I Was Mean Today

It's so hard to be a patient mom sometimes.  It's so hard to be positive and understanding and thinking about everyone but yourself when all you feel like doing is just curling up in a corner.  There are moments when all your patience is wasted and you're just grasping at straws.  And in those moments, sometimes you just have to face the cold, hard, guilt-ridden facts.

I was mean today.

I snapped when I should have taken a deep breath.  I pushed him away when I should have held him close.  I was frustrated when I should have been understanding.  I was angry when I should have been calm.  I stormed out of the room when I should have demonstrated patience.  I told him "I can't handle this" instead of "I love you."  Instead of being kind and loving, I was rough and insensitive.

I wasn't my best today.

It wasn't like that all day.  In the moments between my frustration, I was the kind and loving mother he's used to.  But then I'd turn on him again and he had no idea why.  There were a myriad of reasons. He'd been stick for days and hard to deal with, he was being mean himself, he didn't nap, he made me chase him in the store, I'm pregnant and having a particularly hormonal week, and his sense of order is so strong I can't even wear a sweater when I'm cold; the reasons go on and on.  They don't excuse anything, they don't make my toddler feel any better or make him understand more.  Maybe when he's older he'll know when his mother is having a rough day, but not yet.  No, today he laughed at me, or gave me a sad face of fear: who are you today, mommy?  He couldn't say that, but I know he was thinking it.  And sadly, I had no answer, because today I just wasn't myself.

The only thing I could do at the end of it all was apologize.  I came to him and held him in my arms. He asked to nurse and I obliged.

"Mommy was mean today," I said.

"Was mommy mean?"  The first time he responded with a yes, the second he responded with a no.  As always, he was in the moment.  So I did the best I could with the moment I had.  I told him that I thought I had been mean and that I was sorry, and that no matter what he does or how I feel, I love him always.

"Does mommy love you?"

"Yes."  Oh, thank goodness, he still knows that.  We nursed and snuggled and waited for his father to come home and hug us both into happiness.  Until then, we just had to both accept that neither of us felt wonderful and that's just the way it was.  I am so thankful for extended breastfeeding in those moments, because I know I can always bring him home.  But even if I wasn't, I know a snuggle would have helped too.

I was mean today.  But, I apologized.  And he forgave me.  Some days, that's just the best we can do.