn't have the Popsicle on her, not because it wasn't a good idea. When bribery doesn't work, the next instinctive step in this approach is punishment. But, when my friend suggested to her daughter that they couldn't take any more walks if she was going to behave like this, the crying failed to stop. And the reason for this is again, children can't see that far into the future. Her daughter only cares about and can only think in the moment. While my friend quickly dropped punishment as a solution at this point, many parents might go on and on, raging forward in battle. Time outs and spanking can become the final straw when the screaming breaks the camel's back. That, or they give in because they just can't wage war any longer.  In the end, it all leads to more frustration.

So, let's take another approach with this child. Let's throw out words like manipulation, control, or disobedient, and look at the child's developmental abilities. What are her brain and body actually capable of; what can she control and what can she think? From this perspective, she is not capable of understanding why she can't be carried. She does not understand the complexities involved. She only knows that she wants to be with mom and she cannot understand why her mother won't let her. She does not yet have the complex language abilities to explain this, or ask questions, or rationalize further information. All of these abilities would be necessary to calm herself down. So now she is left reverting to crying because she still has that communication instinct from before she developed any language. She is also left upset and frustrated because she cannot figure out any other solution. Her "misbehavior" has now become a cry for help.

Looking at it this way, a parent's reaction is often much more calm, allowing them to approach the situation in a far less combative manner. When the behavior, more realistically, becomes about needing help rather than wanting control, the parent is provided with far more options to change the behavior.  So, looking at this behavior as a request for help and an expression of emotional frustration and confusion, it becomes an opportunity to help our children learn how to redirect themselves. It helps a parent look at the situation and say "what does my child want or need right now and how can we find a way to meet both of our needs?"

Let's look at my friend and her daughter again. What this little girl was expressing was the desire to be held. There are two reasons likely for this: she either is too tired to walk or she wants to spend time with her mother. Since she turned down the offer to sit in the wagon, we can conclude her desire is to be with her mother and her interpretation of that desire is to want to be held. Unfortunately, mom cannot meet the need in that manner. So what can be done?

The answer is actually pretty simple, although, in all honesty, it can be exhausting. However, I promise it's far less exhausting than listening to a kid scream or fighting with her. The answer is redirection, otherwise known as distraction.

After a little while of screaming and some failed attempts at the conventional solutions mentioned earlier, we began to look for ways to engage her daughter. When looking at it from another approach and seeing that her daughter wants her mom, then the solution to distract her from wanting to be held by mom became doing other things with mom.

We were headed towards a creek, so we began to look for things we could throw into it. Then at the creek, mom and daughter tossed things in and saw what happened.  Further down the path we found puddles to jump. Then we came up with some games. I announced that whoever touched the nearby tree first would "win" and soon mom and daughter were off running. Her daughter loved the game so much that every few feet they raced to the next tree, bush, fire hydrant, street corner, etc. No more tears the entire walk back, and mom didn't have to give in to carrying her daughter.

This solution requires creativity and effort, and it can be tiring when you are constantly having to think of something new because children at the tantrum age have short attention spans or become so involved and don't want to move on (and in the case of a walk, sometimes you have to keep moving). But, when the solution leads to giggles and enjoyment of each other's company rather than a major battle, you will find that not only does your child just need some extra help when they melt down, but that instead of being the bad guy, you can be the good guy.

Developing the Will

We've all heard or said it before: oh that child is so willful! In fact, the term will is often used with children. And, by used, I really mean misused.

So, let us define "will:" the capability of conscious choice and decision and intention. Those are some very big words to describe the actions of such little people. Conscious implies a level of knowledge, awareness, and perception. Intent refers to an anticipated outcome. All of these abstract ideas are only beginning to take form in the brain of a young child. Choice, awareness, and perception, are things learned with time and experience. A child is not born with any of these abilities.

Often times, we confuse will with interest and exploration in young children. Children develop interest before they develop much else. They are drawn to explore these interests because that's how they learn, and children are pre-programmed to learn. Every action they engage in is solely aimed at exploration for the sake of information.

As children grow, they begin to develop a will through developing conscious choice. However, this process will take decades. This process becomes the foundation for self-control, self-discipline, and intended action. It is achieved through the child's actions of being drawn towards his interests, exploring the outcomes of his experience, and then slowly learning to make choices out of these experiences. The reality is that what we deem as willful action is often exactly the opposite; it is action that will inevitably develop the will and it is action resulting from not yet having a will.

The development of the will is essential to the understanding of how we intervene in our child's lives and how we look at discipline. The problem for many parents lies in the fact that they misjudge their child's intentions. They add abstract abilities to the child's thinking that do not and cannot yet exist. I think much of this stems from the facts that adults think children are willful and that the will must be broken to achieve obedience. Dr. Montessori wrote "“The power to obey is the last phase in the development of the will, which in its turn has made obedience possible."

The reality is, the will must be developed, not broken. You cannot break what does not yet exist. Obedience and proper decision making are part of a developmental process that takes time and cannot be forced or expected. Only when you help a child to develop a will, then you will help them learn to make choices. Then, and only then, can you teach them which choices are acceptable.

So how do we encourage and guide the development and direction of the will? We do this by encouraging choice. Instead of using disciplinary methods that force your child to conform to a single line of action (yours), come up with choices (when possible) you can live with and your child can begin to exercise his decision making abilities.

Be understanding with your child; the decisions he makes are based on impulsivity and curiosity, not defiance. Even a child's temper tantrums are derived from confusion and misunderstanding, not some manipulative or calculated ploy. This doesn't mean give in, but simply means that patience and understanding are essential to dealing with these kinds of behaviors.

The biggest problem with traditional punishment is that it lacks compassion. It assumes the child is "bad" for doing something, and so it makes the child feel that way. Instead, set your child up for success or design consequences that are logical or natural to the problem, therein no longer making discipline about doing what you say but about making acceptable choices. For example, if a child breaks something or makes a mess, have him assist in cleaning it up (or clean it himself if old enough). The very breaking and cleaning is enough of a consequence for the action. If your child is demanding something by crying, give him a way to calm himself down and ask again (invite him to sit down somewhere and stop crying and tell him you will let him have it or something he can have when he stops crying). Giving children small ways to gather control of themselves or resolve a problem aids in the development of the will.

Extremely young children (like my ten month old) have no developed will at all, only interest and impulsivity. To assume this young mind is trying to manipulate you is completely insensitive considering that mind lacks any form of control. Young children simply explore and all we can do is assist them in the process, showing them WHAT they can explore.

So, when you think about how head strong your little one seems, please understand that he is only at the beginning of a process that will allow him to control himself or his actions. Impulsivity, hyperactivity, and frustration are signs of a child who has NOT developed a will, and not the other way around. The will is not a negative thing. It is the very thing that makes us human; it is the ability to make choices and understand the outcomes.