In retrospect, I laugh at the idea that I thought I could ever be prepared. Don’t get me wrong; the sentiment that I was ready to give of myself turned out to be crucial this past month. However, it really was just the tip of a quite immense iceberg. Being a mother for four weeks now, I have learned the true meaning of selflessness. I have yet to realize if it is the nature of just my son, or all newborns, but this has taken the concept of a twenty-four hour job to a whole new level.
My son is a very needy infant. When I say this, some people say that all infants are this needy and others say that their children were much easier. I don’t know if the latter group fall into some motherhood category of forgetting the first three months or if the former group refuse to believe that others had it so easy. Either way, this post is for any parent who falls into that former category: the high-needs infant.
A phrase used by Dr. Sears, a high-needs infant is categorized by a number of characteristics. I’m sure many of these characteristics also fit the “colicky” child. You can easily go to Dr. Sears’ website and learn more about his definition of a high-needs infant. But, let’s talk about mine.
My son will not and shall not be put down when he is sleeping. Considering that infants sleep 18-20 hours a day, you can imagine the implications. At the moment, he does have about fifteen minutes of awake time in the morning where he will sit calmly in his little chair and I can shower (when and for how long can be unpredictable). There are other times throughout the day where he is content to lay somewhere and look around. Maybe it lasts ten minutes, maybe it lasts five. Recently, he spent 15 minutes staring at the mirror and mobile in his room. Outside of that, he’s fussing (I’ve officially nicknamed him Fuss Face). He wants to be held. But more than that, he wants to be in motion. Considering how big he is getting, my back is really starting to hurt. He also likes to eat, a lot. And, that’s fine by me because he is growing very big! The challenge arises when he can’t decide if he wants to be awake, to eat, or to sleep.
Now, that being said, there is nothing about this that makes my son abnormal. Truth is, from stories I have heard, it could be harder. In reality, he was in the womb for the past nine months, and this big, quiet, and still world does not make any sense to him. What makes sense to him is to be constantly rocked, curled up in his nice noisy womb. So, that’s my job; transitioning him from womb to world in the most comfortable and secure way possible. My goal is that by appropriately supporting and responding to his lack of independence right now, I will create a child secure enough to become an independent toddler (and, ultimately, adult) later.
And so, we have come to the true reality of “follow the child.” In a world of sleep trainers and opinionated parents, sometimes following the needs of your child looks like “spoiling.” Others can’t imagine how anyone could possibly spend 24 hours only attending to their child, and the “cry it out” crowd is screaming for you to just put that baby down and reclaim your life. And then there is the never-ending barrage of “what I did.” Now, I don’t discard the What-I-Dids. Often their methods have been helpful in thinking up ways to work with my son. I just have to remember that some of it won’t work and adapt to what it is my son needs.
Here’s what I have learned following my child:
Never let anyone tell you that responding to your newborn’s needs immediately and every time is bad, no matter what they are. Developmentally, newborns are not capable of connecting that their cries make you do certain things. They cannot manipulate you in those first three months. Instead, your immediate and comforting response to your child will help him or her trust you. This is necessary to create independent and confident children.
Breastfeed whenever. When your infant is upset, offer the breast. Only if refused should you try something else. You don’t need a schedule if they are eating at least 8 times a day. The better fed they are, the better they grow! It’s your infant that knows when he’s hungry, not you! (Bottle fed babies should follow their pediatrician’s advice as the bottle does not work the way the breast does).
Consider your diet. Not all children are the same, but I’ve noticed that my fussy one has a lot of trouble with gas. He seems to be fussy even in his sleep. I decided to take out dairy, chocolate, peanut, and soy for a couple weeks (it takes two weeks for dairy to leave your system). We’ll see if the experiment works soon. It can’t hurt. Dairy, especially, is hard for new systems to digest.
Find the sleeping arrangements that work best for your family and not based on what others say. When my husband and I bought things during the pregnancy, we decided on a bassinet for the bedroom. I wasn’t ready to walk into my son’s nursery every time he woke in the night, and so I thought this would be the best of both worlds: he’d have his own bed and he’d be close to me. But, like I said before, my son does not like to be away from me. And, it turns out, I need to be close to him. Not being able to hear him breathe all the way in his bassinet drove me crazy. Also, having to get out of bed every time I breastfed to put him down and then get up again to calm him was exhausting. In the end, I wanted to go the co-sleeping route. This was a hard choice on my husband, since he has real fears of our child sleeping with us until he is a toddler (as do I). I ended up purchasing a Snuggle Nest, which is like a small bed that fits within our bed. It still feels to him like his own bed (so hopefully we can make the transfer more easily when the time comes), but he’s close enough to me that life is much easier. I tried co-sleeping with him in the actual bed, but I never ended up getting any sleep. In the end, I had to find the sleeping arrangement that worked best for all of us, regardless of anyone’s opinion. Experimenting with different sleeping arrangements can help you figure this out.
Be willing to adapt your plan. We all go into parenting with some vision of how it’s going to be. Most of us have never spent twenty-four hours a day with a newborn and don’t have a realistic picture. Anyone that has been around a newborn for extended time can formulate ideas about what they are going to do, but in reality, they haven’t met their child and have no idea what that child’s needs are or what their real needs will be as parents. The truth is, you can go in with a plan and ideas on what you do or do not want to do. But as you get to know your child, you have to be willing to adapt to what his needs are, even if that means breaking your plan. You have to be flexible and humble. You may have said you would never do something and find out, hey, you need to. I have run into this situation a thousand times…with pacifiers, car seat travel systems, and co-sleeping. The question you have to ask yourself is: is my decision in my best interests or my child’s? If the answer is the latter, you can’t go wrong.
Be willing to lay low for a while. You don’t have to be out and about all the time. Your child still needs a womb like atmosphere and camping out in the house is not the worst thing in the world. If your child is like mine and needs to be held, then hold him. My son has yet to like a single babywearing device yet. For now, a daily walk in the stroller and laying in his co-sleeper while swaddled at nigh are the only times he’s out of someone’s arms. So I watch a movie, read a book, or write (one-handed that is!).
Breathe. Babies can sense frustration. The calmer you are, the calmer they will be. Take a deep breath and find a peaceful place. I know it’s hard when they are screaming; but, just remember that they are only trying to communicate and it’s okay if you don’t always have the answer right away.
Read The Happiest Baby On the Block. Better yet, buy the DVD. Dr. Harvey Karp talks about how to recreate the womb experience for your child. Once you learn his techniques and what works for your child…You’ll thank me!!
And finally, when in doubt…work out those burps!!
